Friday, July 31, 2009

Honestly Honest

I'm going to be completely honest tonight, not that I usually lie. I just usually with hold certain things because I don't what to be seen as crazy. But I've decided that if you see me as crazy and stop reading my blog that'll be okay because it will be honestly me.

I like the taste of dirt, I don't just like it, I crave it. Odd I know but completely me.
I'm afraid of the dark. But if I leave my light on it always ends up being shut off while I'm sleeping and waking up to a dark room when I went to sleep with the light on is even more scary then just shutting it off myself. Very childish but completely me.
I'm depressed, I'm selfish, I'm starting to go crazy. I hurt all the time. It takes more energy for me to pull myself out of bed then you probably use all day.
I don't get dressed most days, why bother anymore.
Nothing has any joy for me anymore, I've stopped caring because the pain is too bad but that takes away the good things also.
I'm not afraid of death, in fact in some points I welcome it. It hurts to live. Having the want to die is the most painful thing ever, keeping myself from doing it is even harder. Waking up knowing that life is going to be the same as it was the day before, that I'm still me, that this last year of complete hell wasn't just a dream. Its pure misery. But if I had the chance to trade places with someone, I wouldn't because that would mean they would have to go through everything I do. And no one deserves to go through this much pain. No one should have to feel the want to die.
I don't want pity I'm tired of pity.
Natasha Bedingfield has a song called "Happy" That some of the lyrics are exactly how I feel "Can't figure how I’m gonna fix tomorrow away If today’s still a mess Can u tell me what’s the point man, It all seems meaningless I wish that I could step away and breathe This world’s trying to swallow me Clear away the clouds inside my head Someone just tell me That it’s OK now What are you worried about"
I'm worried about losing everything, I already don't have as good of relationships with everyone around me.
I lost my job.
My boyfriend.
My happiness.
What else do I have to lose before this can end?
My sanity?
Because I'm pretty close.
I feel like I could snap at anytime.
And the people I want to talk to I either feel like I'm burdening them or they just flat don't care.
I like to fix problems. But I can't fix this. I don't have the energy even if I was able to.

It's not about forgetting to remember for me, it's remembering to forget.

I wish that I could just forget the last year of my life.
That I could eat a cherry and not have a vivid flashback.
That I wasn't afraid of everything every day of my life.

I have a book that I color my feelings in, I only use a black crayon. Thats the only color Inside of me right now.

Well there you have it. Into the head of Gabby. Probably more then you ever wanted to know about me. Sorry. *Gabby


lovey said...

Gabby, I understand, this past year has been crappy for me too. It's hard to hold onto hope for the future, when you deal with crap and pain all day in the present. But as someone older, who has gone through quite a bit, there will be better times. You will gain back what you have lost. It sounds like you are grieving all your loses. That's natural. I grieve all I've lost this year. My friends. My health. My money/stability. All of this makes me fear the future. But at this point, it can't get any worse. Please do reach out to those you can. People do need to seek them out. Take care, sweetie.

Kellee said...

I loved it!
Thanks for sharing.
Share as much as you want =)

Court said...

I don't think we need to talk. I think you've laid out your pain fairly nicely. I'm going to write a blog that I want you to read as well.
In all honesty gab's, I used to look at you and see a girl who needed something, maybe attention, maybe a father figure, maybe a break, but now I look at you and see possibilites. And if you don't pick yourself up, you'll loose that. you're stronger than you're fears and health problems. I know it's hard. and please believe me when I say I know pain. I'll pray for you. Jesus will hear your name in a different context tonight.
It hurts to Heal. But not healing, is so much worse.
(I don't really know what else to say, but I love you, and I wish you would privilage me with your thoughts. it's not a burdon.)

rabidbutterfly said...

i'm 30, almost 31 with 3 kids, and have been in constant pain for three years. have been through several surgeries, multiple hospitalizations in the last year, and honestly, it's not getting better. read my stuff.
it's tough, not being the person you want, around those you love. whether or not you message me back, please remember that they love you, no matter how you feel...
that's all i've got. i know it's hard.


Nicole said...

All i can do is listen and ask you to stay, despite the pain. Thats all.