Broken

So my computer broke... :-( That's why I haven't posted in awhile. But my brother gave me a monitor I can hook up to my laptop and now it works. But now I have to save up for a new computer... :-(

My uhm friend went in to have surgery and his heart stopped! They did CPR and brought him back, he spent the night in ICU and me being me thought I should go see him. BiG mistake. He was in the same ICU room I was in the 10 days I spent here. It was awful. I had a mild panic attack when I first walked in the room but managed to hold it together enough that no one noticed or at least no one said anything. I've been having a hard time ever since. Not sleeping much. Not really hungry. Horrible flash backs. Panic attacks. So I'm not so great. I wish I could explain it. But I'm just not ready. It hurts too much to let any of it out. Not that it hurts any less to keep it inside. I'm just not ready.

A few people have asked me what I'd say to the Doctor who did this to me if I got the chance. I wouldn't say anything honestly. I don't what to see him. If the case goes to court I don't know what I'll do. I don't think I could handle seeing him. I talked to my psychologist yesterday... She said something that really got me thinking. He can't hurt me anymore. In anyway. Its over. Then why am I so afraid of him? Why does he haunt my dreams?

I'm really missing Troy. I keep telling myself only 10 more months but it doesn't help. I'm so proud of him for doing it but I still want him here with me. I've been trying to write him a letter and its really hard. ah. *Gabby