Tuesday, May 12, 2009


I try so hard to understand it all. But I can't. I try to feel good. But I don't. And for the last year I've done so well to bury every emotion that came across me. But I'm done. I hate feeling helpless. I want to make it all better, to take the hurt away for everyone. But again I can't. I feel so horrible for all the people hurting right now. I may not know exactly what they feel, but I know how it feels to hurt. I don't cry. I can cry and would cry all the time if I let myself. But I have learned to just keep it together and not cry. But today I couldn't do it anymore. I've cried more today then I have in who knows how long. My mom and I got in a fight today, it really hurt me. She pretty much said it was my fault life is s messed up. What does one say to that, nothing, I said absolutely nothing and walked out of the room locked myself in the bathroom and sobbed for a good hour. The day just went down hill from there. I just want my life back. My job, my friends, my sanity. Its very Selfish of me but so true and I want it NOW. I'm tired of waiting of never feeling good. Of being stared at when I go anywhere. And it hurts to know that it's all because some Quack didn't have anything better to do with his time then ruin my life. WHY ME?? I should be going off to college this fall, but instead I'm staying home so that I'm close enough to my doctors and PCMC. There went MY dreams. MY plans. I know it doesn't matter what I want or plan God knows whats going to happen. But havng your whole world crushed is not a very nice feeling.I'm just exausted. I can't handle much more of this craziness. Oh and I got out of the hospital late lastnight. They have no idea whats going on or how to help me. *Gabby


lovey said...

I know exactly what you are feeling. It doesn't help that everything around us is so negative lately. When did people stop caring about others? These blogs are great, because they are mostly wonderful people...but the "real world" is not so kind. I've had so many dreams crushed by my medical status or bills in the last few years. Today, I just started crying (it must be in the air), because I look around me and see so many other people able to have a full life, and also not be in poverty. Why because of medical issues and bills, are we supposed to not be able to follow or dreams? Anyways, I do understand your situation. April's mom said she'd like to be your big sister... I'm not sure if I would need to be your other mother or a grandmother--I'm 46! I would like to be either, even if it is on the web.

P.S. My doctors don't know what to do with me either..it's a scary feeling. And while a doctor is not responsible, I have had traumas that severely affected my life that were caused by someone's actions. It's hard on your heart to know that someone has harmed you.

Get better soon, sweetie. Take care, Laurie

Katelyn said...

Honey, I've glanced through a bit of your blog and you are SO strong! What you've been through and you're so young. My grandfather had the same procedure in 2007 and it almost killed him as well. He spent three months in the hospital, most of it sedated, it's a miracle he ever walked out. Anyways...I'm sorry you feel this way. I hope your days get better, and your health. I did a lot of hiding of my emotions when I was your age. It wasn't good, but I can't say what the outcome would have been if I'd not done that. Please take care and I am praying for YOU.

Just'N Angel said...

Hi! I'm glad to find your blog. I just can't imagine how bad it must feel to be young and want to do things and to feel so bad. You are very strong. I can tell from reading back through your blog. For some reason, this has just been a yucky week. Maybe it's because of Kayleigh dying or hearing about all the hurt in the world and knowing you can't do anything but pray...I don't know. All I do know is that God isn't surprised and He can handle the hurt and the anger and the frustration. He loves you just like you are and just where you are. I will be praying for you and hope that the rest of the week will get a little better. Thanks for sharing your heart so we can pray.