Honestly Honest

I'm going to be completely honest tonight, not that I usually lie. I just usually with hold certain things because I don't what to be seen as crazy. But I've decided that if you see me as crazy and stop reading my blog that'll be okay because it will be honestly me.

I like the taste of dirt, I don't just like it, I crave it. Odd I know but completely me.
I'm afraid of the dark. But if I leave my light on it always ends up being shut off while I'm sleeping and waking up to a dark room when I went to sleep with the light on is even more scary then just shutting it off myself. Very childish but completely me.
I'm depressed, I'm selfish, I'm starting to go crazy. I hurt all the time. It takes more energy for me to pull myself out of bed then you probably use all day.
I don't get dressed most days, why bother anymore.
Nothing has any joy for me anymore, I've stopped caring because the pain is too bad but that takes away the good things also.
I'm not afraid of death, in fact in some points I welcome it. It hurts to live. Having the want to die is the most painful thing ever, keeping myself from doing it is even harder. Waking up knowing that life is going to be the same as it was the day before, that I'm still me, that this last year of complete hell wasn't just a dream. Its pure misery. But if I had the chance to trade places with someone, I wouldn't because that would mean they would have to go through everything I do. And no one deserves to go through this much pain. No one should have to feel the want to die.
I don't want pity I'm tired of pity.
Natasha Bedingfield has a song called "Happy" That some of the lyrics are exactly how I feel "Can't figure how I’m gonna fix tomorrow away If today’s still a mess Can u tell me what’s the point man, It all seems meaningless I wish that I could step away and breathe This world’s trying to swallow me Clear away the clouds inside my head Someone just tell me That it’s OK now What are you worried about"
I'm worried about losing everything, I already don't have as good of relationships with everyone around me.
I lost my job.
My boyfriend.
My happiness.
What else do I have to lose before this can end?
My sanity?
Because I'm pretty close.
I feel like I could snap at anytime.
And the people I want to talk to I either feel like I'm burdening them or they just flat don't care.
I like to fix problems. But I can't fix this. I don't have the energy even if I was able to.


It's not about forgetting to remember for me, it's remembering to forget.

I wish that I could just forget the last year of my life.
That I could eat a cherry and not have a vivid flashback.
That I wasn't afraid of everything every day of my life.

I have a book that I color my feelings in, I only use a black crayon. Thats the only color Inside of me right now.

Well there you have it. Into the head of Gabby. Probably more then you ever wanted to know about me. Sorry. *Gabby

out

Well my Picc Line is finally out! Exciting! They took it out yesterday which was awesome. It's really weird to not have it though. It's gonna take some getting use to!

I've spent most of the day today in bed in pain. It started about 6 last night and has been awful since. hardly slept at all. It might be cysts again bursting. If it is there isn't much we can do for it except wait for it to resolve itself. Nothing has helped with the pain, I'm getting ready to curl up on the couch with an ice pack and see what that does. :(

I've decided not to start college this fall. Its been stressing me out the last couple weeks and I did so talking and now I not going to. I really don''t want to so Its okay with me. I would love to be going to Heartland this fall but that's not gonna happen so I need to move on I guess. I take some classes next semester. I just need a break right now.

So while getting my Picc out was a good thing I'm still not sure how long its gonna last! I've been having acid reflux. Which I shouldn't be able to I've had 3 surgeries to stop it and am on max doses of antacids. So the Dr's want to do some test which require me to stay overnight in the hospital. And since my laptop is broken I probably won't be able to blog during that time. Maybe I'll get a guest blogger or something.

I'll be going up to a camp on Sunday and spending the whole week up there helping in the kitchen. So I'll try to post again before I leave but If I don't get the chance that's where I am!
*Gabby

"SCREAM"

I'm not in a good mood, I'm not trying to be in a good mood. I finally got outta bed at 1 and only because I had to go to PT. I'm considering going back to bed. I'm annoyed with me I'm annoyed with life and I'm annoyed with stupid people. Pretty much I'm annoyed with everything. Today I can't just put a smile on and pretend to be fine. Because I'm not fine. I've gotten so good at pretending to be fine hoping that one day I would be that I think I just made me even less fine. Does that make sense?
I feel like screaming. Really screaming, as loud as I can. But I know it won't help because nothing helps. I'm hurting and nothing I try to do fixes it. I wish there was an easy answer for why I have to go through this. There's not though. I probably will never know why. And I wish I could say I'm alright with it. I want to be okay, I want to really smile, to have fun. But I'm not and I don't. When will I? When will this constant pain go away? When will I be Gabby again?

Troy and I are no longer "together". And right now I'm okay with it. It was on good terms that we ended but we won't still be friends... That never works. *Gabby

Not perfect or trying

First off yes I may be a little of a Hypochondriac MR.Anonymous and if you don't like what I write about then maybe you shouldn't read? PTSD is a real problem and I really have it. Don't believe me fine. I have enough on my plate why on earth would a think I have something else if not told by a DR? But thank you for your comment and reading my blog, next time maybe don't accuse me of something that you know nothing about okay? Or did you just want to make it on my blog? I know its fabulous right? Well here you are mentioned on the blog. YAY for you. PTSD is a real illness. You can get PTSD after living through or seeing a dangerous event, PTSD makes you feel stressed and afraid after the danger is over. It affects your life and the people around you.


Well I feel better now, anyone else feel like attacking me? I'd be happy to mention you on the blog too. Though there is another way you could just be nice to me like this sweet lady that I'm about to answer questions from and you'd be mention without me being upset. Imagine that!!!

Nicole- The Traumatic experience I went though was having a DR. almost kill me and then spending the last year trying to get my life back on track. That's why I have such a hard time going to our hospital. Too many memories.

I went to an amusement park yesterday. It was pretty fun. I use to love going. Now I enjoy myself, it just isn't as fun as it once was. The rides don't scare me. I love the rush and screaming at the top of my lungs. But I have a harder time riding them now, my mind says yes but my body says no. My mind won and my body is paying for it. I'm covered in bruises. I bruise easily and am on blood thinners so we didn't mix well with being jerked around.

Its my moms birthday! So I'm making dinner. BBQ Chicken breast with raspberry chipotle sauce. Mmhmmhmmh With salad and home made blue cheese. I love to cook! I just love food! You wouldn't know by looking at me though!!

I've been off TPN two weeks and have only lost about 5lbs. Which was expected. I could lose almost en more and they wouldn't do anything... We are trying to get my insurance to approve oral Zofran and if I'm able to take it okay then They will take the PICC line out!! WOOHOO! The only problem is it usually gives me awful headaches. So we will see. Its taking forever to get approved and stressing me out. I want this Line out so very bad. I want to go swimming, not worry about it being pulled on when i do things. To be semi-normal or at least do normal things!!!

Its smells like rain outside!!! I hope it holds off till after I make dinner I don't want to BBQ in the rain. Though I will if I have to!!!

Well I'm done writing for now. Please leave a comment as I do love reading them, and hey if you want to attack me go right ahead but please leave a name so I can mention you on here!!! You might get mentioned even if you don't attack me! *Gabby

posting

Okay, its been awhile since I've posted and really I still don't feel like it but I need to get some stuff outta my brain and this is where I do that. I don't know why i havent felt like posting. I've been really down and this last week didn't help any.

Monday night I get a text that a guy I dated last summer was killed in a car wreck this last week. A... Really a text? Is that how you should tell somebody someone they care about died? I don't think so. At first it didn't bother me but the more I think about it the angrier it makes me. So I've been upset and outta sorts about that.

I have whats call Post traumatic stress disorder, which is a fancy way of saying my body is having stress reactions from all the crap its been through. And let me just say its not fun!

Well I'm exhuasted and don't have anything more to say. I will try to blog soon*Gabby

*

I haven't felt like blogging. I haven't felt like doing anything really. I have a flat tire I need to go have fixed. *Gabby

ramble

I feel like rambling so I hope you're in the mood to read about pretty much nothing! I'm not feeling real great, I think I have a stomach bug. GReat huh. I took a long hot bath tonight it was nice. relaxing. I really needed it. I've been having these weird spasms in my feet for the last few weeks and tonight they started happening in my hands. It hurts horribly. Nobody really knows why it happening but I'm tired of it!!!! I don't do pain well. Well I do I can handle it to a point but once it gets to that point you better give me some drugs or I will be one mean person.

I'm still trying to get over my visit to the ICU the other night. I'm not doing such a good job. I can't stop thinking about it. AH its awful. I wish I could explain just what I'm going through but I can't. Just can't. The hospital is probably my biggest trigger but other things that trigger panic attacks or other things are cherry flavoring, boost or ensure, the smell of some cleaners, beeping. Yes beeping.

Okay so there's this person lets call her M. I haven't known M very long, but I trust her. Which is hard for me because every person I've ever trusted has hurt me badly. She says she won't hurt me and I believe her. But theres still this little thing inside of me that is scared. Not of her. Of me I guess.

Well I have nothing more to ramble about! *Gabby

eek two

Yes two posts in the same day. Well pretty much it is almost midnight I don't know that I will have it up before "tomorrow". Tonight I hurt. I feel angry and frustrated. I don't want to carry on. Doing things is no longer fun for me. Laughing is a forced reaction, no longer a natural response. I just am not happy. I can't find it anywhere. I don't want to be alone or around people. Yet if you ask the people closest to me they'd probably tell you I'm fine. How messed up is that. I want to be happy I really do but its not gonna happen. I don't want to get outta bed anymore because everyday is the same and it's just getting harder and harder to do anything. I find myself asking why a lot more. Why me. Why do I feel this way. Why can't I be happy.

I'm getting to emotional and need to stop. *Gabby

Broken

So my computer broke... :-( That's why I haven't posted in awhile. But my brother gave me a monitor I can hook up to my laptop and now it works. But now I have to save up for a new computer... :-(

My uhm friend went in to have surgery and his heart stopped! They did CPR and brought him back, he spent the night in ICU and me being me thought I should go see him. BiG mistake. He was in the same ICU room I was in the 10 days I spent here. It was awful. I had a mild panic attack when I first walked in the room but managed to hold it together enough that no one noticed or at least no one said anything. I've been having a hard time ever since. Not sleeping much. Not really hungry. Horrible flash backs. Panic attacks. So I'm not so great. I wish I could explain it. But I'm just not ready. It hurts too much to let any of it out. Not that it hurts any less to keep it inside. I'm just not ready.

A few people have asked me what I'd say to the Doctor who did this to me if I got the chance. I wouldn't say anything honestly. I don't what to see him. If the case goes to court I don't know what I'll do. I don't think I could handle seeing him. I talked to my psychologist yesterday... She said something that really got me thinking. He can't hurt me anymore. In anyway. Its over. Then why am I so afraid of him? Why does he haunt my dreams?

I'm really missing Troy. I keep telling myself only 10 more months but it doesn't help. I'm so proud of him for doing it but I still want him here with me. I've been trying to write him a letter and its really hard. ah. *Gabby

Box of dirt....

Well for the last month everyones been asking what I wanted for my Birthday, honestly I didn't know. So finally I told Courtney I wanted a jar of dirt. Yes a jar of dirt. I love to play in dirt there is just something relaxing about it. Well she told me okay she would get that for me, then a few weeks later I brought it up and she said there was no way she was getting me a jar of dirt for my 18th birthday. I was bummed! Then came the night of my party... She places this heavy shoe box in my lap thinking that she got me shoes I'll never wear because they weigh more then I do I open it and to my surprise it was full of dirt, candy and nail polish! I was so excited. It was probably my favorite present ever. So the party went well. We stayed up tell after 4am. And when I say we I mean them. I took a few cat naps after midnight :-).


The drs appointments went really well. I have my last bag of TPN tonight and hopefully taking the PICC out before the end of the month. Then we went shopping and had dinner. It was a good day. *Gabby

Gonna Scream

My computer currently isn't working, makes me crazy. So my mom let me get on hers for a few minutes while she is at work. But I will be taking mine to be fixed Friday if it doesn't start working before that so I won't be very long without one hopefully.

I'm applying or work at a daycare here in Evanston, I want to work with kids. Also at the nursing home so that I can keep my CNA active. I'm not sure I really want to work right now, but I think it will be good for me. I still need to tuen in the applications though.

Tomorrow is the big day. 18 oh goodness. I've been cleaning all day trying to get ready for my party tonight. We forgot to make the cake though... WHOOPS!! Luckily theres still time because the party isn't until 8:30pm. It's a coconut cake mmm.

I'm not really looking forward to tomorrow. I'm afraid they're gonna add something to my already crazy medicine schedule. Or take something. But in my opinion if its working don't change it. I can only stay on the reglan 12 weeks because it can cause weird side effects if you stay on it longer. Muscle spasms. Which have already started to happen. But I guess I will have to wait and see.

I'm thinking about doing something crazy with my sister. I'm very excited. Being 18 is gonna be great! AH!!! More on that at a later date.

Okay well this is a very random post even for me! My house is actually quiet right now as the boys are sitting at the table writting sentences for getting in trouble. I'm texting and blogging. And deciding on the crazy thing. Moms at work. I'm gonna get off and talk to my sister *Gabby