Wednesday, March 24, 2010


I am...

I am a big ball of emotions. The flat feeling only lasted a few days. Now I'm back with a bite.
I want to go to bed.
But the nightmares are really bad.
The one person who helps, well she's been really busy.
Life. It stinks.

The one thing I can't stand.
Well it's happening.
I try to change it.
Get my butt bit.

I'm tired of hurting.
So tired

I'm not at an all time low.
Not in the same field.
But in this new field
I may have hit the bottom.
I'm not loving the cold ground.

Will someone please listen to what I'm saying, not just read the words.
Please really hear me.
This stinks.

I want to be okay.
I want to be kissed in the rain.
I want to feel well enough to walk around the block

I'm not okay.
Ha. Yeah right
Maybe one day.

The doc still hasn't called about the biopsy results. Not the liver biopsy, as that didn't happen.
The stomach biopsies they took.

I just want to take the stupid medicine and feel well.
Is that too much to ask.

I'm all alone.
I'm hurting, mentally, physically, spiritually.
So whats stopping me.
Honestly nothing.
But will I?
I don't have the energy.

But really, would it matter.
Right now, I don't feel like it would

I've had a long night.
Details. Not now.
Starting with me going to find my own place tomorrow.
Big change.
But, it's the only way.
For her to be okay I mean.
I don't matter anymore.
Just her.

Just her.

Did you hear that?


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