I'm not in a good mood, I'm not trying to be in a good mood. I finally got outta bed at 1 and only because I had to go to PT. I'm considering going back to bed. I'm annoyed with me I'm annoyed with life and I'm annoyed with stupid people. Pretty much I'm annoyed with everything. Today I can't just put a smile on and pretend to be fine. Because I'm not fine. I've gotten so good at pretending to be fine hoping that one day I would be that I think I just made me even less fine. Does that make sense?
I feel like screaming. Really screaming, as loud as I can. But I know it won't help because nothing helps. I'm hurting and nothing I try to do fixes it. I wish there was an easy answer for why I have to go through this. There's not though. I probably will never know why. And I wish I could say I'm alright with it. I want to be okay, I want to really smile, to have fun. But I'm not and I don't. When will I? When will this constant pain go away? When will I be Gabby again?
Troy and I are no longer "together". And right now I'm okay with it. It was on good terms that we ended but we won't still be friends... That never works. *Gabby
1 comment:
For the 1st 18 years of my life, I wished on every coin dropped in a fountain, every soda can top, every eyelash, every birthday cake one single wish. I want to be happy. Then one day, I went to make the wish out of habit and I realized I didnt need to wish it anymore, I was happy. This is a hard time and its OK to not want to fake it. You have a lot of addedd stress that is on top of the usual baloney all people your age go through. It is true, a lot of us "fake it till you make it"...that never changes. Do you have someone you talk to? I heart my therapist and you know what? sometimes we are too hard on ourselves. We think it should be like a tap dance under street lights but really, life is about small joys. Becuase big ones dont last, they arent practical, if that makes sense. For instance, having a child. Its the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. but now she is 3. she talks back to me and hurts my feelings and in general is a PAIN, like every other 3 year old. I struggled so long to have her, how DARE I now be frustrated and tired and unhappy? but then she makes a little joke or says something sweet like " Mommy, I love being with you." and there u have it. A small joy...I dont know, whats the point here. I understand how you feel. I hope you are talking to someone who can help you make sense of how you feel ( as much as that is possible. nothing ever REALLY makes total sense), to help put things in perspective. no one doubts your pain, emotional or otherwise. but wouldnt it be worth it if there were tools you could acquire to maybe make you feel better? I'm sure you have someone you talk to, especially if u have been diagnosed with PTSD. So all this might be extra and not helpful at all. I just want you to know I feel for you. I read your words becuase I want them to exist. dont forget that...
oh, was the Troy thing like a long distance wouldnt work kind of break up?
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