Monday, June 28, 2010


I had a nice talk.
Not a long talk.
But a nice talk.
With J
It was overdue.
It was helpful.
I need to keep in the habit of talking to her.
I always feel better after I do.
She helped.
She said things I already knew.
But, in a different way?
I guess.

Some nights.
Like tonight.
I'm stressed.
I'm grumpy.
I'm 'over it'.
I belong to God.
Not to anyone else.
I don't like someone keeping 'tabs' on me.

I feel smothered.
Like a pack mule.
I want to be understood.
Without talking.

My Church had service in the mountains.
It's fun.
Despite the bugs.
I went.
In a normal Church service.
I do okay.
Not too much fellowship.
A lot of sitting and listening.
Well that wasn't the case tonight.
It took every fiber of my being.
Not to lose it.

I don't get along with people.
It takes a lot of work for me to smile at anyone.
I sit and think, "would you just go away?"
But true.

I used to do well in big groups.
Not anymore.
Being in a room.
Or house.
With my mom.
Maybe a visitor.
For months.
It didn't do good for me.

Which brings me to camp.
I wanted to go.
I should have gone.
On a bus.
With a bunch of teenagers.
For 10+ hours.
At a camp.
With 500+ teenagers.
For 5 days.
Waking up early.
Going to bed late.
Going to bed at all.
Me waking everybody up with my screaming.
Because, that still happens.
Being stuck in the cabin for the rest of the night.
Nights without sleep.
A room full of people eating.
Being away from Wookie.
Lots of walking.
Having to admit that I am not strong enough to go on the hike.
More walking.
10+ more hours on a bus.
Finally home.
Emotionally exhausted.

I would not have been able to handle that.
I know it.
So I didn't go.
By choice.
It still hurts.
I hate how much this affects my everyday life.
How much I miss out on.
How much it still hurts.
I hate that I'm afraid to go places.
Especially overnight.
I hate the nightmares.
Oh, how much I hate them.

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