Friday, May 1, 2009

Not okay.

People are always asking me how I am, and I always seem to reply with okay. I honestly was okay for awhile. But today I'm not okay. Tomorrow I probably will still not be okay. Maybe not for a long while. Not because God isn't good. Not because he hasn't blessed my life. Not because I don't have faith in Him. But because physically I seem to be going down hill, and mentally I'm a mess. It's not easy for anyone to be sick, but I sometimes wonder: is it from God or Satan? A child being born with a heart defect, or any other problem, is it a blessing from God or something he is allowing Satan to do? Me having these continueing problems from the quack dr, was it Gods will to make me a better person or satan being cruel? There is talk of putting a broviac line in instead of this picc line. How do feel about that? Like everytime I stand up from one of these problems I get kicked back down twice as hard. Some days I feel like just saying enough, why bother getting back on my feet, it's not worth it. I might not get to do anything this summer because of this line, I want to go to camp, to be normal, to meet my older sister, aunts and uncle for the first time. I want my last summer before being an adult to be wonderful. It can't be if I'm stuck in bed the whole time! I need everyone to understand what I'm going through, and they can't. I need my life to hold still for one seconds so I can breathe. I need people to stop leaving when I need them most. Where or who do you turn to when everyone that matters seems to have bailed? I'm at a total loss, I use to be the one to give advice now I need it. I just want me back. Please help.

1 comment:

chalice said...

sweet girl, i am praying for you and love your honesty and willingness to admit to confusion and frusteration. hang in there. Jesus IS on your side. i AM on your side. love, chalice h. cambridge, MD