This will not be a happy post. Not because I don't have plenty of this to be happy about. Just because this is my blog, I'm gonna post whats on my heart.
I don't like Fathers day. Main reason: my father is a flake. I have not seen him in over 5 years. 5 or so years ago, I saw him twice. Before that it was 9 years. I would not even recognize him if he came in to McDonalds. I would bet on it.
Not many people get it. It hurts. It hurts everyday. Many things remind me that I do not have a Father. I had a step-dad for 5 years. Well, just over that. He was worse then my real dad.... Which is real bad, if you didn't catch that.
I get it, everyone has gone through hard times. Does it make it any easier to know that? No. No it doesn't. Actually it almost makes it worse. To know that others feel pain too... It just about kills me.
I'm over asking why.... I don't really want to know why. Because, it doesn't matter why. What matter is 'is'. What is: my father isn't around. Never has been. Probably never will be. IT SUCKS!!!!
My father has never done the things a father should do: teach me how to throw a ball, ride a bike, scare the pants off my boyfriends. And that will continue. He will never walk me down the aisle. Be called in the middle of the night being ushered to come help welcome his grandchild.
My children will probably never know him. Would I want them to? Would I want to make them vulnerable for this hurt from him. For them to feel grandpa doesn't think they are important enough to be there for them. All of that? It kills me.
It kills me to know that I was never good enough to make him stay.
To know that something about me, made him want to be gone. To stay gone.
Don't pull the whole "it usually has nothing to do with the child, but more so the parents." I have heard that. And rationally I know it's true. But this is what I'm feeling tonight. Not what is rational.
Okay, I'm done being a downer. I won't explain the rest of my day, like the many tears, break ups, arguments. But know. It was bad.
I'm headed out of town tomorrow. won't be home till wed/thurs. But should have service to update. We'll see... If not. I will as soon as I get back. If I had any idea where my camera was, I would take pictures. But I don't. Sorry.