2days.

In 2 days.
It will be my Birthday.
I will be 19.
Old right?
I will no longer have state insurance.
I'll still have it through my mom.
80/20
Which is better than me paying 100

But not as good as being 100% covered.
The Mayo doesn't accept state insurance anyway.
I know there are many people out there who have no insurance.
So why am I griping?
I'm not really.
Just throwing it out.
Because my head is pretty full these days.
So.
My best friend will be here for my Birthday.
First time in 10 years.
I'm stoked!
But.
I'm pretty sure
I already mentioned that.

I shampooed my carpet last night.
My room looks so much better.
Except the piles of clothes on my bed.
And bags of clothes in my window.
I should work on that today.
I just hate going through clothes.
I want to keep them all.
Even though I only where maybe half of them.
Still.
I like them.
Just not on me.

I also hate to get rid of them because my weight changes all the time.
If I just keep the ones that fit
I will have to buy more next week.
I don't want to do that.

Humph.
I'm off to be productive.
And take a nap.

Not me.

I'm a little late with this post.
Yesterday was not great.
So I will post my Not me's today.

It was not me who found my puppy in the living room chewing on my very expensive bra.
My dog is very well trained and would never do anything of the sort.
It also was not me who argued with a co-worker for a good 5 minutes about whether or not they were going to make the food I needed.
I did not win.
Eventually.
It was not me who informed the manager that someone was giving out dead fries.
They did not get in trouble.
I did not feel a sense of satisfaction.
It was not me, and a few of my Co-workers that laughed hysterically after a little boy ran through lobby screaming "I have to poop!" and holding his bottom.
We are much more professional than that.
It is not me who is so excited I can't stand it that Rebekah will be here in 3 days.
Nope.
Not me.

Monday.

It's Monday.
If that doesn't say enough.
I worked.
For the first few hours with a bunch of U-16's
I don't like being a babysitter.
They don't know how to do their jobs.
Except Georgie.
I do love Georgie.
She came with me to get my tattoo.
Oh, I got a tattoo.
Last month.
It was interesting.
I love it though.
:>)


I will put a picture up.
Sometime.

I'm over it.
Not the tattoo.
But this mess.
Of life.
Grr.

Oh the plus side.
The very plus side.
Rebekah will be here Friday.
Oh goodness.
I'm so very excited.
Just as excited as I was in December
When she came to Utah
For Christmas.
And then came here for a few days.
Silly me.
Only got one picture of her.
But this time.
Be prepared.
There will be many.
:>)

Humph...

I had a nice talk.
Not a long talk.
But a nice talk.
With J
It was overdue.
It was helpful.
I need to keep in the habit of talking to her.
I always feel better after I do.
She helped.
She said things I already knew.
But, in a different way?
I guess.

Some nights.
Like tonight.
I'm stressed.
I'm grumpy.
I'm 'over it'.
I belong to God.
Not to anyone else.
I don't like someone keeping 'tabs' on me.

I feel smothered.
Tired.
Like a pack mule.
I want to be understood.
Without talking.

Tonight.
My Church had service in the mountains.
It's fun.
Despite the bugs.
Dirt.
Nature.
I went.
In a normal Church service.
I do okay.
Not too much fellowship.
A lot of sitting and listening.
Well that wasn't the case tonight.
It took every fiber of my being.
Not to lose it.

I don't get along with people.
Really.
It takes a lot of work for me to smile at anyone.
I sit and think, "would you just go away?"
Rude.
Selfish.
But true.

I used to do well in big groups.
Not anymore.
Being in a room.
Or house.
With my mom.
Maybe a visitor.
For months.
It didn't do good for me.

Which brings me to camp.
I wanted to go.
I should have gone.
But.
Me.
On a bus.
With a bunch of teenagers.
For 10+ hours.
Then.
At a camp.
With 500+ teenagers.
For 5 days.
Waking up early.
Going to bed late.
Going to bed at all.
Me waking everybody up with my screaming.
Because, that still happens.
Then.
Being stuck in the cabin for the rest of the night.
Nights without sleep.
A room full of people eating.
Being away from Wookie.
Lots of walking.
Uphill.
Having to admit that I am not strong enough to go on the hike.
More walking.
10+ more hours on a bus.
Finally home.
Emotionally exhausted.

I would not have been able to handle that.
I know it.
So I didn't go.
By choice.
But.
It still hurts.
I hate how much this affects my everyday life.
How much I miss out on.
How much it still hurts.
I hate that I'm afraid to go places.
Especially overnight.
I hate the nightmares.
Oh, how much I hate them.

Who?

I feel crappy.
Like everybody wants me to be someone, something different then I am.
Like I'm not good enough.
When did I stop being good enough?

I don't know what to do.
I try not to care.
I say I don't care.
But honestly.
I care.
I care.
I really do care.
I want to be everything for everyone.

Humph.
I'm tired.
I'm sunburned.
I'm annoyed.
I'm over it.
But not in the sense that I no longer care.
But, that I don't like it.
I don't want to deal with it.
GRR.

Giving Some...?

Okay.
This is getting ridiculous.
He wants me to sacrifice things for him.
The only thing keeping me from him is my health issues.
How do I give up that?
It's not a choice.
It's not a hobby.
It's just what is.
The sky is blue.
The grass is, usually, green.
I don't ask him to change that.
I don't ask him to change anything, actually.
Humph.

Relationships.
Well, they're complicated.
They're confusing.
They're emotional.

There are many things he wants me to change.
Am I not good enough?
Can he not learn to love me for who I am now?
Why do I have to change?

Granted.
I'm not perfect.
I'm not even close.
I am willing to change the things I can for him.
I wish I could change the things I can't.
But him asking me to.
It doesn't feel okay.
Him saying I should be willing to go out even when I feel like crap.
It's not okay.
I always feel bad.
When it gets to the point that I stay home.
It's really bad.
I don't like feeling guilty,
for something I can't control.

I like him.
A lot.
Really.
I do.
But.
Is it worth this?
Is he worth this?

He says he wants my complete trust.
Today.
I say,
I've not known you a month yet.
Give it time.
Give me time.
He doesn't understand that.
He thinks I should be able to depend on him for everything.
Leaving my life behind.
Well, babe.
You aren't God.
You will make mistakes.
I will be hurt.


Do I risk it?

Boys....

Seriously.
I don't play games.

Carter

Okay, so these pictures really have nothing to do with my trip.
I just love this little boy SO much.
These are older pictures of him.
He is so big now.
Makes me sad.
Though, him finally starting to call me Auntie.
That makes me very happy.
I don't have any recent pictures of his baby brother.
Who is now a toddler.
And there will soon be a new baby brother.
I guess I should take them and get some photos.
They are SO cute after all.


Humph.
I need to go to the store.
I've gotten nothing done today.
Except my psychology appointment.
Which was hard.
So I guess that is something more then nothing.
Maybe later I will write on it.
For now.
I will ponder it.

Adventuring.

Okay, does this gas station not look like it's stuck in the 80's?

There was a lot of this on the drive.....

I loved that this was the only cloud in the sky, slightly peeking over the mountain.
I am not a city girl, I do love the city, but my heart is here, in the fields and mountains.
I love how peaceful it all is. For part of the drive we'd pass a car maybe every 15+ minutes.
It really was wonderful.
I have many more pictures.
But I don't want to overload you. So I will do a few a post for the next few posts.
I found I love taking pictures.
Really love it.
I want one of those fancy smancy cameras.
But, knowing me, I'd break it.
There were many things I wanted pictures of.
But didn't want the awkward "why are you taking a picture?" conversation.
My camera is not the best, but not awful.
Much better than my phone, anyway.
So, like it or not, I will be taking pictures and sharing them like crazy.

I have a scope next Thursday, July 1st.
The 2nd is the day we celebrate my birth, annually.
Also known as my Birthday.
But this year, or the last 18, have not actually been my 'birthday'.
I was only 'born' once....
Physically anyway.

Oh goodness!
I have many picture of 'horny toads'!
Big ones, little ones.
Oh, do I love them.
I love that the twins go out, daily, in the summer and catch them.

I don't know about you. But, I'm feeling different.
Summer. Vacation. Single. Again.
That may be it.
Last week, it was snowing.
I was in a relationship.
This week.
It's pushing 80.
I'm single.
Again.
And very okay with it.
Maybe too much?

I got to get away for a few days.
Sorta.
Out of Evanston at least.
That counts as vacation for me.
I will be doing it again.
Soon.
I'm in College.
Single.
Nothing to tie me down.
Why stay put?
I will be adventuring as much as my body will physically let me.
With the way I can push on, that's a lot.
Not more days of just sitting around the house.
I'm alive once again.
I'm ready to attack the world.
Or at least the town.

There is a wonderful lake.
About 45 minutes away.
It has a nice little beach.
It's calling my name.
Can you hear it?
Maybe an overnight trip?
With some good girl friends?
Oh that sounds wonderful.
I will get right on that.


There are mountains, all around me?
Maybe a drive?
A lovely hike?
( I just reread that to find I had put hick instead of hike. Yeah, that's Evanston.)

Life is short.
Lets make it fun.
Real fun.
Sober fun.
Honest fun.

Well.
I'm gonna get off this computer.
GO play with my boys.
Maybe soccer?
Water balloon fight?
A nice walk?
All sound fun.

Fathers Day

This will not be a happy post. Not because I don't have plenty of this to be happy about. Just because this is my blog, I'm gonna post whats on my heart.

I don't like Fathers day. Main reason: my father is a flake. I have not seen him in over 5 years. 5 or so years ago, I saw him twice. Before that it was 9 years. I would not even recognize him if he came in to McDonalds. I would bet on it.

Not many people get it. It hurts. It hurts everyday. Many things remind me that I do not have a Father. I had a step-dad for 5 years. Well, just over that. He was worse then my real dad.... Which is real bad, if you didn't catch that.

I get it, everyone has gone through hard times. Does it make it any easier to know that? No. No it doesn't. Actually it almost makes it worse. To know that others feel pain too... It just about kills me.

I'm over asking why.... I don't really want to know why. Because, it doesn't matter why. What matter is 'is'. What is: my father isn't around. Never has been. Probably never will be. IT SUCKS!!!!

My father has never done the things a father should do: teach me how to throw a ball, ride a bike, scare the pants off my boyfriends. And that will continue. He will never walk me down the aisle. Be called in the middle of the night being ushered to come help welcome his grandchild.
My children will probably never know him. Would I want them to? Would I want to make them vulnerable for this hurt from him. For them to feel grandpa doesn't think they are important enough to be there for them. All of that? It kills me.

It kills me to know that I was never good enough to make him stay.
To know that something about me, made him want to be gone. To stay gone.

Don't pull the whole "it usually has nothing to do with the child, but more so the parents." I have heard that. And rationally I know it's true. But this is what I'm feeling tonight. Not what is rational.

Okay, I'm done being a downer. I won't explain the rest of my day, like the many tears, break ups, arguments. But know. It was bad.

I'm headed out of town tomorrow. won't be home till wed/thurs. But should have service to update. We'll see... If not. I will as soon as I get back. If I had any idea where my camera was, I would take pictures. But I don't. Sorry.

These Stupid Walls...

I am so sick of this stupid house. I can't stand it. My friends are always busy. SO here I sit. I hate it. I really hate it.

Stupid ER....

Well, I spent my day in the ER, at least most of it anyway. From about 4-9pm. I went to work around 3pm, feeling yucky. Told the manager on floor I didn't feel good and would like to go home, she refused. I continued to work. About 330 I told her I was feeling worse and wanted to go home, she again refused. I continued to work. Everything seemed harder then usual. Hearing, speaking, standing. The room started moving. I started calling for Maggie(the other manager whom I LOVE but wasn't on floor.), then I hit the floor. I hate the feeling of passing out. The unable to do anything about it, the losing control of my limbs, the going blank. Then Maggie was right in front of me, helping me off the floor, telling the other manager to get someone else in my position. That's where it began. SHe called my mom, I obviously couldn't drive. I was white as a ghost, clammy, and disoriented. Mom came and got me. We debated on going to the ER, then decided to.

**** Guys, you may not want to continue reading as I'm going to talk about woman stuff****

Okay. I have problems with my ovaries, have for years. Cysts bursting, bad cramping, the whole works. So a few years ago, after the surgeon removed some cysts, he referred me to an ob/gyn. Who put me on the pill. It has helped tremendously, until the last 8 months, so in January my DR switched which pill I was on. First month, great. Second month, not so much. My DR wanted to try it for a few more months to see if things would regulate, they haven't. So all of that to say this: I had a normal period in May. Then 4 days later started again. Heavier then I've ever been. Well that was 23 days ago, I'm still on, heavy. So I figured that may have something to do with it. Thought blood tests would be a good idea. So to the ER we went. It really wasn't that bad. The DR I had, we didn't used to like, she once to my mom to shut up, but she has greatly improved her bedside manner. Oh, on the way to the ER my arm started going numb. Like when there isn't blood flow. Then it started aching. So because it was my left arm. The ran a bunch of heart tests. Luckily, because I fainted, I was place immediately in a room, they didn't want the risk of it happening again in the waiting area. But it was super busy. So after a good 5+ hours I am home, with no answers for anything. Which really stinks. But is good. I'm glad that it wasn't/isn't anything major, but still want answers.... You know?

A Bit Random.

So tonight, I'm tired of all the things in my life. Looking for a break. Glad I have next week off ... Need somewhere to go. So, you get this random post. I'm gonna start with things I love.

I love...
Vanilla ice cream.
Rain. Especially the smell.
Wookie. Even when he's a brat.
Sushi.
Warm clothes out of the dryer.
Sweet tea
Cheese Pizza.

Things that bug me....
When people say "This is way past a joke" when it wasn't a joke to begin with.
Being lied to.
Having the same question asked over and over.
Meatloaf.
Meatpies.
Bugs, all of them.
Children that don't listen.
Fighting.
Waiting, for anything.

Now, these are just a few of the things that love or bug. Why? Well, it's 1230am. I'm not sleeping. Why not?


I had a fight with my sister. Kinda. I didn't fight much, just told her to stop. I'm not gonna go into details, tonight. Things aren't great. I miss my nephews. A lot. She is pregnant, everyone keeps telling me to cut her some slack because of that. No, I don't think so. She wasn't being emotional, she was being flat out cruel to undeserving children, I stopped it. Nothing physical. But that doesn't make it okay. Then she started on me. Yeah, at that point, I lost it. Not on her. just broke down. Yeah, this is me not getting in to it? Okay, moving on.


I need somewhere to go, for a few days. To get away from this all. Or, well or nothing. I just need it. But, have nowhere to go. Sad. I'm so over due for a vacation. The only away time I've had for the last 2 years has been hospital.... I don't think that counts. :( I need to find a snack, and go to bed. Not that either will happen, just what I need.

Stressed?

To say that I am stressed today is like saying that there was a little bit of oil spilled into the ocean.... Understatement! There is oil gushing into the ocean and I am maxed out.

This whole Mayo Clinic thing is great, BUT, getting all the papers from multiple Doctors is stressful. I had to call this morning and see which Mayo they had me at because my mom so unkindly pointed out it will probably be at least $1000 more to go to the Minnesota one then the Arizona. Me, I don't care about the money, I just want to feel better. So I called the forwarded me to the Arizona Clinic. So now I'm waiting for them to call. Hopefully today or tomorrow. And get all set up with them. Which really isn't that big of a deal, just more time on the phone, which I hate.

My regular Doctors office called yesterday and the office lady who said it would be $18 for the first 20pgs and 25c a pg after, talked to my Dr who had some other things she wanted to add and said I didn't need to be charged. Oh I do LOVE my Drs. All of them. I just need more I guess... Or different, ones that specialize in what I'm going through. Am I trying to convince you or me?

I got a letter from my lawyer yesterday that had to have notarize and returned. So after trying the places my mom told me to go to get it notarize(they couldn't) I went to the downtown bank. Took it to the lawyer, made an appointment for Monday morning, and that's where we are with that.

Boyfriend is driving me bananas. Seriously, I like him, A LOT. But I've not even known him 2 weeks yet. He wants to talk all the time, be together every second he isn't at work. I feel like he is trying to take over my life. I need time for Gabby too. I like to be with him, just not every second. I hate getting a text as soon as I walk out of work wondering when I'm going to do what with who. HATE it. My job requires me to make others happy, the whole time. When I get off I'm over it, I want to go home shower and crawl into bed. The time I don't spend at work, I'm babysitting, or at Church. And every once in awhile I do something with a friend. I have other friends than just him. What about them? I can't and won't give everything up for a boy. No.

I'm tired.
I'm emotional.
I'm frustrated.
I'm hurting.
I'm rational.

Rational? Yes. It doesn't fit. But is so true. I WANT to just fall for this guy. Not worry about the rest of my life. But I can't I have to be aware of what I do. I have to care about others on the way. I have to protect me. He has to understand. I can't handle him acting like this much more. Which is sad as I really like him.....

Moving Forward...

Well maybe 20 mins after I posted earlier, the phone rang, sure enough it was the Mayo Clinic. I don't have an appointment, but will most likely be accepted. First I have to fax some records. Recent summaries from my Dr visits... Well, it's a start. I'm stressing pretty bad about the whole situation. I getting records. Sorting through records, Faxing records. It all sounds like a mess. My only day off this week is Thursday... I don't want to wait to start this all till then. So that means I will have to be up earlier then usual. Probably like 9am tomorrow. That doesn't sound fun.... Well I could continue to write, I have much to say, but should head to bed. I will post as this all progresses. Thanks for the support!

Mayo?

Well, I did it.
I put in a request for an appointment at the Mayo Clinic.
I should be hearing something by tomorrow night.
I'm not a patient person.
This is killing me, actually.
That's part of the reason I've not done it until now.
Waiting is not my thing.
At all.
But here I am, waiting.

Anyone have any feed back?
Anyone ever been to the Mayo?
I requested the one in Rochester, MN.
I know one good blog friend that will be happy if I get in at that one.
I know she will be there.
Anyone else live in or near that area?
The other options are Florida and Arizona.
So I may get sent to the Arizona one....
You never know.
And that's only if I get in.
I may not.
But...
I may.
I can't even imagine what it's like to go a day without nausea.
Hey, I'd be happy with a meal without nausea.
Medicine that doesn't make me sick, when I take it.
But this is just me dreaming.
I don't know if I'll get in.
Is this what it's like when applying to College?
(I only applied to one. And knew in like a day that I was in)
I don't like it one bit.


I would love any feed back or tips.
And of course, I will be on again when I find out.
Hopefully today?
Maybe tomorrow.
Please let it be today.
Anyone who has a minute to offer a prayer, I would appreciate it.
Specifics: I get in. Patience to get through the wait. *The finances to get there if I do get in.

*I have a car, it runs just fine, in town, with the occasional trip to the next town. But don't feel it would make it the 1152miles to Rochester. My moms car broke down... In December. She still doesn't have one.*

So that's the medical lowdown... Hoping and Wishing and Praying and Dreaming.

Had It.

I'm done.
I'm exhausted.
I'm stressed out of my mind.
I'm head over heels.
I'm annoyed.
I'm worried.
I'm safe.
I'm not in the mood.
I'm moving too fast.
I'm moving too slow.
I'm overly dramatic.
I'm being too laid back.
I'm right.
I'm wrong.
I'm free.
I'm imprisoned.
I'VE HAD IT!

People need to quit telling me who I am and what I want. I can feel, I can think. I know what I want. I know what I need. Right now I want the people I'm pushing away to BACK OFF, and the people I'm pulling closer to listen.(Thank you BTW)

What Can I Say?

I really don't know what to say, so I haven't really said anything. No. Wait. I've said a lot. Just not here. Not because I don't want to blog. Oh, boy do I. Speaking of boy. Well, I do feel he is amazing. Yes, there is a boy. The boy I talked about in the last post. Well we clicked. REALLY clicked. We've been out very late every night but Monday, just talking. Really, just talking. I enjoy him. He enjoys me. What more does one need? Not much. But, there is more. I feel comfortable with him. Really comfortable. I haven't told him everything yet. Not because I'm hiding it. No. I just haven't felt the time to be right. Not to mention, I really like this guy. I don't want to scare him off.

Tonight, I panicked a bit. We were supposed to watch Alice in Wonderland. At my house as my family is elsewhere for the night. We went to dinner, came back and the breaker kept tripping. All but the living room and basement had power. Hmm. I'm not chill with being in my house alone in the dark with him. I was feel awful nauseous and whatnot. I didn't want him to sit here with me like that. SO I sent him away. As nicely as my falling apartness could. I could tell he thought he did something wrong, really he didn't, but I needed him gone. It wasn't something to be talked about. I needed to lay down, and not have someone asking if I was okay. It stinks when what you want is not what you need. Doesn't it. I would love it for him to still be here. But No. he is at his home, sleeping. I'm at my home, not sleeping. though I need to be up in 7 hours, so I should go try... Night

Sometimes, it's okay.

Sometimes, I don't know how to feel.

This can be bad, but, sometimes, it's okay.
When I don't know how to feel.
I feel nothing.
Sometimes, this helps.
Others it hinders.

I went on a walk with Andrew this morning. It was wonderful. I really enjoy talking to him. More then I enjoy talking to most people. Now, our conversation was not deep. But it was still good. We talked about ourselves, our family, our lives. We talked about animals. We talked about our fear of bugs. It was a good talk. All while walking the trail at the state park. It was good for me, good for my soul.

Then I came home for a little while. Not feeling great. physically. I had a rough night. Nausea. Pain. Dry heaving, last night. I just sat around for a little while. The went to the twins soccer game. It was at 12pm I had to work at 1pm. SO I went to that. Left, feeling awful about1240 ended up calling work the said I could come in at 5 instead. I went to bed and got up at 445pm and went to work. Worked till 9 came home. Ate, got nauseous. Laid on the couch for awhile. Went to my sisters to take care of her cat as she's campin'. Leaving her house, I heard singing. It was really close. I looked around and across the ally was a huge bush. I thought it was rather particular that this bush had feet. Thus bush is what was singing too. I ran to my car and locked the doors. But it made me laugh. Some people....

Does anybody hear her

Does anybody hear her
Can anybody see
Does anybody even know she's going down today

I'm okay.
As in the sense of the word
Oh-Kay
I'm OH gosh this is hard
I'm KAY? Are you sure about this

There is all of the sudden a guy in this picture. Not just any guy. Maybe, the guy?... I haven't even met him, what am I saying. But, he is a real guy. Not that any of my guys have be fake. In the sense of the word. They all existed physically. Some not anymore. 8( But they were all, really who they were pretending to be. This guy, well he doesn't seem that way.

He is in Bible College. Studying to be a Pastor. He want to travel with that special person and plant Churches. He wears crazy clothes and big sunglasses. He has diabetes. His favorite soda is diet coke. He wants kids, just not now... It's just good.

I'm scared. This is real. I'm real, he is real. It's all real.

*subject change*

I want to crawl inside myself and hide for awhile. But I know if I do I won't come back out. Which, wouldn't be good. I'm so confused about everything. I know the comment are all in kindness about how I just need to move on, I get that. I know I do. And not in the sense that I am being dramatic and just need to let it go. But more in the sense that it controls my life and I need to take it back. But you see, It's not that easy. Not at all. Not really because I don't want it. But because, I can say all I want to my mind. Rationalize everything. But my body still remembers. My body can't just be talked into something by rationalism.

Sad Is Okay

It's okay to be sad right? With glimpses of happiness? I know it SHOULD be the other way. But, that's just not how it is right now. On top of that, SHOULD is a bad word. Don't SHOULD yourself right. Deal with what is, not what SHOULD be. Right?

If I don't make much sense in this post, that's okay. I just need all of this out of my head. Ready to listen?

I'm conflicted I guess you could say. My sister, S, is married, with two kids, 3 and 1, and 5 months pregnant with the third, all boys. That's not what's bothering me, I love kiddos. Her husband, J, appears to be a real nice guy, but is a alcoholic. It's slowly getting worse, at first he would just drink and that would be that. Now he is starting to get abusive. He dropped their three year old. Mind you J is over 6ft. Okay, I hate it. I hate him for acting that way. I hate the whole situation. My sister is always coming to me when things happen, which is perfectly fine. I love her and will always be here for her. BUT, the problem is, she smokes, I have nothing against smokers. I have a problem with pregnant smokers. I can't sit here and tell her that his drinking and putting the family in danger is any different then her smoking and putting the baby in danger. Do you understand what the problem is? I just don't know what to do. Yes, for her and the boys safety, she needs to get out of there. But what about the baby? He can't just get out of there. AH.

I don't know how to feel anymore. I'm so tired ALL the time that I'm constantly messing up. It's hard. Everything is wrong. Not that it SHOULD be any certain way. Just the way it is is wrong. I can't fix it. Letting go, well I'm trying. It's not that easy though. I can't just say "Okay, I don't care any more." There is all kinds of baggage inside of me. Stuff you wouldn't guess. Stuff that I never tell anyone. Why? Because, I don't like to burden people. You have no idea how hard it is to talk about the little I do.

Well, Wookie is ready for bed. I'm ready for some snuggle time. Oh, BTW I did something exciting Sunday, pictures to come soon!!! Get ready!

Word.

I'd like to say "I haven't been blogging because life is just so great and I haven't had time". But that would be a lie. I'm spiraling downward. At a fast pace. It has nothing to do with depression or medication. I promise. Something happened. I'm not okay. I'm worse then not okay. I'm awful. I've hardly slept since *it* happened. I'm afraid, every time I close my eyes I see his face. It's not okay. I figure you probably want the story right? Okay, well last Thursday I was at lunch with my mom. Things were actually going well, no fighting. All of the sudden her jaw drops. I turn to see what shes looking at, there *he* is, camo scrubs and all. I lost it. Ran out of the restaurant Cried and cried. It was just plain awful. If you're still wondering who the *he* is. It's the Dr that started this all. Not okay.