Don't just hear me, listen to me.

This last week, I had a fight. With J. She said something, that was not so nice. Me, being hypersensitive, took it hard. I didn't want to talk about it. She asked what I meant. I told her. Suddenly I'm inconsiderate for texting her. What? I give up. Really. Why bother. She isn't listening to me. I shoot her an email. It states that I'm done, I love her, I'm not gonna deal with this. She Replies and says we are going to talk about it, and that I'm the one who created "this". Hmm really? I thought it was her hypocritical and cruel words. My bad, my bad.
I'm a rather stubborn person. I do what I want, I get what I want. That's just how it usually is. So her telling me we WILL talk. Well it rubs me the wrong way. Really the wrong way.
So I'm just letting the situation chill for awhile, then I will inform her that I have no desire to continue a relationship with her if I'm going to end up hurt all the time.

I haven't been sleeping much. Most nights I'm up tell 2-3 and then at 4,5,6,7 and then sleep until 9. It's not so great. Everything is so much harder when you don't sleep well. Which is probably part of why what J said hurt me so much. But nonetheless that pain is real. I can't deal with this all the time. Or any of the time. That's why I'm not.

I'm reading a new book. Wicked. It's rather interesting. Have you read it? I'd love to hear some reviews on it. I found it on my last bookstore browse. Have I told you how much I LOVE bookstores? Well I do. I could spend hours just browsing. Picking up books that look slightly interesting and reading the backs. Sipping on coffee while reading a book, that on any other day I wouldn't have looked twice at. Watching the news, reading the paper. Observing others doing that same thing. The whole experience, well it's pretty amazing.

Well I need to shower. Then I'm gonna curl up with a book for awhile. If I don't fall asleep soon, I'm get back on and post. *Gabby

Droid

So I need a new phone. Mine is malfunctioning horribly. When I try to take a picture, it turns off. I've charged it three times today... It goes from full battery to none. None to two. Two to four. It's quite frankly, driving me crazy!!! So I was looking, and my mom suggested to droid. It looks really cool. There are two. I like the one from motorola the best. But really, with how my phone is acting, I'd be happy with either. It's kinda like a blackberry, you have to pay the data plan each month, which I'm totally fine with. It's only thirty bucks. Which only puts my bill at $50 a month. That's not at all bad. Considering if I get my own plan it would be like $70. So I'm cool with it.

Today, went well. I've been out of bed since about 9am. Which for most people is normal. But for me, I'm happy if I get up at noon, and don't have to take a nap in the afternoon. Here is the picture, its not real good quality, but it shows my hair. It's also not a bad picture of me.

SO I'm pretty annoyed... All that stuff I ordered the other day still isn't here. I paid for overnight shipping. Grr. Now I have to find the service number. AH I HATE WORK. I like things to be easy.

So my Psychologist thinks me getting a weighted blanket would be a good idea. But they're pretty expensive. Like $200. So I'm not sure if I want to get one. If it works it would be so worth it. But if it doesn't I'm out $200. It's purpose would be to help me sleep. I'm not sleeping much. When I do, it's not well. So that doesn't help me feel any better. It definitely doesn't help my mood and emotions... Sad.

*Gabby

What?

This is me. Dark hair, dark eyes... WHITE skin. Ghostly white to be exact.
I was perfectly happy with me, but it was time for a change!Whoa, what? Is that a bird? A plane? Maybe Brittney Spears?No! It's me!


I will try to get a better picture up later. My phone is being retarded... Blah. Its a fairly new phone. But it isn't working too well lately.... *Gabby

What I would say...

I do, at times, talk. But most of the time, I'm quiet. Is it because I have nothing good to say? No not really. It's because I don't think people want to hear what I have to say.
I'm still like a child in many ways. I view things as black and white. You're either a nice person or a mean one. It's either hot or cold. Big or small. There is no middle ground for me. That's why the subject I want to talk about tonight is so hard for me. My Dad, lately I've been thinking a lot about him. Wondering where he is. Hoping he thinks about me. Wanting to talk to him, to tell him what's going on. Feeling that even though he may not care, he still needs to know that his baby girl may have cancer. That she struggles everyday with the simple task of eating. That she deals with pain that could bring down the strongest of persons. That she has nightmares of the worst sort. That sometimes she wakes up and cries for no reason at all. That sometimes she needs him. Maybe he doesn't need to know. Maybe I need him to know. Maybe I need him to pretend to care. Maybe I need him to lie and say he'll come, or that it will be okay. Maybe I just need to hear him say he loves me one more time. Even though I may not believe him, maybe I just need to hear it. Maybe hearing his voice is all I need. To just know he is okay. But at the same time, that would break my heart all over again. Because it would mean he really doesn't care. That all this time he could have called, he choose not to. I want a relationship with my Father. Is that too much to ask for? I've come to accept that I will have to do all the work to have this. I still want it. I feel silly that I want it. The only ties he has to me is blood, why should he be different then any other stranger out there? Why do I long for a relationship with him? I don't know him. I couldn't even describe to you what he looks like. Some Father right. But I want it. I don't know why I want it but I do. I would even go as far as to say, I need it? I think, right now in my life, I need my daddy. More then ever before, I need my daddy. He may not need, or want me. But life isn't about him anymore. I'm not going to worry about his feelings, his wants. Because he has had the last 18+ years of getting what he wants. Now its my turn. I have an number, of his old girlfriend, one of them anyways. Tomorrow, I will call. I will boldly and bravely ask for my father. If he is not there, I will try to find out where he is. But if by some chance, he is there. I will talk to him. I will explain that I need him. I will hope he listens. And no matter how our conversation ends, come next week, I will call him again. Am I being naive? Should I just accept that my father will be this way forever? I don't want to. Honestly I don't know that I can. I still think that everyone, no matter what the case. Can change if they want to....

I couldn't sleep. This and some other things are weighing on my mind tonight. I don't think I'm ready for the second part of this post. So I will end here. Take a sleeping pill and hope for the best tomorrow. This is where I sign off goodnight. *Gabby

When I'm down.

(I can't get the underline to go away!!!)

When I'm down. I shop. Not a good things. But true. I got an email from Aerie, one of my new favorite places, well they had a sale going on. I however didn't buy anything on sale. But I did find this cute nightie, I love night gowns. Well that's if I wear anything more then underwear. Which happens to be quite often, as I stay other places, or people stay here. (now it's blue!!!) I also found this sundress! Another thing that I LOVE!!! Seriously, I would wear dresses and leggings ALL the time if I could. I also bought a bunch of underwear. :) I won't post pictures of those though.

(okay this is driving me crazy) My Wookie! He is so cute. But he is not getting the potty training thing so well. Or at all. He will go on the puppy pad if we are in my room. But the rest of the time he goes on the floor. Even if I take him out every half hour. It's driving me crazy!
Well I'm done uploading pictures, so maybe my font will stay the same....
Class went well. We talked about consciousness. Great.
I want to unleash my feelings. But I think I will just take a shower and go to bed. Yes. That sounds good. *Gabby

Struggle.

I don't struggle to remember,
I struggle to forget.
One day without the constant reminders,
is a day I long for.
I trace the scars on my body with my finger,
knowing they are permanent.
I know they are what makes me, me.
But they bring back the memories of pain and suffering.
I don't think I would trade it, if I was able to.
But I certainly would not ask for it.
I don't want the memories to be gone forever.
I learned some wonderful life lessons.
But to be able to forget,
just for a day,
that would be marvelous.

I'm sick today. Blah. I slept until noon. Probably would have slept longer but mom came home and got me up. I've had a fever all day. Not a high fever, just enough to make me feel rotten. Mom seems to think that I should feel like making dinner, whatever. I have a sore throat, some white spots on my tonsils. Great. Just what I need. If it's not better by morning I'll go have a culture.

My liver biopsy and scope are scheduled for the 18th. I'm glad it's scheduled, It takes a big weight of my shoulders. I just wish it was sooner. I just hope I don't have a test that day, but with my luck, I probably will.

I did awful on my algebra test. 56%. So I have a D in the class. Which luckily, is still passing. I did way better on my Psych exam, 76%. Which is a C. I am thrilled with that. I'm actually getting the Algebra we are doing right now. SO hopefully I will do better on the next test. If not I'm gonna have problems with my financial aid. Which won't be good. But I think I have a A, maybe a B in computers. I got an A on the tests I took last night. I'm just hoping to pass all my classes. I don't care if I have A's, I just want to pass.

Well I have to go get mom. *Gabby

I'm done

DONE! I done with people hurting me. Yes, I know I'm a bit hypersensitive. But that doesn't mean the pain isn't real. The hurt is deep tonight. I don't know what to do with it. I tried to talk to my mom, but she only made it worse. Much worse. Now I'm sitting here watching the ice dancing, crying. Feeling hungry, knowing if I eat, I'll be sick. but I'll probably be sick anyway. So I might as well eat. :( I'm so tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of being hurt. I know it's just life, but, I'm still sick of it. I hurt, bad.

I worked all day. Came home. Got into the stupid argument. and spent the last few hours crying.
Why do I let people hurt me? Mom says it hurts more because I don't feel good. Which is true. My regular is not feeling good. So I guess I'm so worn down that the little things hurt big, and the big things hurt even worse. *Gabby

Ham N Beans

I'm not a fan of ham. At all. But certain things with ham... I enjoy. Like homemade ham n beans. Oh yeah! That's what I'm having for dinner here in a few.

I just got off work. It was not so great. I said "Are you still talking?" multiple times. People who talk, just to be heard drive me crazy. When people get super upset over stupid things, like being out of ice, it drives me crazy.

I'm still hurting. But don't feel like blogging about it tonight. Maybe tomorrow. *Gabby

Silent Snow

The silent snow falls
I watch
It brings back memories
I cry
I wonder how
Something so simply
Can be so complex.

It's snowing here, if you didn't catch that. I have this overall feeling of blah.

Am I more then you bargained for yet? I've been dying to tell you anything you wanna hear, 'cause that's just who I am this week.

This week, it's been awful. I've spent most of it in bed. No I didn't physically need to be there. But mentally, i can't face the world right now. I feel silly. I'm letting a few silly words hurt me so deeply, the scars will be permanent. I guess the walls I built weren't so great. The didn't protect me. My best friend, she doesn't understand what I'm going through. Okay, I don't expect her to really. Not many people have been down this path before. At least not people I know. But she can't understand. She can't understand why I stay in bed and hide from the world. She doesn't see that I don't need her to tell me what I'm doing wrong, but help me with what I can do right.But really that's not whats bothering me most. Court and I, we work things out. I know at the end of the day, she's there. But J, she said something, I'm really hurting now. I find a strange beauty in these flowers. Even though they're dead, they're beautiful to me. I hope I'm like these flowers. Even though, I may be gone for awhile, am I still beautiful? Do I still hold wonder? Can I still be loved?

I had a CRAPPY Valentines day.
I met this guy
at college.
We hit it off quite nicely.
He asked me,
well to be his Valentine.
And then as I'm getting ready,
he texts.
The stupid text.
He says he's going to hang with his friends.
Instead.
Well lovely.
Another day alone.

So silly me calls J. I'm upset. To be expected I guess. She actually helped, a bit.Until she says "are you coming on the trip tomorrow?" what trip no one told me of a trip. (Yes I have missed a lot of Church. But not because I want to. When I feel like dirt, it gets hard to pull myself out of bed. And lately with the pain, I haven't been there. On Wednesday nights, I have class. Only night I have this class. I can't miss. When I do go. I'm not really there. I'm in too much pain to focus. So really, why go? But does that mean I should be pushed out? No longer be told of the happenings? I think not.)
She says: Well if you ACTUALLY came to Church you would know these things
me: that hurt
Her: the truth hurts.
Ouch.
One of the very few people just threw herself off the boat.
Or maybe she was never on it.
Maybe it was just in my mind she was supportive and really understood.


I'm grumpy. Really grumpy. Everyone is getting on my nerves, but I don't want to be alone. I'm alone enough.

After she said that to me. I had had it. I went into breakdown mode. I cried, I yelled, I cried some more. My mom just stood there. She didn't know what to do, what to say. She hugged me, said she loved me. Tried to make it all better. Her attempts were wonderful. But it didn't help any. I've spent the days since in bed. I can't face a world that thinks I'm not trying. I'm trying. Really, I'm trying. But I hurt. It's hard. But I try. *Gabby

Z

Sick

I feel awful. I'll post for real tomorrow.*Gabby

See

Cry myself to sleep only to have nightmares? Why bother?

Let me forget.

Let me forget, but make you remember.


I've had a rough couple days.
Been in a funk.
Felt like junk.
But I'm still here.

I have a test in Algebra on Tuesday. I'm sure I'm gonna fail. My new friend Andy is gonna help me study. SO maybe not. Then I have a test in Psychology Wednesday. I feel pretty good about this one. But It's a much more interesting subject for me, so that makes it easier.

I'm having an argument with my best friend. It hurts. It's amazing how much she doesn't know about me. I don't want to lose her. But I don't want someone telling me how I feel. What I think. She doesn't understand, I don't enjoy being sad, never 'really' smiling. Forget me, please. I don't want to hurt you. *Gabby

Lets have some fun, this beat is sick.

This beat(me) is sick. So lets have some fun. But first I have to explain what happened today. So I had a Ct scan last week. They found a mass in my liver. So now I have to have a liver biopsy. They will sedate me. Stick a needle in my stomach and pull out some of my liver. While I'm asleep they will also do a scope. To make sure everything's in order. I'm freaking out. Spot on my liver. Spot on my lung. Not good signs.

Tell me something funny you did today. Please, I need a different mind trail to run on for a minute.

*Gabby

All These Things Inside My Head.

Thirty four percent of the worlds population share the same blood type.
I want a snack.
I don't want to hurt anymore.
Give me a break, give me a break. Break me off a piece of that kit kat bar.
So many many reasons it's so mhmm mhmm good.
Debi, well she is more then amazing. She is fantabulas. I love her so much. She is the only person who cares enough to call me at 230am just to make sure I'm okay. And when I answer the phone, rather confused as to why my phone is ringing at 230am. She just says good morning and asks if I'm okay. That's what real love is. Not caring that it's 230am, you have to make sure that the one you love is okay or you don't sleep. It makes me feel good to know that someone cares about me this much.
I want a cookie.
Eating a cookie.
Take my breath away. What takes my breath away? Sunsets. A babies first laugh. Knowing that someone you love loves you back. Those are all good ways. The thought of someone I love dying. Knowing that I'm being lied to... Those just take my breath away.What makes me completely lose my breath? The surgeon who did all this to me, his name. It takes me a few minutes after his name is mentioned to recover.
I have a DR visit in the morning. So I will go to bed. Won't sleep. But hopefully gain energy. *Gabby

Forget to breathe

Remind me to breathe. Tell me it's okay. Let me know that this hole in my heart will heal. Not with time. With love. Help me through this. Once again, hold me while I cry.

Breathe Gabby breathe. *Gabby

Because Sometimes I Find it Hard.

Sometimes, I find it hard to cry. I don't like to cry anytime. But Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I find it hard to find the right words to say. I'm not one of many words sometimes I can't find any.
Sometimes I find it hard to smile. Smiling is my coping skill. When I'm hurting I smile. When I'm to the point I can't smile. Somethings wrong. Sometimes I find it hard to blog. I love to blog. It helps me SO much. But sometimes, I just can't.


I didn't get home until after 1am. I didn't sleep real well. I have a sore throat. I get to go to work at 2. Hmm this doesn't sound fun. *Gabby

Well Potato

So other then having to ice my face to keep the swelling down. Other then feeling awful today. Other then having a pile of homework. Yes, other then all that I'm okay. The tests that I had done this week all came back fine. Deep breath, frustration. While I'm glad there is nothing wrong, I want answers. I want to be able to eat. I want to stay at the same weight for more then a day. I want to be okay.

Jumping for a minute. I got a new book. "Wicked". I haven't started reading it yet. But it looks very interesting. I love books. Hardback books. OH LOVE!!! After we got done with the upper gi Wednesday. We couldn't leave town because they weren't sure if the dr wanted to see me, so we went to lunch, old navy, and Barnes and Noble. Oh LOVE spent over an hour just looking, it was wonderful.

Well I'm gonna go help with dinner. I'm gonna babysit tonight so I won't be back till late. Maybe one of these days I'll do an interesting post again! *Gabby

Fat lip due to car door.

Enough said.

I was bored today at work. So I took some pictures. Nice right? These are the views from the back drive window at my Mcdonalds. Not bad. Not bad


Blah, so the news? I have a CT scan in the morning. And a Upper GI Wednesday morning. I will be tweeting and letting you know how it goes. I'm not looking forward to the early morning. I better get to bed. Goodnight.*Gabby