Tuesday, March 16, 2010

What if....

What if is something that's always going through my head... What if things were different? What if I didn't have this mass. But, it doesn't do me any good. It doesn't change the facts, I have a mass. I'm scared.

"I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining"

I've been barely holding it together for about a week now.
After my Computers midterm I was writing the date and realized it was only a little over a week until the biopsy. I had to leave. I was freaking out. It's just gotten worse each day.
I will continue to hold myself together with duck tape for as long as it takes to really be okay.

"As the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
"I am with you"
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
and takes away"

It's Spring Break.
I've only gotten two of my grades back.
I got a B in Psych!
We won't talk about algebra...
I haven't made it out of my pj's yet this week.
But I attribute that to it being Spring Break. I need this break as time to do nothing.
Well actually I haven't been doing nothing.
I've been quilting.
I'm making a weighted blanket.
My mom figured out the pattern.
I'm just cutting and sewing.
I think I have all the cutting done.
Just have to finish sewing it together.

"I will praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
for you are who you are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
you hold in your hand
and though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm"

Please Pray.
Not for the mass to be gone.
But for Gods will to be done.
And for me to have peace with it.
Right now, I'm struggling.
I'm uneasy.
I'm scared.
I need "The Peace That Passes All Understanding."
I long for peace.

"I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
you heard my cry to you
and you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
how can I carry on
if I can't find you"

I'm usually pretty open hear.
But lately I've been holding a lot back
I've been feeling pretty alone.
Even in a room full of people.
I don't feel that anyone really understands.
That's hard.
I feel like people look at me differently.
Like since they don't understand what I'm going through they pity me.
I don't want pity.
I don't want people to ask if I'm okay every 10 minutes.
It doesn't help.

"A the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
"I am with you"
as your mercy falls
I praise the God who gives
and takes away"

I'm going to go mop and quilt.
Have a nice day.

(Lyrics "Praise You In This Storm" By Casting Crowns)

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