Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Sad Is Okay

It's okay to be sad right? With glimpses of happiness? I know it SHOULD be the other way. But, that's just not how it is right now. On top of that, SHOULD is a bad word. Don't SHOULD yourself right. Deal with what is, not what SHOULD be. Right?

If I don't make much sense in this post, that's okay. I just need all of this out of my head. Ready to listen?

I'm conflicted I guess you could say. My sister, S, is married, with two kids, 3 and 1, and 5 months pregnant with the third, all boys. That's not what's bothering me, I love kiddos. Her husband, J, appears to be a real nice guy, but is a alcoholic. It's slowly getting worse, at first he would just drink and that would be that. Now he is starting to get abusive. He dropped their three year old. Mind you J is over 6ft. Okay, I hate it. I hate him for acting that way. I hate the whole situation. My sister is always coming to me when things happen, which is perfectly fine. I love her and will always be here for her. BUT, the problem is, she smokes, I have nothing against smokers. I have a problem with pregnant smokers. I can't sit here and tell her that his drinking and putting the family in danger is any different then her smoking and putting the baby in danger. Do you understand what the problem is? I just don't know what to do. Yes, for her and the boys safety, she needs to get out of there. But what about the baby? He can't just get out of there. AH.

I don't know how to feel anymore. I'm so tired ALL the time that I'm constantly messing up. It's hard. Everything is wrong. Not that it SHOULD be any certain way. Just the way it is is wrong. I can't fix it. Letting go, well I'm trying. It's not that easy though. I can't just say "Okay, I don't care any more." There is all kinds of baggage inside of me. Stuff you wouldn't guess. Stuff that I never tell anyone. Why? Because, I don't like to burden people. You have no idea how hard it is to talk about the little I do.

Well, Wookie is ready for bed. I'm ready for some snuggle time. Oh, BTW I did something exciting Sunday, pictures to come soon!!! Get ready!

1 comment:

Nicole said...

If your sister had big babies in the past, then the smoking is not s big deal. smoking while pregnant only causing decreased birth weight. hopefully she is limiting how many a day she smokes, but even then, as long as ultrasounds, etc arent showing the baby is lacking in size, its not a huge deal. everyone is allowed comfort. smoking is not drinking and being abusive...
all you can do is listen. when she comes to you. I cant really speak to the alcoholism. its too close. my father, my husband etc...both suffer from the disease. the former still drinks, the latter is dry but still suffers from the side effects. you cant stop drinking and not deal with the issues that brought you there in the first place.
and I think "getting past" something is different than "getting over". the trauma you have suffered can never be erased, or gotten over. but when you get past something, you move on. you allow the event to have its final effect on you, then move on to the next thing. you deserve happiness Gabby...