Thursday, February 18, 2010

Silent Snow

The silent snow falls
I watch
It brings back memories
I cry
I wonder how
Something so simply
Can be so complex.

It's snowing here, if you didn't catch that. I have this overall feeling of blah.

Am I more then you bargained for yet? I've been dying to tell you anything you wanna hear, 'cause that's just who I am this week.

This week, it's been awful. I've spent most of it in bed. No I didn't physically need to be there. But mentally, i can't face the world right now. I feel silly. I'm letting a few silly words hurt me so deeply, the scars will be permanent. I guess the walls I built weren't so great. The didn't protect me. My best friend, she doesn't understand what I'm going through. Okay, I don't expect her to really. Not many people have been down this path before. At least not people I know. But she can't understand. She can't understand why I stay in bed and hide from the world. She doesn't see that I don't need her to tell me what I'm doing wrong, but help me with what I can do right.But really that's not whats bothering me most. Court and I, we work things out. I know at the end of the day, she's there. But J, she said something, I'm really hurting now. I find a strange beauty in these flowers. Even though they're dead, they're beautiful to me. I hope I'm like these flowers. Even though, I may be gone for awhile, am I still beautiful? Do I still hold wonder? Can I still be loved?

I had a CRAPPY Valentines day.
I met this guy
at college.
We hit it off quite nicely.
He asked me,
well to be his Valentine.
And then as I'm getting ready,
he texts.
The stupid text.
He says he's going to hang with his friends.
Well lovely.
Another day alone.

So silly me calls J. I'm upset. To be expected I guess. She actually helped, a bit.Until she says "are you coming on the trip tomorrow?" what trip no one told me of a trip. (Yes I have missed a lot of Church. But not because I want to. When I feel like dirt, it gets hard to pull myself out of bed. And lately with the pain, I haven't been there. On Wednesday nights, I have class. Only night I have this class. I can't miss. When I do go. I'm not really there. I'm in too much pain to focus. So really, why go? But does that mean I should be pushed out? No longer be told of the happenings? I think not.)
She says: Well if you ACTUALLY came to Church you would know these things
me: that hurt
Her: the truth hurts.
One of the very few people just threw herself off the boat.
Or maybe she was never on it.
Maybe it was just in my mind she was supportive and really understood.

I'm grumpy. Really grumpy. Everyone is getting on my nerves, but I don't want to be alone. I'm alone enough.

After she said that to me. I had had it. I went into breakdown mode. I cried, I yelled, I cried some more. My mom just stood there. She didn't know what to do, what to say. She hugged me, said she loved me. Tried to make it all better. Her attempts were wonderful. But it didn't help any. I've spent the days since in bed. I can't face a world that thinks I'm not trying. I'm trying. Really, I'm trying. But I hurt. It's hard. But I try. *Gabby

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