Lets Pretend.

Lets pretend for a little bit that I don't feel completely violated, that I don't feel like I'm the one at fault. That I'm okay. And while we are pretending that. Why don't we also pretend that I had any Christmas spirit at all. Lets pretend that my family likes me. Lets pretend that yesterday wasn't a complete disaster. We can pretend that I'm doing just fine. I'm not completely torn apart on the inside. We can pretend all the comments don't hurt. Why don't we, while we're at it pretend that I care at all... 
What we don't have to pretend is that everything will be fine. That one of these days all the stuff that's stressing me out will be over. We don't have to pretend that there are people that love me for me. They aren't asking me to be someone else. We don't have to pretend that I have found Jesus and my relationship with Him is so amazing and I would never trade it for the world. 


But, sometimes I get tired of pretending and at that point I don't know what to do. Because it's not me to fall apart in front of anyone else. I don't ask for mental support from anyone. I don't often cry in front of anyone. I mean very, very rare of me. So for me to stop pretending is a big deal. I'm known for my smile. No matter what is going on on the inside, I smile. Because I never want anyone to hurt because of me or for me again. I think I've caused enough of that in my lifetime already.


I know. I know. Not a very Christmassy post. But, it's what's on my heart and you really don't want to hear about the day I had yesterday. I got amazing gifts. But, that has nothing to do with Christmas. I do not support it. I am not Peagan. I'm not going to get into it all right now. But, if you are interested research the true origins of Christmas. It's scary stuff people. Scary stuff. 


Well. :) I hope you all had a good weekend and if I'm not back before the New Year have a happy New Year as well! 

Trying...

 I'm not really in a bloggu mood but I have to give my mother back her computer bright and early so I have nno choice but to blog tonight if I want to be able to at all. So bear with me.
I'm having some friend troubles. I have friends, but not many of those friend who care past the convenient point. I'm not just a convenient type of person. I've always been told to be the friend you want to have. And really I stink at being a friend sometimes. But I always get off my high horse and apologize when I realize how crappy I've been.  This particular friend and I get along smashingly. But when I need her she tends to flake out on my with out a second thought a lot of the time. If I say I will help someone when I get off work at 6pm I will go help them when I get off work at 6pm. Not ignore them until 11pm when I text and say I needed some me time. Not that me time isn't important of course. But word to the wise. If the person you claim to be best friends with is going through a very traumatic time the night before a big event due to the traumaticness is probably not the best time to take me time and not tell them. Just saying. 


I get anal about things being on time. About me being on time. I always want to be on time. Well I think everyone does. I just get frustrated when I'm not. Like bad. Causes panic. And well it just isn't good. So. I have been trying to just let go. To not hold myself so tightly to a schedule that I know will be messed up. However, I have no middle. Either I'm anal about it or I flat out don't care. Which isn't any better. Where do I find a medium? Can I pick one up at the store? 
This song just came on the radio. I've heard it so many times before, but tonight it had new meaning for me. Funny how things do that huh? 



Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just wont let me forget

[Chorus:]
In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I wrestle with my pain, struggle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

[Chorus]

When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause
Cause I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven.- Forgiven By Sanctus Real.


Yep.  After a 30 minute tantrum tonight the kids are asleep and I am so ready for bed I could cry, in fact I might. I'm overstressed, overwhelmed, and overtired. 
Until next time. Gabby


 

Yes I did.

Yes I did stand in line for almost 3 hours to get sheets on black Friday. 

Yes I did forget to take any pictures at all over the holiday. Which included a girls trip :). Nonetheless though, no pictures. 

Yes I did end up drinking more then 1 5 hour energy to keep myself going. Not at the same time. But a few days in a row. I'm still coming back down. 

Yes I did go to one of the best  Church meetings I have ever been to. The power of the Holy Ghost was so strong. It was absolutely amazing. I will never get tired of the feeling when the love of God washes over me and I feel completely at peace.  

Okay, I'm exhausted so I think this will have to be continued another time. I just wanted to let you know I'm still here. :)

Unnecessary Failure.

I was newly 16. Taking my driving test. Did I know how to drive? Yes. I was fine. I was actually a fairly good driver. Still am. But this day I was so nervous. Sitting in the car with the instructor I was about in tears I was so scared. I was shaking. Yeah. It was bad. We made it about halfway through the test when the instructor told me to pull over. Ha, that didn't help the anxiety. She very kindly told me to relax, that she wasn't there to fail me but instead she wanted me to pass. To succeed. That she could see that if I would just relax I would do just fine. But, if I didn't she would have no choice but to fail me. She gave me a second chance. I passed just fine. Ha got a mark for speeding, ha. Had she not slowed me down I would have failed. Just because I was afraid of failing. How much sense does that make? But really how often do we do that to ourselves? We fail for no reason but our own fear. Just something on my mind today. 


I can't believe it's almost Thanksgiving! I'm excited. It's the only time I LOVE leftovers! Yummy Yummy. I'm actually Bringing stuff this year! When you live there it's a bit hard to bring something and be helpful at the same time. I'm doing the Deviled Eggs(which I do every year anyways) I'm doing the Relish Tray... Lots of cooking involved there... And a Strawberry Jello Casserole the my Great Aunt used to make.  It's so yummy. So not a lot of cooking involved but it will still be fun! And then my in town Bestie and I will head to Utah for the night and do black Friday! It will be so much fun! I'm so excited!! And then to Idaho for a Church conference. It's awesome! 


Then right after Christmas we are going to Tuscon Arizona for another Conference. I'm pretty excited over here. It might only be in the 60's and raining BUT that's better than the below 0's. :) 


Well, I've had a kidney stone for 2 weeks. I'm miserable from it. But life doesn't slow down so neither do I! Hopefully it will pass soon because I refuse to be in the hospital. REFUSE! 


Okay. My computer is broke so I'm blogging from my moms netbook that she's letting me borrow.I will try to write again later. The 3 year old keeps me busy though. 


What are you all thankful for? I'm going to write a thankful post here shortly. 
*Gabby

Letting Go.

I think one of the hardest things for me on a daily basis is letting go. Coming to the reality that I can't control everybody and everything. Knowing that I can't do everything. Letting... Well watching people I love make mistakes that I feel I know a better way. Which isn't always the case. Everyone has to learn their own way. Some people can learn thru others, but I think for the most part we have to learn it for ourselves. We have to have those times where we fall flat to realize "hey I'm not perfect I need God to help me thru this." Because quite frankquently(Word of the week ha-ha) people who never have big struggles and never fall, publicly are not fun to be around. We need those to make us humble. I struggle with this. I get in my little zone and only focus on how others seem to have it better than me. When in all reality everyone struggles, you just don't always see it. I tend to be really open about a lot of my life, yet completely shut off in others. I will admit my struggles, for the most part. Yet some things, like anger, pain, and hurt I refuse to deal with. I refuse to let myself be justifiably angry because I know the damage that it can cause when it is out of control. I never want to get to that point. SO I try not to feel it at all. Which I guess for the most part works. I have certain folders you could say that tend to get me riled up. But for the most part I maintain my calm attitude on the outside. 


I've been told this by many. I'm not trying to boast in it. Or build myself up. I'm just processing thru it. I am very hard to read emotionally. I can maintain my straight face. I can keep a smile on even in my darkest times. Is this good? Well I'm told so. I'm told wearing your emotions on your sleeve isn't easy to be around. I guess I'm just used to it? But at the same time, I know I over compensate when I am hurting. I become completely distant from everyone. I keep that smile and the automatic "Fine, how are you?" I don't always like this about myself, and I know one day when I'm married my husband will probably dislike it too. But, I don't want to be the emotional blob either. Where is the middle ground for me? I guess that's what I will start working on. Being more emotionally showing towards people, because it's not that I don't feel things. I would say I'm over emotional on the inside. Maybe that's why I put a wall on the outside? Hmm. Okay. This is deep enough for the public :) 


My stomach is not happy today. Ugh. It happens I guess though. I know why. But it's not easily fixable, just has to be gotten thru. 


So I've spent the last few days deciding whether or not to share this on here. I've decided yes. Many of you... If you still read have been thru a lot of this medical stuff and prayed for me, so I will tell you the news;


I have Hypothalamic Pituitary Dysfunction, also know as Hypopituitarism. It can be dangerous if not controlled. They aren't sure what caused it. I'm going to see a specialist. 
There are many hormones that the Pituitary Gland controls. The one it is for sure affecting for me is Gonadotropin Deficiency. So medically speaking I suffer from Infertility. Medically speaking it will be close to impossible by the looks of my case for me to have be pregnant. BUT, my Jesus does not go by this medically speaking stuff. I know it is in HIS will no matter what happens. 


I'm not gonna lie and say it doesn't still upset me at times to think I can't have children. But, I just give it to God in those times. Because HE is bigger than my pain. HE has it all under control.


A few extra prayers never hurt anything however, if you get the chance. It's an unknown situation. There is another situation on top of that, that really needs prayers. 


Okay. Well I hope you all have an awesome Thursday, tomorrow is Friday!! I'm ready for the weekend. That's for certain!

Where Did My Snow Go?

So, the snow is gone. It was like a glimpse of what could be and then snatched away. That's alright tho. I know it will come back to me :) 


I have been trying to just take life slow lately. Not worry so much about every one else and focus on today. I can't control what happens tomorrow. I can't control anything really. Just my attitude towards it all. SO today I will choose to be positive. I will choose to not let all these little irrelevant things bring me down. I will still choose Jesus. It may be hard to keep a positive outlook. I may fail in my carnality sometimes. But, I can always get back up and start over. Because HE paid the ultimate price for me. 


I'm currently watching Mickey Mouse Club House. It's not as miserable as some of these other kids shows. But seriously. What happened to shows like Little Bear and Winnie the Pooh? 
On a normal day the Tv would be off and we would be doing something. But this week has been a little off for us so instead we take a break and do nothing. Which is totally okay. I will make some yummy cookies here in a few. Do some cleaning. Finish the laundry. Later. Right now. I will just sit and take it all in. Because while all of it needs to be done. None of it is urgent. 


I'm totally hoping to go back to school in the Spring. Well not go anywhere but start again. Just one class. But, it will be totally amazing. I'm so ready to be back at it. To be learning , writing papers and reading text books. I'm ready. :)

Winter.

Well, again I have been terrible about blogging. It's not that I don't want to. Or that I don't have the time.  I have plenty to write about. So what is it exactly keeping me from it? Well I'm not really sure. I guess I'm not always sure how much of anything I want to share here anymore. I would love to share everything. Without a care in the world about it like I used to. But I can't. Mainly because of current situations, but I think I already touched on this subject so lets move on.


So we already have had snow. Ugh. Last week. Which means 10 months of being cold all of the time. But it also means I get to wear scarves and hats and coats and boots. Who doesn't love boots? It means more tea and less pepsi. Well no still just as much pepsi but more hot tea. It means I get to envy those drinking hot cocoa and eat a lot of soup. It means a flu shot in the near future and being more aware of who I'm around. It means ice skating and snow men... When it snows again. It means long walks while the flakes are falling, and waking up to the fresh glitter a few times a week. It means being snowed in to the house and staying in our jammies all day watching movies and reading books. Can you tell I'm slightly fond of winter? 

Settle for a Slow Down

I never seem to be able to think of the "right" words to post lately, so I choose to not post at all. I have so much going on right now in my life. But, most of it I can't share on here. No, I can share is on here. I just won't because then it becomes part of the mess that is controlling my life right now. Some of you know what is going on. Some of you don't. 
Rebekah, call me! Or text. I'm always afraid you will be in class, or getting ready for class, or sleeping!
Know that right now in my life I'm facing something that is extremely hard for me. Once I get the final results. I will post more about it. But until then please just pray. 


I've been bad about always being on the move lately. When I take the time to slow down I seem to be more emotional. So I just go go go go go. Which isn't good for me either. Friday, I had so much to do. Clean, pack, bake pies, go to the bank, all while nannying. My nephew who is 2 had come over for the day to play with my Z-Man(the little guy I nanny) and it was nap time. He wouldn't lay down unless I laid with him. At first I was rather annoyed by this, after all I had work to do. But all at once it hit me as I was holding the sleeping child, that moment was all that mattered. He isn't gonna be little forever. It wasn't more important for me to do all that stuff than for me to hold him. I needed it. He needed it. After our nap we were both much happier. Because those are the moments that really matter. His beautiful sleeping face. Kissing his little forehead. Holding his little hand. That is all that mattered. I got all my stuff done later that day and everything turned back into fast pace soon after the nap. But for those moments time passed slowly. It gave me the chance to soak it all in. It was bittersweet. 


My Z-Man has started looking at me and saying "Abby, I love you when you come back". It just melts my heart. I'm gone most weekends, doing church stuff so by Monday we are both very happy to see each other.


I'm off to the land of Lilliput.... If anyone can name the book I'm reading by that statement I'll give you 500 points!  

Factual

My name is Gabby. The same Gabby I have been since birth. Part of me may have changed. But really, I'm still me. In the last few months I have found something. SOmething that has made me feel like nothing ever has. A peace inside of me that is unchangeable. I've really found Jesus. I feel like I've touched God deeper than I ever did in my old Church. I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. But a lot of people have disowned me for the change. Hmm them or Jesus. I choose Jesus. Sorry. But it still hurts.

I can't imagine where I would be right now had I not become apart of the Apostolic Pentecostal Church. It save my life. People there saved me life. Jesus saved my life. I know that is where I'm supposed to be and I'm tired of being attacked for it. I'm tired of being a victim to everyones gossip. I'm not perfect I make all kinds of mistakes. But hey, so do you. "Don't judge my poo".- Courtney Morgan.

I want to get back into the habit of blogging. But until the issue is over there is so much I can't share. But I need this connection. SO If you are still out there would you please let me know. And maybe offer up some ideas on what I could write about? I can blabber like no other. But I need to know someone is listening. That someone on here still cares. I'm sorry I dodged out for so long. But it is what I needed. I could no longer spread myself out on here and hope to be picked up. I had to be in the real world and let someone pick me up. ANd to my surprise people responded. SO now let me go through some of these people.

Debi has always been around. Well at least through all of this. I know she plans to stick around and I love her for that. For her willingness to go beyond my one word answers and engage me in figuring out my feelings instead of avoiding them. I love her to pieces.

Then there is Teal. OH Teal. We are connected at the heart and the hip. We do everything together. If we have a problem we work it out. I now when she needs me with out her saying a word. I need her. She is more than a friend or a sister to me. It's like I was only half a person and she is the rest. She is the best friend anyone could ever ask for.

Then there is Em. SHe keep me going. We always are laugh about something. We have a lot of sometimes inappropriate fun. But it's sometimes harmless jokes that keep us going.... I love that she understands more of me than most people because she has been there. I don't know what I would do with out her.

Then there is Glenna aka "Mom" Since my mom has bailed out in a lot of aspects of my life. Glenna hass taken over. I have a hard time when it comes to needing mom not calling her. I feel like my mom doesn't understand or care about a lot of thing in my life. And Glenna has become the mom of that part. My problem is she has her own kids. and we all know I'm a lot to handle. I'm a burden. I know it. SO I hold back a lot from her. From everyone. Just because, I don't want them to feel anything different about me. I don't want their perspectives to change. I love being able to talk to her when I can. It changes me whole day no matter what I talk about. She calms me down. We just had that instant bond. I am forever grateful to her.  I love her so very much. I need her. I couldn't do this with out her.

Well, now you have part of my life again. It's going up and up. sometimes it goes over bumps that are hard to make it through. With the help of Jesus and the above mentioned people. I always get over.

I plan to be back soon. But I always say that. SO instead I will just say, Until next time. And please leave me a comment so I know you are still there. :)

Blocked.

I'm in a bit of a writing block. Not that I don't have so much I want to write. Just that I can't seem to get the words out. I will be back blogging regularly soon. Just hold on a bit for me...

Yeah.

I'm scared. 

I know it's in Gods hands, He has it all under control. 

But at the same time, I can't see the future and this unknown scares me. 

I don't want to go to physical therapy today, or the concussion clinic tomorrow. 

I don't want to hear what they have to tell me. 

Yesterday really has me anxious. I couldn't move my mirrors in my car. I couldn't remember my shoes. It's not okay. It scares me. 

 I was doing none stop talking outside church last night and it lasted until 2 am. I couldn't stop. I couldn't filter it. My mouth was just moving. Teal didn't even have to respond, I just kept talking. 

I don;t want her to be gone back to Evanston. I tried to get her to stay. I need her right now. I need to not be alone. I'm scared and I need her. I need you. I need someone to tell me it's gonna be fine, even though it probably won't. I need to know that even if I have brain damage, even if I have to wear a helmet and be the most cautious person ever for the rest of my life to keep my brain alive, that everyone's not gonna jump ship. I need some certainty in all these unknowns. I know that makes no sense.I need to know that If I'm like this for the rest of my life that I'm still gonna be loved. 

 

Just another day.

Hello, I'm still in beautiful CA. We toured the Navy Base yesterday. My Cousin is n the Navy so that made it easy! The ships are huge! This is the fishing dock. It made me smile! Not really sure why, but it did

So I have a story to share. The other day at the pool this old man came just a few minutes before we left. He got in the pool. His body visibly worn with age. He started going back and forth. It took him rough 5 minutes to go one way. But, he still did it. He didn't give up because it was hard. Or because he wasn't as fast as someone younger. He did it. He worked as hard as he could. I think sometimes we give up too easily. We take to heart what other people think of us and go with the flow. While it matters to a certain point what others think of us, all that really matters in the end is what go thinks of us. Are we pleasing Him with our actions or just doing something to please the human race. Or both?

Just something on my mind.

Well, plans here keep changing and we didn't make it to the zoo today. Hopefully tomorrow!

Back Again Already!

                 Back again. Live from my cousins couch in San Diego! As I said earlier I really love it here. I don't think I could ever live in a city like this. But I would definitely love to visit as often as possible. :) We spent yesterday at the pool. I got my first sunburn of the year. I think I mentioned that earlier though.

I think I broke my wrist last week. Well, just fractured it. I didn't go to the ER mainly because I don't like hospitals. I've been icing it like crazy. HAd it wrapped and in a sling for a few days. the swelling has pretty much gone away. SOmetimes at night my hand will still be swollen and as long as I don't put weight on it or use it too much it's fine. So maybe I can just let it heal without a cast. Yeah, please don't knock me out of my pretend world just yet.

We are headed to the zoo tomorrow and I am so excited! It's gonna be awesome! I'll take pictures... Maybe...

Well I don't want to put a bad twist on this post so the rest must be saved for another time!


    

What I've Been Up To!

  
I'm in California! Visiting my cousin. I've never been here before and I'm loving it. The weather is perfect! I'm sunburnt! I love sunburns (Please no comments on sun cancer)
I will try to do a real post later. I just wanted to update and say I'm still kicking! Maybe after all the "stuff" is over in my life I can get back to posting everything regularly. Ah. This too shall pass.

I love the Ocean. Like really really love it. This was my first time to see it, feel it, experience it. It was amazing. It's so big. I'm so small. It really was just awesome. I can't wait to go back! I'm gonna go soak up some more of this perfect weather! More later....

Slight interruption...

Ugh, I promise to post soon. So much going on. I need to get back to blogging though. It really helps! 

I will be back ASAP. ("What does that even mean? Probably Act Swiftly Awesome Pachyderm"(What's that from? Anybody?))

Void

My mom before the show. 

I love my eyes here. Something about them just ah. Loverly. 

I can be a very introverted person. In fact, I usually am. I don't enjoy talking. I know I'm a girl and really it should come naturally and be a hobby, but it doesn't and it's not. I have many conversations in my head. They are good conversations too. The kind you want to have. They touch so much deeper than the everyday how are yous?

All dress for Lady Gaga

I realized I hadn't really talked about going to see Lady Gaga in March. My mother and I went, before we started fight. Like a day before. It was awesome. She really puts on a fun show. And who doesn't love being able to dress up all crazy like? I really had an awesome time!

Okay, I have a thing about being polite. Especially to workers at places I go. Not so much to average joes on the street. But I find more I more that I want to apologize for the actions of complete strangers. Like I'm offended to be known as human because of them. I hate it. There is just so much uncalled for cruelty these days. It really makes me tick!

This weekend I'm going out of town. Oh, wait back up. I'm now living in Utah. Working as a live-in Nanny. Okay, back to present thought. This weekend there is a Church thing in Idaho so me and some girl friends are driving up. I'm so excited. It's gonna be so much fun. I love being on the move. Don't so much like car rides. But, seems inevitable when going anywhere far these days.

Oh, exciting bit of news. I road on public transit a few weeks ago. Only the second time ever, I know I'm spoiled. But really I grew up in a town you could walk across its entirety in an hour. Not much public transit there. The other time I was with my mom after the Lady Gaga concert. Some guy tried to pick me up. It was rather funny. Made a comment about pole dancing. I'm like "Hello ---->>> Mother right there..." Some people are just stupid. ****NO I WOULD NOT HAVE GONE WITH HIM HAD MY MOTHER NOT BEEN THERE. JUST MADE IT EVEN WORSE THAT SHE WAS.****

Well, now that I've posted on many different random things. I will shower and go to bed. Because I'm exhausted and this post is not at all what I had planned. That's alright.

FYI

I just love this picture. It totally captures so much of our personalities.

*****Things have changed. The issue has resolved enough that for now I will stay public. This could change at any time though.*****

Private.

My blog will be going private sometime Monday night or Tuesday. Having some "issues" IRL. If you want to be added to be able to read, please leave your email in the comments. No worries, I won't publish them! Thanks for reading, it will go public again when all this is resolved.

Superficial Relationships.

I have grown accustom to these kinds of relationships. Many of my relationships these days are simple that. Superficial. The ones that aren't seem to be slowly turning into it. I don't want that. SO why am I allowing it to happen? Well, I'm sick of putting my problems on everyone else. Sure they may not mind. But, I do. I hate feeling like I'm bringing others down. It's not good for anyone.

There is always so much I want to let out. But, I'm afraid if I start I won't be able to stop. What will happen then? Well, I don't know. I haven't been there yet.

Let's just say. I want to talk. Oh, I want to spill it all out on here. But I can't. It's stuck. I'm stuck.

Why bother?

Really, why bother? I try. I fail. I try again. I fail again. And the cycle just goes on like that. I'm quite sick of it. Really. I'm sick of being a hobo. Of everyone(okay maybe not everyone) telling me who to be. Of people getting upset with me over things which are out of my control.
 I'm tired.

I could say..

I could say....
It's not fair
It's not right
It's not me.

Or I could simply say it's life. I can't control it. I can't always change it. It's hurts me. I cry, a lot. But, I will put on a smile and carry on. Because, life isn't worth living if there is no happiness, the only one that can make me happy is me. So I will choose today to be a happy hobo. Live my life to the fullest and continue on, learning to dance in the rain. To laugh when I feel like crying. To hold on when I feel like giving up. No one is going to fight through this but me. So I need to step up. Lets do this. And while I'm at it, maybe get on some mood stabilizers. :) Yeah I know. It's a roller coaster.

So, I'm not really sure that any one reads this anymore. So if you do, comment! Let me know something that has made you happy this week!

Dear Daddy.

Every little girl dreams of marrying daddy, right? Me. I dreamed of who I thought my daddy to be. Because you see, I didn't know him. He left when I was 4. I still don't know him. I've seen him twice in the last 15 years. Talked to him maybe 10 times, and none in the last 3 years. But, the streak was broken today. You see, last week while talking with my Grandpa he strongly encouraged me to give my father a call. I smiled and nodded brushing it off. I mean, he has never shown an interest in my life, why bother? But this conversation with my Grandpa stuck in my head. I thought about it, hardly sleeping for days. Then I did it. I asked my Auntie for his number. I called him, Tuesday. I received no answer. How did I feel about this? So I left a message, and waited. No return call came. I talked to Auntie again. She had talked to him. He was excited to hear from me. She thought I should call again. I did. Home. Cell. Still no answer. I didn't bother leaving messages this time. Why would I? Then, a few hours later. My phone rang, it was him! The sound of his voice, is it weird that I was comforted by it? We talked as if no time had passed. We exchanged day to day thoughts. Wow. I'm a bit like him. The conversation only went flat when he put my step-mom on. Uh, hi. Okay. Then he was back and on went the words. I was in heaven. He still calls me Sis. I still love it. It's sometimes odd the things we remember from childhood. I can't remember his face. Other than the few pictures I have of him. But his voice, and being called Sis, that I remember. I didn't want the conversation to end. Ever. But Alas, it was time. I needed to head to dinner with everyone. SO I had to get off. Can someone please explain the overwhelming feeling of joy inside me when he said "I love you Sis, let me know what the Dr says"?!?! Seriously. I suppose it's just the very infrequent mention of him. The close to never hearing of his voice. The missing of him telling me he loves me. It all goes together. And tonight my heart is full.

Still Waiting.

I hate waiting. The best things in life might be worth waiting for, but some of the worst take the longest. I get so frustrated with Doctors. Seriously. I know you probably had the results yesterday so why not calln and tell me what they said, even if you don't know what the plan of action is yet. I need to email my surgeon about what is going on. NOT the one who tried to kill me. The one who helped to save me. I very much don't want to. I very much don't want to say I'm having more problems. That I'm not doing as well as I and he would like. That, this could be life threatening. I don't want to say all that. I would much rather say life is great and I'm still in College, having a grand ole time living life. But I can't that isn't the truth. I hate it. I hate this not knowing stuff. I just want to know.

 

I know this is all in Gods timing. I know I can't rush things. But I'm feeling pretty miserable right now. I can hardly breathe and my chest is hurting horribly. I should have called the Dr today. I know this. But, I didn't have the number handy. Since I didn't want to call in the first place I didn't go looking for the number. You see, I avoid. I'm great at it…

On a different note. I have this friend, whom I'm not sure if I've mentioned on here. T and I are best of friends we have been for years. We are creepy sometimes. We just Know things. Like if I'm upset, she calls. She is absolutely amazing. We have grown really close these last couple months. She has always stuck by me. Through everything the last few years. But she has been especially close these last few months when a lot of the other people in my life have dropped out. I can't thank her enough. Last week, the man who has been a father figure in her life for the last 8 years died of a heart attack. Very unexpectedly. She is doing well considering. But, is still hurting. Missing him. She just needs prayer. Se is being so strong throughout this all and I am so very proud of her!

Yeah, random. I know. Lets just keep on this note though.

Another person who I know has been mentioned more than once is Debi. Oh, where would I be without Debi? Uh, well we just won't go there. She is always there for me. I can't express how grateful I am for her. She keeps me going.

I'm rather stressed. Not easily distracted. Know that either I will get a phone call tomorrow or they will… I'm ready to know. I'm ready to sleep. I'm just ready. Ready ready.

Wait... Are you sure?

Alright, I don't want to post this. But this is where I come for everything. SO here it is.
(I can feel a migraine coming on so this may be cut short.)

I went to a routine check up with my Rheumatologist yesterday. I'm supposed to go once a year, I went once... three years ago. So they get a checking, my pulse was high. BP low. Alright. They get a feeling around. Neck, shoulders. "Hmm, I think you have an enlarged thyroid." Alright now big deal that can be fixed. They get a listening to my lungs and find that I have NO breath sounds in my lower lungs. Hmm. Alright. That mixed with fast heart rate... They order an EKG. They do it. The Dr comes back in. "Well the results from that look.... Alright... So we are gonna do an echocardiogram" Uh, excuse me that makes no sense. Well. You see they thing because of my decreased lung function my heart has had to work a lot hard causing it to become enlarged. Not a good thing. So I have a slew of blood test done. 14 10cc tubes to be exact! (I'm pretty sure that was close to all I had!) And an xray. Then I had the echo. The tech was not very good at not giving away that there was some kind of a problem. SHe'd be talking then suddenly become silent her eyes would go big and she would take a million pictures of the same thing and listen to the rhythm and all that. But she was just a tech and not allowed to say what she was seeing.

Now I sit and play the waiting game. Wait. Wait. Wait.

I hate this.

Life, . .

Really. Life? Is this the way we are always going to get along? I keep my chin up. You learn to kick harder? I'm definitely not a fan of you right now. I want a full nights sleep and a hot shower. You give me a car. I'm sick of you. But, not giving into you just yet. I have options. You will see. One day I wont be this girl anymore. I will succeed. Partially at least. I will find the joy that the Lord has promised. When I do. You better watch out, I won't let you harm me anymore. SO enjoy it while you can....

I want this^^ to be my outlook right now. I really really do. But it's not. My outlook is poor. I'm tired. Exhausted. Falling apart. I have nowhere to go. I was living with my grandma. I was enjoying it, mostly. She was over the moon about it. Then, I finally got convinced to go into the Dr for my lungs. There may have been kicking and screaming on my part. But, nonetheless I went in. Well folks, my lungs and airways are inflamed. great. I'm not allowed to be around anyone with any type of cold or flu. Because the bacteria will plant itself in the susceptible tissue and I will be very sick. At the beginning of Winter my Dr told me to be very careful because the slightest lung infection, with the condition of my lungs, would land me at the very least in the hospital. She gave me all kinds of shots. I did very good. But, now this. Okay what does that have to do with my grandma?She has Bronchitis. Can't go there. Don't have the money to go up to Wyoming, or the time. Leaves me with my connections here. Lets just say last night was not fun. 

To top the cake, I woke around 1130 last night having a pretty severe reaction to the medicine that they gave me to heal my lungs, luckily I was able to run into wal-mart and get some benedryl before my throat shut. So here I am. Stuck in a strange city, no where to stay. ALlergic to the med that will help so I can find somewhere to stay. Oober annoyed. My lungs are killing me. I'm exhausted. Alrighty. Can someone say "calm down Gabby" please? 

I love that it's the people on here that really care! I have gotten so many offers for places to stay. And am really considering them. Thank you all for caring! 

So Life, get ready. I will be back. 

Adventure

I would really like a moment of peace. Maybe use the toilet by myself. Take a shower in the room alone. Sleep more than an hour at a time. I would really like to say I'm overly exaggerating right now. But I'm not. I love my sisters kids to death, but come on people there is only so much one Auntie can handle. I don't have children. I have a dog. My dog does not get up in the middle of the night and cry for hours. Nor does he claim to be hungry at bedtime to get out of sleep and make me sit in the kitchen for an extra hour before going to bed. He is very well trained that way. He loves on me when I want and leaves me alone when I tell him to. That is the joy of a dog.

I do want children, in due time. But today, I want to have my clothes spit up free, and a good night's sleep. Is that too much to ask?

Possibly.

I'm looking for a hobby. Being out of work and school is an odd thing for me since I'm not extremely ill. I'm really not sure what to do with my time. And WAY too much of it is being spent closed up in my sister's house. This is good for no one. I don't know how she lives like this. It makes me absolutely nuts. I need outside attention. At least every other day if not more.

Right now, the plan is to go down to Utah and stay with some close friends until I find a place down there. But, they are busy for the next 2 weeks so I have to wait awhile. I'm looking for jobs right now. Hoping to find something as a nanny. Because that is what I really love to do. I love kids. So we shall see I suppose. I've applied for a couple live-in positions which would be especially nice. That part of this falling apart does not sound so bad. I'm ready for a change of pace. A new town. New people to meet. Maybe date? I don't know. Let's have an adventure! Are you all in it with me?

I know most of you are probably confused at this change recently and maybe one day I will be ready to share. But not right now. If I go too deep on here I will fall apart and I can't do that right now. So let's just take in this change and roll with it for awhile. Because I'm feeling overall refreshed. A new person here. Ready to explore this great life and all it has to offer. Whose with me??

P.S. Caryl I will call you back soon. Was feeding the baby when you called and then my blood sugar dropped and I was sick the rest of the night. Lovely! Or call me, whenever!

Just Me Here.

I've been off for awhile. Blogging here and there, when I can get a few words out. I'm alright right now. Really I am. When everything is stripped away. It's just me and God. I'm learning to lean on him through all this. It's not easy. I fail at it, most of the time. But as I said. I'm still learning. I'm very thankful for all the people who are still supporting me through all this and showing their true colors. When hard times hit, you find out who your friends are. It's going to be a long while before I'm back on my feet. I have to find a job, house, life… It's not going to be easy. At all. But "Faith makes all things possible, not easy"

Caryl, thank you so much. You being there for me is more then I can say for most people.

Screaming

I don't really want to talk about it. 

But will...

I had to drop out of school because of the concussions. 

I had to give up my job. 

My mother hates me for my life choices. 

Those being, following God.

I'm currently homeless. 

Everything in life has fallen apart this last month.

My world is still spinning. 

If you know how to stop it, please do. 

There is so much more. 

But I'm a mess 

I'm stopping here. 

Caryl, I'm here. 

I "get" It, even If I don't remember what "it" is. 

Maybe I will use that number tomorrow. 

I think we both need it. 

Pieces

I'm in pieces right now.

Not even alright enough to write about it. 

Caryl, gotcha. I will. When I have more then a minute to talk.

Or can stay awake that long.

Good time?

You Better Sit Down

I have ANOTHER concussion. Feel on the ice. This one is 10x worse.(Almost exactly 2 weeks apart. about 30 MINUTES off)  I also cracked a rib. But oh my. There is so much to tell. I hope you  guys are still out there. I know I've been very bad at blogging! I'm sorry.

Falling

I wrecked my car Monday night.

I'm really not doing well right now.

Okay, physically.

Not mentally.

Far too long.

It's been far too long since I came here to gather my thoughts. But then again, it's been far too long since I've had thoughts I wanted to share. But tonight. I feel I need to. It's no longer about being comfortable in my skin(like I was before?). It has to be about healing. Healing that sucks. It'll hurt worse before it gets better is a huge understatement.

 

PTSD does not have a cure. Just as I will always have the countless scars on my body, and the uncertainty of new Drs, I will always have PTSD. Though, that doesn't mean PTSD will always have me. At some point it will become a part of me and no longer be me. Though at this time that point seems afar off. There is still hope. I can't see it right now. But I know it has to be there. Because, I believe in the God that can do anything. He holds me close, even in times like now when I can't feel him.

 

I'm (surprise) not very good at talking. I would much rather keep all my oh-so-often morbid thoughts to myself. I'm, by nature, a very pessimistic person. You see the glass as half full, I see the stain it's going to leave when you spill it. Okay, maybe a change in my point of view might help. I try I really do.

 

Okay, so if you are lost I understand. This is an out-of-the-blue post. Seems to be the trend with me of late. I apologize for that. I'm trying I really am. I'm taking a Holocaust History class. To get my mind in a happier place. Morbid. Yeah very. I suppose This is the new me. Can we all please just accept it and move along? No, I didn't think so.

 

My Munchkin

 I was there for his birth. 

 For those first few days of sleepiness. 

 Give him all the kisses I can!

 Soak up the smiles

 Snuggle him often

And help him to fly. 

The newest little addition just turned 3 months Christmas Eve. He is an amazing baby. SO good and calm. Loves to be help, but will sit contently by himself. He has just started giggling, it's pure joy. 

My little Munchkin is so very sweet. I love him to pieces.