What I would say...

I do, at times, talk. But most of the time, I'm quiet. Is it because I have nothing good to say? No not really. It's because I don't think people want to hear what I have to say.
I'm still like a child in many ways. I view things as black and white. You're either a nice person or a mean one. It's either hot or cold. Big or small. There is no middle ground for me. That's why the subject I want to talk about tonight is so hard for me. My Dad, lately I've been thinking a lot about him. Wondering where he is. Hoping he thinks about me. Wanting to talk to him, to tell him what's going on. Feeling that even though he may not care, he still needs to know that his baby girl may have cancer. That she struggles everyday with the simple task of eating. That she deals with pain that could bring down the strongest of persons. That she has nightmares of the worst sort. That sometimes she wakes up and cries for no reason at all. That sometimes she needs him. Maybe he doesn't need to know. Maybe I need him to know. Maybe I need him to pretend to care. Maybe I need him to lie and say he'll come, or that it will be okay. Maybe I just need to hear him say he loves me one more time. Even though I may not believe him, maybe I just need to hear it. Maybe hearing his voice is all I need. To just know he is okay. But at the same time, that would break my heart all over again. Because it would mean he really doesn't care. That all this time he could have called, he choose not to. I want a relationship with my Father. Is that too much to ask for? I've come to accept that I will have to do all the work to have this. I still want it. I feel silly that I want it. The only ties he has to me is blood, why should he be different then any other stranger out there? Why do I long for a relationship with him? I don't know him. I couldn't even describe to you what he looks like. Some Father right. But I want it. I don't know why I want it but I do. I would even go as far as to say, I need it? I think, right now in my life, I need my daddy. More then ever before, I need my daddy. He may not need, or want me. But life isn't about him anymore. I'm not going to worry about his feelings, his wants. Because he has had the last 18+ years of getting what he wants. Now its my turn. I have an number, of his old girlfriend, one of them anyways. Tomorrow, I will call. I will boldly and bravely ask for my father. If he is not there, I will try to find out where he is. But if by some chance, he is there. I will talk to him. I will explain that I need him. I will hope he listens. And no matter how our conversation ends, come next week, I will call him again. Am I being naive? Should I just accept that my father will be this way forever? I don't want to. Honestly I don't know that I can. I still think that everyone, no matter what the case. Can change if they want to....

I couldn't sleep. This and some other things are weighing on my mind tonight. I don't think I'm ready for the second part of this post. So I will end here. Take a sleeping pill and hope for the best tomorrow. This is where I sign off goodnight. *Gabby