Wordless

So, it's been a crazy week. Friday they started me on Erythomycin and Medicine for thrush. Well yesterday I wasn't feeling quite right, so I read through the list of possible side effects. Mouth sores are a rare but serious side effect. Well my mouth is full of sores. So we called the dr, they didn't answer. So we called the Pharmacy. They said to stop it immediately. Well then this morning the dr office called back the guy my mom talked to has had thrush recently and about a week after taking the meds he developed mouth sores. SO now we don't know whether its and allergic reaction, or just normal progression of thrush. Either, it's awful. I'm miserable. Sores all down my throat. Hardly able to eat. Blah. Awful.

I have TONS of homework. Which I should be doing right now... Whatever.... My brother is coming over tomorrow to help me with the 100+ algebra problems I have due tomorrow at 4. Yuck. But I have to do them to get my grade up.
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Wookie has started chewing on our toilet brushes. Weird dog! Not to mention is so disgusting.He is getting better at the potty training. He whined at the door earlier I guess, then peed on the floor. So he is getting it.

I've been kinda "wordless" lately. Not that I don't want to talk. Oh boy do I. I just can't find the right words to say. They are all "stuck" I can't even think through and arrange them. It's awful.

Troy will be home Friday!!! That's only like a day away. I can't believe it. It's been a long hard year. I have missed him dearly. He has been in the states since late Friday night. We have been texting like crazy. I've loved every minute! I can not wait to see him Friday! FRIDAY!!!! It will be wonderful. There's some things to work out. But we can do it!!! I will blog more about this later! I need sleep. *Ga5bby

Party

So I'm sick... Blah. Hoping I can get into the dr tomorrow. I think my dr is out of the office but maybe I can get into someone else. I will have to make the drive alone... Which isn't great... But maybe I can stop for sushi!!! Yum yum...

I'm at a movie party. Watching Beauty and the Beast. Great movie. :) I highly recomend it. Not that you haven't seen it. EVerybody has seen it right? :)
*Ga5bby

*Late Night*

Okay so this is me going to bed... Yeah. I decided not to... It's as simple as that. I tried. It didn't work. SO here I sit, once again, awake in the middle of the night. Anyone else up? This is where wookie is currently sleeping... SO cute!

I got a little gift from J. Things are still going smooth there. It's a cute little notebook! Sorry the pictures aren't that great. I took them with my phone. And it's pretty dark in here.This little note was in it. So sweet. I love getting little notes. And letters. They're wonderful!

Rebekah, remember when we were little, right after you moved away and we'd write letters? I think I might still have one, somewhere. We'd "have" or dolls "write" letters too. We were so cute! I can't believe that's been at least 10 years ago. So much time has passed. It seem like just yesterday we were crawling through your neato dog door!!! Eating Maddysons skittles through the fence HA! Or you accidentally sitting in my toilet HA! Blocking my door so Destinee couldn't get in my room. Or watching LOTR in my basement and me talking about how Faramire has nice hair. HA I was so tired. I got grounded for a month after that for not getting the laundry done. but it was worth it. We so need to get together this summer. Be "adults". We should go see the ocean. I've never seen the ocean. I think it would be great to do it with someone who I had many of my "firsts" with. Maybe go to disneyland!! That would be SO fun. (I know I'm dreaming big here as we both are broke college students, but hey, it could happen). You know, we have a pretty amazing relationship! After years of silence we just picked up where we left off. You are still my best friend. After all these years of being apart I've found that it just made me trust you more. I know that no matter what you will ALWAYS be here for me. And I for you. You realize, we've been friend for 12 years and NEVER had a fight. At least not one that stuck in my memory, so it must not have mattered. What I'm trying to say is I love you Rebekah and am SO blessed to have you as a friend!

So I had an idea. I think starting tomorrow, well today, or Friday I'm going to do a random picture a day with what meaning it has for me. For a whole week. Wanna join? If you do let me know and I'll figure out how to set up a link thing. Brent Riggs, I may need your help! :)

Well, I'm gonna head back to bed. I have to be up in 4 hours.... *Ga5bby
P.s. I changed my name. It is now Ga5bby. The 5 is silent. :)

Today

Well, today didn't go as planned. I ended up sleeping until noonish, then took mom back to work. came home and napped for a couple hours. Went and got ice cream for my sister and the kids. Went to the store. Went and got my mom. Went to school. Not a very fulfilling day. Tomorrow I have to be up by nine to take my nephew to the dentist.... Fun.... I'm so ready for my mom to get a car. I mean SO READY!!!! So maybe tomorrow I will get something done. Like laundry. Cleaning my room. The bathroom needs cleaned. Maybe I'll go apartment hunting. I really need to. There are some studio apartments for like 430 a month. But there in the "bad" part of town, but really I thinks it's just my mom.

Growing up stinks. Really. It's not fun. I wish I could go back a few years.

Gosh. Well that just put a damper on my posting. Goodnight. *Ga5bby

GRR...

I am...
Stressed
Angry
Sad
Overwhelmed
Depressed

I am a big ball of emotions. The flat feeling only lasted a few days. Now I'm back with a bite.
I want to go to bed.
But the nightmares are really bad.
The one person who helps, well she's been really busy.
Life. It stinks.


The one thing I can't stand.
Well it's happening.
I try to change it.
Get my butt bit.

I'm tired of hurting.
So tired


I'm not at an all time low.
Not in the same field.
But in this new field
I may have hit the bottom.
I'm not loving the cold ground.

Will someone please listen to what I'm saying, not just read the words.
Please really hear me.
This stinks.

I want to be okay.
I want to be kissed in the rain.
I want to feel well enough to walk around the block

I'm not okay.
Ha. Yeah right
Maybe one day.

The doc still hasn't called about the biopsy results. Not the liver biopsy, as that didn't happen.
The stomach biopsies they took.

I just want to take the stupid medicine and feel well.
Is that too much to ask.

I'm all alone.
I'm hurting, mentally, physically, spiritually.
So whats stopping me.
Honestly nothing.
But will I?
Doubtful.
I don't have the energy.

But really, would it matter.
Right now, I don't feel like it would

I've had a long night.
Details. Not now.
Change.
Yes.
Starting with me going to find my own place tomorrow.
Wow.
Big change.
But, it's the only way.
For her to be okay I mean.
I don't matter anymore.
Just her.


Just her.

Did you hear that?

*Ga5bby

He is getting SO big. I can't believe it!!! I love him SO much!!! *Gabby

Lost...

I don't know what to say. I'm relieved that everything is okay. Not good. But fixable.
I did not have to have a potentially life threatening test done.

Sidenote* I'm watching The Hangover.... WOW. If I ever get married. There will be no bachelor party in Vegas. NONE. I do not recommend this movie. REALLY DO NOT WATCH IT.

I'm feeling wiped out really. Like my emotions were so built up that in that moment where they all went away, it took all of me. I'm really just existing right now. Not because life is so bad. But because it's all I can muster. I haven't been sleeping much. Not because I don't want and need sleep. I just can't sleep.

I've been thinking. In all this time that I've not been sleeping. I really miss Troy. Our relationship is broken. We never had a boyfriend girl friend relationship. Just the thought of one. I'm ready for a real relationship . I hope he wants one because I want a real relationship with him. I don't think I ever blogged about my date with Devan. Well he was this very nice guy that I met at Church camp. Well he drove up from Layton Utah and we went out. Blah blah blah. Then he kissed me. All I could think was "this isn't Troy". It was nothing about Devan. It just wasn't Troy. I wanted Troy. I hope to always want Troy...

But the part that I haven't told you yet is Troy WILL be HOME by EASTER!!! That's like less then 2 weeks!!! I can't believe it!!! I am SOOOO Excited. April 9th will be a year since I've seen him... So very long. I can not wait to hold his hand again! Enjoy the simple things right? AH. I wish I had an exact time he would be home. But I don't. So for now I will just hold to the fact that by Easter Sunday I will get to see him... That's good enough for me....

He might be deploying again in 2 years. I'm not looking forward to that. But if it happens. We will get through it. I know it!!! *Gabby

Free....

First lets talk about the facts of yesterday. They did NOT do the liver biopsy. The radiologist took one look at my films and said "I know exactly what that is" Focal Fatty Infiltration... Basically part of my Liver is processing things differently then the rest. He wouldn't have done the biopsy even if he didn't know what it was. The place that it is at in my liver is the most dangerous place to do a biopsy. He would be within an millimeter of the important vein that is by my liver. And if he nicked it it could cause serious problems, even death. But everyone is confident that this is what it is. Deep breath.

So they did the scope. My surgery is still intact. But my esophagus has what is probably a fungus(GROSS) growing on it. Which is causing the pain and nausea. AND my stomach was full of bile. Which means I probably have bile gastritis. Which can also cause pain and nausea. Both treatable with medication. Deep breath.

Because of the scope my throat is KILLING me. So I'm gonna go make some yummy stuff to make it feel better. *Gabby

Let it be....

So I realized that I never actually put on here that Thursday March 18th 2010 will be the day of my liver biopsy. Hmm well I don't think many words should follow that. *Gabby

What if....

What if is something that's always going through my head... What if things were different? What if I didn't have this mass. But, it doesn't do me any good. It doesn't change the facts, I have a mass. I'm scared.

"I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining"


I've been barely holding it together for about a week now.
After my Computers midterm I was writing the date and realized it was only a little over a week until the biopsy. I had to leave. I was freaking out. It's just gotten worse each day.
I will continue to hold myself together with duck tape for as long as it takes to really be okay.

"As the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
"I am with you"
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
and takes away"

It's Spring Break.
I've only gotten two of my grades back.
I got a B in Psych!
We won't talk about algebra...
I haven't made it out of my pj's yet this week.
But I attribute that to it being Spring Break. I need this break as time to do nothing.
Well actually I haven't been doing nothing.
I've been quilting.
I'm making a weighted blanket.
My mom figured out the pattern.
I'm just cutting and sewing.
I think I have all the cutting done.
Just have to finish sewing it together.

"I will praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
for you are who you are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
you hold in your hand
and though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm"

Please Pray.
Not for the mass to be gone.
But for Gods will to be done.
And for me to have peace with it.
Right now, I'm struggling.
I'm uneasy.
I'm scared.
I need "The Peace That Passes All Understanding."
I long for peace.

"I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
you heard my cry to you
and you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
how can I carry on
if I can't find you"

I'm usually pretty open hear.
But lately I've been holding a lot back
I've been feeling pretty alone.
Even in a room full of people.
I don't feel that anyone really understands.
That's hard.
I feel like people look at me differently.
Like since they don't understand what I'm going through they pity me.
I don't want pity.
I don't want people to ask if I'm okay every 10 minutes.
It doesn't help.

"A the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
"I am with you"
as your mercy falls
I praise the God who gives
and takes away"

I'm going to go mop and quilt.
Have a nice day.

(Lyrics "Praise You In This Storm" By Casting Crowns)

I Don't Pray For A's

I don't pray for A's anymore. I don't even pray for B's. I hope for them, I pray to pass. A D is passing. I do shoot a little higher then that. C's, C's make me happy. Not that I wouldn't be happy with an A or B, I just am not that good. But this week, I'm pretty sure I passed every midterm, maybe even a B? Maybe. I'm not sure. I'm hoping. Not on all three, I'd be happy with one. REALLY happy.

My amazing big brother came over today and helped me with my algebra. I'm finally understanding graphs. FINALLY. Well it's not really the graphs I have problems with, it's the y=mx+b and y2-y1=m(x2-x1). It's a bit confusing.

Well, it's late. I'm exhausted. I will try to post tomorrow with what all I've been up to lately. We'll see... *Gabby

Hello Floor

So I worked yesterday. I was there for about a half hour. Then I passed out. Great. Not just blacked out. Full hit the floor passed out. My manager got me some orange juice and a cookie. I drank it and went back to work. Spent the whole day on my feet. Not feeling bad, but not good. Came home, went to bed. Tried to get up this morning and blacked out as soon as I stood up. This happened every time I stood up until about 1pm. Now I am able to stand, just feel quite dizzy.

So with all that, I've had a rough day.

Joy, I just blacked out again on the stairs. What fun, what fun.

I'm annoyed and don't really feel like blogging right now. So I'm gonna end here. Goodnight*Gabby

South...

I, most days, try do do something each day. Aside for work or school. Just something small like going for a walk with Wookie, going to see my sisters. But today. After waking up at noon, I felt awful. I tried to get going. But it just wasn't happening. I found my way to the couch. And here I've been ever since. I got up to do my homework about 2, realizing I didn't write down the page number of the problems I was supposed to do, I shut the book and came back to the couch. I planned on going to class. Then, about 330, the nausea hit. At 350, I tried to get up to go. Ha nice try, I got very dizzy and sat back down. Normally, I wouldn't really worry about missing Algebra, yes I know I completely fail at it, but I'm getting better. But I have my second test next week. I want a grade I will actually tell people I got. Like a C. I would be overly thrilled with a C.

I probably won't be posting much for the next week. I have Midterms... Yuck. Computers on Tuesday, Psychology Wednesday, and Algebra Thursday. So I will be studying... All the time... Ha right.

My energy level has hit rock bottom. It's rather awful. It doesn't help that I hardly sleep. Last night, I believe I went to bed at 4am. Fell asleep about 7am, up at 8 9 10, Then got up at noon. Great night... NOT

Wookie is feeling much better today. He is on prednosone(sp?). Which is awful. He can't control his bladder... Not fun.


Isn't this dress adorable? I ordered it from American Eagle... I'm going to go to bed. And hope to fall asleep before 7am.
*Gabby

Gabbys Words?

I don't know about you, but I think Gabbys words have been a bit dry lately.
I think she has felt a bit distant from everyone.
I think she just needs a break.
Well, I probably think all that because I am her.
Yeah, that makes sense.


I feel like my words have become "just words".
There isn't much meaning to them anymore.
Where do I find word substance?
Where do I find my life again?
How do I get back on track?


I don't want to be me anymore.
At least not the me that is here now.


I've been very lonely lately.
My fault really.
I don't want to talk.
But I don't like the silence either.


Well, I should get to bed...
*Gabby

The House That Built Me.

"The House That Built Me"

I know they say you cant go home again.
I just had to come back one last time.
Ma'am I know you don't know me from Adam.
But these handprints on the front steps are mine.
And up those stairs, in that little back bedroom
is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar.
And I bet you didn't know under that live oak
my favorite dog is buried in the yard.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself
if I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years.
From 'Better Homes and Garden' magazines.
Plans were drawn, concrete poured,
and nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama's dream.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could walk around I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.



I've had a long day.
So has Wookie.
Every time he moves,
He cries.
It breaks my heart. :(
He is sleeping now though.
Under the computer desk.
I hope, for his sake,
he stays that way for awhile.


So I talked to J.
Not by choice.
But I did it.
It went well.
We are at okay status now.
She explained a lot,
I listened a lot.
But I did state what I felt.
In between the sobs.
I think she got the message.
That I'm hypersensitive that is.
Everyone needs to understand that.
It would help me, and them.


God does not care what you do,
or what works you accomplish,
as much as how you treat others,
and how you worship Him.
-My big brother, Nick.

He wrote me an email.
Right after J hurt me.
It helped,
it really did.
That's where I got this quote from.
He is a very wise man.
He is smart too.
But wise, very wise.
He is going to make,
a great husband.
To a very lucky lady.
He just has to find her.


It's getting late.
I should get Wookie to bed.
I should get me to bed.

Well Steph just called me.
So I will be up.
Josh is drunk.
He went to go get more beer.
She doesn't know what to do.
Neither do I.
*Gabby

Fixin' time.

Tomorrow, my poor lil' Wookie will go to the vet, stay there all day, and be fixed. Poor thing :(. As he lay sleeping across the room, I can't help but feel sorry for him. He has no clue what's coming. Surgery sucks, no matter how small.

I will have a few hours in the morning, to do whatever. It's going to be odd. I usually just spend the morning in bed, snugglin' with Wookie. But tomorrow I will have to be up early, then I will have the whole morning, until 12pm to myself. I'm thinking, if I don't come home and crash on the couch. Maybe I will go tan. I haven't been in years. I love it though. When I had tubes I found it silly to go because it would leave funky tan lines. But tomorrow, it sounds like a lovely idea.

Then about 12 Steph will drop the boys off.I will keep them all afternoon. Hey, maybe we'll even go to lunch. That would be nice. I also, at some point, need to do homework. Blah. That doesn't sound fun. But I've been putting it off. So tomorrow I have to do it.... *Gabby