I hate drama.
I hate lies
I hate deceitful people
All people lie. It's a sin, it's wrong. But it happens every day. Some people are just plain deceitful though. That drives me bananas. Some of you may know where this is coming from. As some big things have happened to this nature in the past. I'm not talking about that. That has been reconciled with me. I'm talking about the new stuff someone different is pulling that is just wrong. A scam. A deceitful ploy to become known.
Humph…
Things are rough. I ran from the blog. While yes, writing here helps. Quite a lot. I just couldn't find the words to say. Especially at Christmas time. I want to do happy post about the meaning of the season. Posts about the mounds of goodies we'll have here soon. But I can't. I don't have it in me right now.
My PTSD has been awful lately. The PET is hard. It brings up a lot of memories and emotions from the trauma that I just don't want to deal with right now. I don't have much Christmas spirit. I actually don't have any. I've felt very guilty about this. I should be able to just get through this right? I hate that I can't just get past it. And feel extremely weak because of it.
There is so much more.
Just not tonight.
I've been in a funk since Jonas passed. Didn't help that my Bils close friend passed the day after Thanksgiving due to a accident at work. None of it helps.
I really miss Wookie. Can't stand not having him here. But it seems I'm going to have to stay on campus next semester. Things just aren't working out to move off. But I really, really want to. I feel like a part of me is missing with out him. I went shopping last night, for Wooks Christmas presents. Probably would have cried the entire time had Ryan not come along with me. Humph. I just want my puppy. I don't sleep well without him on my bed. Even worse without him in my room/house/town. This is just a suck situation. I was okay with it earlier today. But now I'm not. So up and down lately. But really. I just want my dog. He turned a year on November 27. I didn't have money to do anything. But he got extra lovins. Gosh I miss his sweet face. Resuming apartment hunt tomorrow. Humph.
As you know, I didn't post on Thanksgiving. Am I not thankful? No, I'm certainly thankful. I actually didn't get on the computer at all that day. It was hard. It was weird. But I did it. Then again Friday. I did get on very early Saturday morning. But didn't feel like posting.
Thanksgiving was great.
Different but great.
Can we just skip Christmas and head right into Summer?
Yeah… Didn't think so.
Life is hard right now.
I'm not gonna pretend to be even close to okay.
Little Jonas passed away last week.
I'm heartbroken.
I've never really met him. Saw him at the hospital once, I think.
But somehow, through his dad, he stole my heart. Jonas that is.
His eyes were so beautifully blue. Magical really.
It really just is heartbreaking.
Over and out.
Ever wonder what I really mean when I say something?
Yeah didn't Figure you did. But thought I'd tell you anyhow.
When I say "I'm fine" I mean "I hurt like crazy, but am too afraid to admit it"
When I say "I'm good" I mean "I've finally masked the pain enough to only feel numb, which is good enough for now."
When I say "How are you?" I'm genuinely interested. For one moment my head might be on something other than the horrors it usually is.
When I say "I'm here" This is a time to worry, as I might not be for long.
When I say "I'm having a hard time" I mean "I can hardly hold myself together anymore, please help me"
When I say "I need to talk" I really do. Even if I seem alright, I'm not okay.
When I say "I'm hurting" it must be really bad, or I never would have said it.
When I smile, it kills me inside. I hate the mask I have to wear.
Okay, I'm having an epic failure of a week. I fell backwards in my chair yesterday and hurt horribly today. Can hardly breathe tonight. Or move really. It's mainly my ribs, lungs, neck that I hurt. Though the rest of me doesn't feel real great either.
Well. She is in the process of moving out. I'm thrilled. With a bit of sadness creeping in. Not because she is leaving, but because now I really will be alone all the time. Really, it sounds great. But I know me. I will spend all my time in the room alone. Because I am comfortable there now. Comfortable isn't always a good thing. Being able to sleep with out fear of waking her up from my screaming, however, sounds like an amazing thing. Not having to here her complain about stupid things. Amazing. Funny thing is, she's moving in with Meghan. Really. Quite funny if you know the story. Not feeling much like sharing it right now though.
I'm having a rough time.
Okay. Confession time.
I really do love the taste of dirt. It really is because of my body lacking in some substance. Maybe not iron. That's just my guess.
My nephew dumped a bag of M&Ms down my shirt tonight. I just looked at him and didn't say a thing. Mainly because he is SO darn CUTE.
I can switch gears, emotionally, in seconds.
I cried today.
I thought I got all the M&Ms out, but one hid from me. Upon standing It moved down my shirt and I bout had a hard attack. Thought it was a spider.
My dog moved his tail. I was amazed for a minute. Until I realized it was a normal thing… Dogs wag their tails…
My hair is still falling out. The test results are not back. I decided I really do love my hair and am still not happy about this. But who would be?
In the last 2 hours I have. Vacuumed and shampooed the carpets. Cleaned and swept the bathroom. Done laundry. Taken a shower. And washed Wookies food and water bowls. It could be that I suddenly wanted to clean. Or that I had a 5 hour energy around 7pm and wasn't ready for bed. I'm seriously in L-O-V-E with those things. I get massive caffeine headaches. Drink half of one of those. Boom, I feel brand new. Within minutes!!
I started the Prolonged Exposure Therapy tonight. It was… Interesting. Very, hard. We will record all of the sessions so I can listen to them during the week. This made me feel slightly awkward. I know I'm the only one ever going to hear it. BUT Still. It was weird.
I've decided to post a lot of what I'm doing/feeling on here. To keep me accountable, and so I remember. If you have any questions ask way. I'll answer what I can.
Okay so every week I will have homework for this therapy. This week's is;
Okay. Truth: I'm emotionally fried. I take everything everyone says the wrong way. "Hey Gabby you sure look pretty" Me:"What was that tone, you think it's funny to tease me? I look awful so shut up and move along." Okay so maybe it hasn't gone quite like that anywhere but my head. But that's what I'm thinking.
My sister took some pictures of me with Little Liam. I look downright awful. I didn't realize how awful until seeing the pictures. My eyes are sunken in and my toothpick arms stick out. My collarbone looks like its ready to cut through my skin.
Humph.
I talked to old Boyfriend the other night. He isn't old. He is my Ex. Not really sure why though. Oh yes, I remember. Because I'm psycho! That's the reason for everything. . . Really.
I really want a pepsi. But it happens to be almost 3am, I'm not wearing pants, or a bra. SO going anywhere is highly out of the question. I will just have to suffer till morning.
I L-O-V-E my mother with all my heart. But she is driving me bananas. She has conversations in her head. But doesn't realize it. SO you are expected to do what she's thinking, without knowing it. Drives me up the wall. But I cleaned the floors and a bundle of other things. She can really find the ground to be upset with me tomorrow. She will though. Though, I don't live her most of the time, so why I'm the one cleaning it is still a mystery.
Oh, my Grandma is coming for Thanksgiving. I couldn't be happier. She is the one who bought me Wookie. Yep. Not that she plays favorites or anything… She sends my siblings Birthday cards.
Okay, that was totally a joke. Sorta… She does dote on me a bit more than the other too-many-to-count grandchildren. But, I am the one who has been sick for years. SO no one, including me, seems to mind. And Wookie wasn't that much. Under $500.00. It's all good. (I'm being sarcastic here. In case you were wondering…)
I fail miserably at a lot of things. Mainly, being social. It's not that I have nothing to input into the conversation. I just lack the skills and confidence of actually applying it. It's something about me that I really despise, yet have no idea how to change.
I'm very hard on myself. Ha, like you didn't already know that right… And well sometimes it just gets to be too much. I overload my plate (I don't eat so this makes sense right?) And no matter how hard I try the food/emotions just keep piling on. It's an endless battle that I'm losing. Once I'm on emotional overload, I shut down. Everything is pointless. No one wants to hear what I have to say (in my head). So it builds up even more. Then comes the depression. Great. We all know what that's like for me. It's a gruesome cycle here. But. I can't change it. I fail…
I actually fell asleep once last week like real sleep. Not just zoning out for the night. It lasted about an hour before I had a freaked out roommate from my screaming. She was nice enough to turn on the light. I came to, super shaken. Lied about why I was screaming. Claiming that I thought there was a huge spider. And the room settled down she went back to bed. I laid awake the remainder of the night, contemplating who, if anyone I should go outside and call. That 1 would actually answer in the middle of the night and 2 Would listen and make me feel better without me feeling silly for calling. I didn't end up calling anyone. Mainly because that person doesn't exist. So I lay there and thought about that stupid nightmare. Over and over again. I physically was in pain. Nightmares. Flashbacks. Dissociation it all stinks. Not literally.
I just took a shower. Is that TMI? Probably. But anyway. On to the point. Have you ever showered in a public shower? Well, there's always a huge glob of hair in the drain. Because no one in their right mind would pick up the germ invested filth. Well. That's what my drain looked like when I was done. Seriously my hair was/is coming out in globs. Now, I will be honest. I don't love hair. Anywhere. I would be perfectly happy being hairless. Yet. It falling out. Kinda scares me. There has to be a reason… Right? Hair doesn't just up and decide to leave. I wonder if I have male pattern baldness. Wait. No it doesn't run in my family. Oh and the small fact that I'm not a male… That is a factor too…
Tomorrow I will wake and go apartment hunting. Doesn't sound so great to me as I have to figure this out by Wednesday. I REALLY do not want to live on campus next semester. Like really, really don't want to. Would rather eat dirt than live on campus. Wait that's not a very good example. As I lack iron and enjoy the taste of dirt. Okay. I would rather eat… Toe jam than live on campus.
I'm feeling a bit sarcastic tonight. If you couldn't tell.
Sarcasm is my coping skill. Oh, and I smile. Those two together are what keeps me running. Again not literally. But soon I will be physically running. Right exercise. TO help me… Lose weight??? No. My child. You know, the one I nanny, wants to get a faster time on the mile. So I told her I'd do it with her. Not the actual running the mile for a good time. Just the training. It's will be good. We can bond. Exercise is good for you… I suppose. Who needs to weigh over 100lbs anyway?
Another reason I need an apartment: can you imagine how big of a pain it would be to have any kind of a feeding tube while living in a dorm? Seriously. Awful…
I love periods. Not like the female kind. The punctuation kind… Have you not figured that out by the way I. separate. Everything. With. One. I thought I'd inform you.
Well again I've avoided the point that needs to be made. But, I must get to bed. Goodnight!
SO I found out today that you can change anything you want about yourself… Well, really? Then what the heck am I still sick for? Why do I still have PTSD? I really wish someone would have been kind enough to inform me of this before now. Oh wait. They have. And guess what. It's a load of POO(Sorry for the vulgar language.)
That is the most insensitive thing you could ever say to a person. Seriously. "Just elect to be someone different, your pain really means nothing, being sick is in your head"
GRR. It makes me so angry I could scream.
Honestly. Why would you say something like that to anyone? To hurt them deeper? Do people get some sick thrill out of knowing how badly it hurts when they say that to me?
Well needless to say I'm having a rough night. I thought it would be good. I spent the weekend in Evanston. Just got back here an hour ago, the trip was good. Only cried half way instead of all the way. That's progress. I don't remember the last half of the trip. Just drove. My head is in space so much. It's crazy.
Okay. I have to get this out. Even if I don't want to.
I've lost weight. Not just a little weight. I've lost almost 20lbs. When a slender person loses 20lbs, well it's not good. When a chronically sick person loses 20lbs, well usually action is taken.
I don't want a feeding tube. Of any kind. Because seriously, they stink. Really. They smell bad. I especially do not want a PICC line. They are such a pain to deal with. Infection of any kind could kill me. Humph. That leaves NG or G tube. NG. Really. Does anyone want a tube in their nose?Just chilling there saying "Hey look at me". G tube means surgery. Small as it may be. Still surgery.
Did you vote yesterday?
I did.
But I didn't vote because I was asked, or expected to. I voted for me.
Voting is such a privilege and people need to start realizing it.
One of my biggest "pet peeves" is people complaining about whose in office yet didn't vote. Whoa back up. You neglected to put your two cents in when it mattered but now choose to BS about the result. Nope. Not okay.
Voting yesterday, I felt like a kid in a candy shop. Seriously. I was making a difference. Well, sorta. It was partly my choice what happens in the next few years. Because I voted. Did I make the right choices? Uh, who's to say? I suppose we'll never know. Right…
I sure do hope you voted.
It kinda sucks. No, it really sucks. I've already lost. There is no way for me to win this fight. The day he used the knife on me. He won. Nothing I or anyone else can ever do will change or fix it. Sue. Yeah. But that's not going to make me feel any better. Though. I'm still doing it. I'm really just feeling defeated tonight. Really really. A spider got on me in the shower. And that was just the end. A spider. A stupid spider has put me over the edge. Great
I hate talking to anyone. I feel guilty for not being happy and not having only sunshine dust come out of my mouth. I know everyone must be tired of it. I'm tired of it. I don't want to leave my bed anymore. I still do. But, not without a fight. College, it's supposed to be the best years of my life. Instead. It's becoming something I don't want to remember. It really hurts.
Tonight
Tomorrow
It hurts.
I have black bags under my eyes. Maybe if I got more than 2 hours of sleep at a time they would go away.
Nevertheless I cake some makeup on and go out the door.
(Facebook is down for me. GRR)
Here it goes.
I feel like dirt emotionally. I cry at the drop of a hat. I'm starting to feel numb again. Not completely. Just noticing that something, just don't matter. When maybe they should matter. Yet. I don't want to feel them. Who really wants to feel pain? Not me.
I can be very clinical about this. Really. Mentally I get that this is normal for someone suffering from PTSD. That this back and forth will go on for quite sometime, and it's completely normal. Other people deal with the exact same thing. It's okay to feel this way. It will get better.
See. I can be clinical.
But. Truthfully. That's not how I'm feeling.
I feel like I'm going crazy… Mental really. The lawsuit is coming to the end stages. I should be fine by now. I shouldn't be sleeping less than 12 hours a week. I shouldn't be waking up screaming when I do sleep. I shouldn't be living in irrational fear. I should be past this point. Why am I not past this point?
Only being able to see my Psychologist about every 6 weeks. It doesn't help. Yes, I could find one here in town. Will I? No. Before coming to college I was barely at the point of talking freely. Not because I don't feel comfortable with my specific Psychologist. Because I don't feel comfortable sharing. Much of anything. With hardly anyone. Not one person here in RS knows anything about my PTSD. Very few people back home know about it. How do you tell someone you're mental? It's not easy.
I'm going away a lot. Just hiding within myself. At things. I thought I was over. Like his name. Talking about PTSD in general. Not my specific case. Just that it exists. Talking about anything I've experienced. I just crawl inside and hide. It's all getting worse. The flashbacks the nightmares. Triggers. Numbness. Falling. . . . It's killing me to write this post.
Honestly. I'm a very picky person. Especially when it comes to friends. I don't like being around people who swear. So when It's my choice. I'm not. Most College aged people swear. Like sailors. That's not my bowl of soup. SO, I don't have many friends here. And by that, I mean I have one friend. She's great. She does however swear. But we've known each other for years. Not been close. But not enemies. She knows I hate swearing. SO when she does she apologizes. Which is good. But. It gets lonely here. Very lonely. I'm alone a lot. My day goes something like this.
Get up
Go to class
Eat lunch
Go to room
Hang out either in room or commons until time for work.
Go to work.
Go back to room.
Do homework or whatever until roomie comes back and wants to sleep
Do it all over again
With adding a night class Tuesday & Thursday
Really living right?
I'm so lonely. Yet there are very few people I even want to talk to. I feel guilty for talking. I have nothing good to say. Nobody wants to hear it. But I'm falling. Hitting the bottoms gonna hurt. It's not the first time. But this time I feel like I'm doing it alone. There's always been people around or just a text away. Yet, lately I feel completely cut off. The times I do get to talk to someone. I feel like everything comes out wrong. Like I'm broken. For some reason I can't say exactly what the problem is. Do I know what the problem is? Is there just one problem? No. It's a whole mess. I feel overwhelmed. So overwhelmed. I'm drowning here. Nobody is around to care.
My best friend is no longer my best friend. He doesn't even care. He's more interested in making people believe he's gay. When everybody can tell he isn't. When you truly believe you are homosexual. You don't have to try to be. It just comes. He seems like he is working so hard at it. Like he is trying to convince himself
Let me address this a little more. Homosexuality is wrong. Plain and simple. But so is lying. In Gods eyes the two sins are equal, all sins are equal. Who am I to judge or look down upon him for it when I struggle with my own problems? That's my take on it.
It doesn't hurt me that he is with him, not me. It hurts me that he is letting it come between us. I'm trying so hard to show him I'm okay with it. I just want him to be happy. Yet he is putting a wedge between us. It's killing me.
Such is life. This too shall pass. But right now. It hurts. Really bad.
So If you can't tell. I'm not okay. I'm broken. In pain. Falling. Alone. No one here to catch me, bring me back.
Great. I just love College.
Getting that last post up was RIDICULOUS!! Seriously. The links wouldn't work. It wouldn't let me post pictures…. GRR> But hopefully it works now….
Learning to let go is in no case easy. It's not fun. It's not even pleasant. But, in most cases it has to be done.
My heart weeps for the Ringgold family tonight, actually all day. Sweet Bella fought a long, hard battle and is finally pain free with Jesus. Please take a moment and offer some encouraging words to her family. They also need all the prayer they can get. I can't imagine how difficult this must be. Going in hoping for a cure for their sweet angel, coming out empty handed. They did an amazing thing though. They helped pave part of the way to maybe curing the world of EB. That has not gone unnoticed. They gave the biggest sacrifice they had. My heart is broken.
After reading the post of Bella's passing last night, it really got me thinking. How does one find the strength to let go?
God.
I find it's an ever revolving process, at least for me. I'm still learning.
I'm learning to use Cruise Control when I drive, letting go of being in constant control of my speed. (sorta)
I'm learning to let go of the fear that all Doctors are going to hurt me.
I'm Learning to let go of the memories that come when someone says "Gabby, Breathe"
It's all hard. Sometimes unbearable. But it's all necessary. It's not a quick process, I've been working at most of it for a very long time. But, I know if I give up now, I'll never make it through.
Okay, my spill about letting go is over for now. Let me move on to everyday life.
I have a ton of homework. 3 papers due in the next week. Only one of which I've started. I have an Abnormal Psych exam in the morning, I need to study for. I have 4 articles to read, and journal my thoughts on. I have 4 chapters to read and make 3 questions for each chapter. I have to peer edit a paper. I have to find someone to peer edit my power point presentation. And 3 chapter quizzes to do. The life of a college student, right?
Grr. I can handle it. I'm just annoyed.
My lungs are killing me, I have to see a rheumatologist. Great fun.
My Regular Dr thinks it has to do with inflammation. Also great.
I'm on 2 new inhalers. Twice a day. They make me really absent minded. I don't enjoy it. Dr.W gave them to me Friday, by Sunday my lungs felt much better. Then last night out of nowhere they were killing me again. I laid in bed from like 7 until about 3am. I got up then and took ibuprofen and a sleeping pill. It knocked me out. I had super crazy dreams. But, it was still sleep, something I don't see much of anymore.
Well I really must tackle so of this homework… Until next time *Ga5bby
Grr. I'm annoyed. My dorm room is occupied… So I'm in the commons. It really isn't that bad in here. That's really not what I'm annoyed about. I just get so tired of people thinking everything that ever happens anywhere it their business. It's not really. If someone says something on their blog that isn't true or you don't believe it. Get over it. Okay?
The misfits. That aren't me just invaded my area. Now I am back in my room. Which is now empty. Thank heavens. Grr. I hate this college scene thing. SO what If it's helping me grow and expand as a person. It's stupid and needless. Just let me get an apartment and come here when I have class. Thankyouverymuch. I've been in a pretty rotten mood all day. I need to talk. I'm just not sure how. … GRR… Every time I try to on here. I can't seem to find the words. Which makes me angry. SO I quit….
I'm having lung issues. SO being in constant pain doesn't help any. Called the Doctor. She wants to see me. Friday. Really Friday. That's so far away. Seems like FOREVER. But whatever. It hurts to breathe. Every breath I take feels like someone is poking my lungs. Feels like there is extreme pressure on my chest. It hurts my lung to swallow. Doesn't really make any sense. My inhaler helps for like 2 minutes. It makes my lungs not feel so tight. What's really bothering me is back in January when I was having lung problems, they found a spot on my left lung(I thnk it was the left) but right after that the found the spot in my liver and were more concerned with that and we all just kinda forgot about it until now. I was supposed to have it checked 2-3 weeks later to make sure it wasn't growing. But no dice. I'm hungry. But I know I'll regret eating. Both the process and the after math. Yeah. Food is not my best friend right now. It sounds good and all. I just feel awful as soon as I smell or taste it. Grand. I really want sushi. Like REALLY REALLY. But I know it will make me really really sick. SO I will refrain from fulfilling my desire. I think I'm gonna go get some heat packs for my chest. Or something… Something has to bring relief… Right???
What joy comes from hurting someone else? Is it fun? No. It makes me feel like crap. Why do others feel it is their 'job' to do so? Reading in a forum tonight I seriously got angry. It's not okay to derail anyone publicly no matter what they did. If you have a problem with someone go to them personally and talk about it. I get so tired of living in a world where everyone acts like 3 year olds. Tattle tattle tattle. Seriously people, give it up. Don't read a blog if you don't enjoy it. Don't be the grief in someones life. It's not fair to them or those around them. I'm not just saying this because I happen to respect said blogger. I fight for people I don't respect also. I may not be thrilled about the current President. But fact is it's not my choice. He is in charge. I HAVE to respect him. You talk bad about him in front of me. You might just meet my fist. And those of you who know me know that I am not a violent person in the least bit. It takes a lot to get a rise out of me. And well this is it. If you aren't old enough to use proper ethics on the internet maybe you should get off and go play with your barbies. GRR.
Seriously, I don't agree with everything on every blog I've ever read. But it isn't my place(or yours) to correct them.
That's a bad choice of words. They don't need corrected. They don't need to hear your opinion. They don't need you to read what they have to say. Just let people have their blogs and GROW UP. Seriously. I realize I've said seriously a lot tonight. But it's better than some of the things I'm thinking, because guess what. i'm human. WHOAjust like you. Just like said blogger. And guess what else. I make mistakes. WHOA I know. I'm way out of line Here. No wait. I'm not. This is my blog. You don't like what I have to say. That's fine. Don't read. It doesn't bother me.
Grr. Okay. That's all. I'll drop it now. I'm just so angry with the way "adults" are handling this. Really angry. SO I'm going to go to bed and try to cool down. Hopefully I will sleep. But I doubt it. Sleep has not been easy lately. Too many nightmares. But still I try? Okay.
Have a goodnight everyone. I will try to post about my beautiful new nephew tomorrow. Probably no pictures. But cross your fingers and maybe the internet at school will let me…. J Gabby
Identity
This assignment was about writing a paper on identity, which meant I had to really think about what composes my identity. There are so many different aspects that make up me as a whole. Choosing just four was hard. It took a lot of thought and consideration. But I have chosen what I find to be the four main things that make me well, me.
My family's impact on me has been large. Not in the "My family loves me and is always there" kind of way. More that I've learned so many life lessons from them, the impact, good and bad, really has helped to mold me in to the person I am today. My family is not your normal everyday American family. My parents are divorced. In the last 15 years I've seen my father twice. I have 7 older siblings, 5 from my mother and 2 from my father. My fathers children I've never met. My mom remarried when I was 5.. They divorced when I was 11.
My oldest brother has been into drugs as long as I can remember. Growing up, there was reminder after reminder of what drugs do to a person. My Mom is raising two of his three children. He has shown me the kind of parent I never want to be, and the man I never want to marry. His twin boys, who are now 10, are really amazing considering all that they've been through. They've taught me a deeper love and patience. All my siblings have shown me things I want and don't want to be. All of them who have kids, excluding my oldest brother, are great parents, loving and devoted spouses, smart and caring people. They have helped me to have a more receptive and caring identity.
My Mother, whom I love to pieces, is always there for me. She is an amazing mother and person. Being a single mother isn't easy. But she's always tries to give us what we want. She has shown me that no matter the situation, or the consequence. You do what is needed of you. She has shown me how to be strong person even in hard times, to hold on to what I believe in and stand my ground. Through her I am stronger in my identity.
One of the biggest role models in my life is Debi Schmelzenbach, she's not actually related to me. She's been there for me through the hardest years of my life. She stuck by my side, even when I didn't want to. She offered advice, showed loved, and listened. She is a very Godly woman,. She has taught me true meaning of friendship. That, no matter what happens you stick by those you care about when they need you. Even when they don't realize it's you they need. Debi and my Mother have both shown me real faith in God.
Being homeschooled was an experience I wouldn't trade for anything. I loved it. A lot of people are against it, and I agree that it isn't always the best option. But for me it was. I was able to learn at my pace, for the most part. I didn't have the same peer pressure, for the most part. In the town I grew up in, we had a home school group. So I still got the social interaction. Through it I learned better problem solving skills, as after my Mom and Step-dad divorced when I was 11 I was on my own with getting my schooling done a lot. There wasn't always someone to ask.
I also think I learned how to be a better friend. There wasn't an endless supply of people around like in public school. The friends I made were the friends I had. I learned not to take them for granted and think before I did something that might hurt them. Now, I'm not saying that I've never done those things, I am human. I've just noticed that a lot of the public schooled kids I know, don't really care that much about their friends. If they make one mad they go to the next. I was also brought so much closer to my family through home schooling. It was me and my three older sisters. I was in first grade and my oldest sister was a freshman in high school. We all fought. We all disliked each other. But in the end, we all were closer. The importance of family is something not everyone sees. Being Homeschooled helped me realize it by bringing me closer to them and having to rely on them for a lot of my social interaction.
My medical Challenges have impacted me the most I think. Growing up I was the kid with chronic belly aches. Had tests done at a young age, but nothing ever showed up. Then because of my horrid acid reflux we were referred to a local surgeon who discovered a hiatal hernia. I had my first surgery at the age of 15, then another 3 months later to have my gall bladder removed, and another three months later to remove my appendix. Then there was a nine month break. July 17th 2008 was the day that changed me forever. Well not the day per se, but the events that followed. The short 1 hour surgery, turned into a multiple hour surgery. The overnight stay turned into 10 days in Evanston, eight of them in ICU, and 4 weeks at Primary Children's Medical Center. Where they found I had Pancreatitis, many infected abscesses in my lungs and abdomen, which required multiple hospitalizations over the next year. In January 2009 I had another 8+ hour surgery at Primary Children's Medical Center to correct the misfortunes done by the previous surgeon, which lead to another 3 weeks in the hospital.
What kind of an impact might this have on a person? Well, personally, I found lying in a bed in the ICU hardly breathing, barely awake, hearing the many Doctors in the room telling your mother that you had less than a 20% chance of survival. It does change someone. Knowing that I'm in the <20% that shouldn't be alive, that I'm really nothing short of a miracle. Knowing that for some reason God wants me personally here has given me a different outlook on life. Maybe even a new zest, though it took me a long time after everything happened to find. It's still there, inside begging to get out. A want to do more with the oh so limited time I know we all have. I realize now how fragile life really is. How much we really need to embrace today. This gives me a more spontaneous identity.
Though, knowing all of this can be really overwhelming at times. Have you ever asked God "why me"? I do every day. The day after I was transferred off ICU the little guy that I shared a room with, not even a year old, passed away. Why him? Why not me? What is it about me that makes my life needed? Why must I live? No one can really answer those questions. We can try. But ultimately only God knows. At that time, I wasn't changed. The aftermath of it all is what really affected me. Realizing things I heard. Understanding why the nurses were crying on more than one occasion is overwhelming some days.
Knowing that the first surgeon did all that he did without really knowing or caring if he was doing it right, or fixing the problem. He was just looking for a paycheck. That can be unbearable. Learning to adjust to life after almost dying, having weeks that I don't remember of my life, learning to eat again. (Something that they never thought I'd be able to do.) Seeing the scars left from it every single day. Knowing that I'm 'different'. It's undeniably hard some days. Going through a law suit, while starting College, it's not exactly easy.
Knowing that the way I view life is different than the average 19 year old girl, knowing that I'll never be "normal". It's all part of what makes me Gabby. It forces me to have a more positive identity. The negative can and does quite often bring me down. If I'm not positive at the roots everything falls apart fast. This part of my life will continue to shape me for the rest of my life I suppose.
My beliefs are what have brought me this far in life, knowing that I'm actually living for something, that when I die I'm going to heaven. Knowing that there is more to life than just things and pleasure, and having assurance that no matter what I do, I'm a child of God. Being a Christian is not always glitter and butterflies. But I always know that God is with me, even though I may not feel Him right at that moment. People always want to know how I can still have faith in God after all I've been through. But the question is how I could not? How could I live my life, a miracle, without praising God everyday for it? Without God, I would without a doubt not be alive right now. It is what keeps me together at the seams. My faith, well it is me, it's why I live, and it's who I am.
I recently went Skydiving. It was the most amazing experience of my life. The place I went to was Tooele Utah, right off the Great Salt Lake. On the plane ride, all I could think was "this is going to be so cool." Oh boy was I underestimating it. Words really can't describe the way I felt, feet on the edge of the plane looking down at the beautiful earth God created. Knowing I was about to jump out in to nothing. Heart pounding, mind racing. Off we went. Falling at 115mph. Being able to see for miles in each direction. Realizing how small I really am. I'm just a speck. I could see so much. Yet, that was just One County, in one State, in one Country.
The world is so big. I don't think I really realized it until that moment. The moment that defines everyone in their life happens at different time, in a different place. That moment for me was 10,000+ feet in the air. Strapped to some man I didn't know. Who controlled my life at that time. It was exhilarating. It was the biggest adrenaline rush of my life. Nothing will ever beat how close I felt to God for those 5 minutes. He was there, showing me his creations. Telling me, I really can trust Him with my entire life. He created that beautiful picture I was able to see up there. He is able to sustain me.
Life is beautiful, fragile, and absolutely amazing. I rest assured that I'm taken care of. Not that I don't have my moments. Again, I am only human. I freak out over things. I get stressed beyond what I believe I can handle. I am in College after all. But at the end of the day I always know where I'm going, and how much I'm loved. Not because I've had a perfect life, and not just by God. I am loved by my family and friends, through the bad and the good. I am loved though my body isn't perfect. I am loved for me and my true identity.
Well, I'm still in this rut phase. The one where my blogging usually comes to a screeching halt. But. Today I've decide to break out of the normal. If I know what's gonna happen why not change it? Make it the way I want it? So I will proceed to poor my heart out for the next little while. Sit back. Take an Ibuprofen(I already did, twice today). And read on as far as you can handle…. Before I start, did anyone watch my Skydive Video? What did you think? If you didn't Click here (I totally just figured out how to do that. I'm SOOO excited!!!)
Let me start with, I have something going on. Not sure what. Probably Anemia, possibly allergies, Some kind of stomach issue. Fever. Massive headache. And quite frankly it SUCKS. I hardly know anyone here. I look like crap. I feel like crap. And I have no one to take care of me. I don't like it. Growing up has the vacuum effect. Humph.
The food has been awful the last few days. The few meals they feed us anyway. Yesterday I ate, *gulp*, Spam for the first real time. Not that I today Sherry* that. It wasn't as bad as it sounds. Spam… Spoiled ham? That's what it sounds like to me. But I still ate it. In a sandwich. I thought it tasted a lot like those Vienna sausages you can buy in the can? JMO. Today. They had the sandwich station up. I eat there a lot. White bread, turkey, Mayo, Mustard, lettuce, tomato, and onion. If I'm feeling super spiffy I through the yellow banana peppers on. Is there any other color of banana pepper? Banana makes me think yellow… I will have to find that out… Interesting.
My Abnormal Psychology class was cancelled this morning. Well not really. It was never scheduled. None of us realized that until we all were there and started talking. Don't have it Wednesday either. Not that I'm complaining. We are getting into anxiety D/O's. Bit of a touchy subject for me. A lot of what she is trying to explain and make all these people understand is my every day. Though, it has been awhile since I've had a full blown anxiety attack. I can usually hide the mild pretty well. We haven't actually gotten in to PTSD yet. Probably the next class session. I'm not looking forward to it. But refuse to go to her and ask for a pass from it, I do already know a lot about it, but that would be letting it control me. Not to mention I'd feel like a complete mental person. We are after all only talking about a disorder I have. None of them even know I have it. I'd like it to stay that way….
I'm really digging this font. Is it okay for everyone else? Bigger, smaller? Everything?
There's this RA, oh my, does he smell nice! Delightful really. He put me in a better mood just by the way he smelt!
Ever have a thought, a belief, a notion? Ever been afraid to speak because you know how stupid you must sound? Yeah I'm there. That my dear readers is crap. Yes, that happens to be my word of the day. I know in my head how unrealistic my belief is. My body just isn't to the *realistic* point yet. It's still back at the over stimulated scared point. It's not ready to move on so to speak. My body still flips out at the little stuff. Not as bad as it use to. But it still does.
Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down
(I love this song!!! Really. LOVE it. Do you know the name? I do. I was just wondering who else here is a Creed fan? I like most of their songs. I just have to be in the right mood for some of them. )
Yeah, that was completely off subject. Sorry. I feel pretty awful. Haven't slept much the last 2 nights, the first night I saw a spider. An unreal spider of course, the size of my hand on the wall by my face. I flew out of bed and turned the light on. Shook out my bedding and realized it was a dream. But then for the rest of the night I felt itchy which kept me awake. Then I was sure that my computer was going to fall off my desk if I didn't move it to my dresser. Okay sure. Then last night I felt awful. Fell asleep around 530pm woke up a few times. Then at 2am I woke up realized my roomie wasn't back, went to head out the door to find her, stopped myself as she does have family in town she was probably with. Then ate some cereal.
****Big News To Come****
I get it. I really do. There are people in harder times than me. I get that. But that doesn't mean I don't have a right to my own feelings about my own life.
If I want to complain about being in a strange town, alone, with nothing to do. I will.
I often feel like crap because of the feelings I have. That's not fair. (Yes I'm regressing back to that stage) I should be able to freely feel my feelings. I shouldn't have to worry who I might offend because somethings happened in their life. Because guess what, my life ain't easy. (Yeah I just said ain't).
I just spent the last hour crying because my carton of milk was spoiled. Great. Was it really the milk I was upset about? Was It the glass of cereal I pour it on to before realizing it was chunky? No not really. It's just milk. It would have made me sick anyway. I don't have money to get anymore. SO I'll eat dinner tonight in the cafeteria and then they'll have dinner tomorrow there too. That's a bit annoying. No I don't like food that much. But I still tend to eat more than once a day. Even if it is gross.
SO then, why was I crying? I'm not sure there's an exact reason. I know I don't want to be here. I know my mom had just called to say she missed me, as this was the first weekend I didn't go home. I know that I've been in this stupid room way too much. I know that I didn't sleep much last night. I know that I feel like CRAP. I know all that. I also know that many other people are having just as crappy of a day today. Should that make me suck it up and get on with life? Probably. Will it? No. I'm not that kind of person. See other people hurting doesn't make me look at my life and say "they've got it worse, I should be happy" because honestly. They really don't have it worse, they have it different. It's still sucky. It still hurts. It just isn't the same.
Surprisingly enough. I'm still sticking to my not talking about it statement earlier. I still haven't talked about "it".
Funny how much this blog really helps me. I doubt that anyone really reads much anymore. I've been an awful blogger. This is how it usually works though.
I blog, a lot get everything out.
I feel better, the blogging slows down.
I get busy, rarely update.
I start to fall apart, the blogging picks up again.
By now I'm in a rut. I hate this stupid rut. I find myself here often.
ß This is me now.
Once again I will stop blogging. Mainly because what I have to say isn't worth saying.
Someone will notice I'm hurting again, pick me back up.
I'll get back in the bloggy system
I'll get feeling okay again.
Ready. Repeat.
This is what I call the Gabby system. Sometimes when this happens it's hardly noticeable. Sometimes, it gets bad. Right now. It's bad.
So, if I disappear. Stop responding. I'll be in dorm 4-113 of Rocky Mountain Hall. Because that's the only place I can go.
Ever get to the point where talking seems useless? Yeah, I'm there. Good. Probably not. But that's the point I'm living in today. I'm sick of everything here. Never having anything to do doesn't help. Might go swimming later. Woo. Highlight of my week.. Giving up. Packing up. Going home. Yeah right. I wish. I'm stuck. Which makes me hate it even more.
I was up most of the night, horrible stomach pain. Stress? Malnutrition? Yeah. Probably. Finally fell asleep around 830am. My lovely roommate then proceeded to talk loudly on the phone for the next half hour. Thank you. SO glad you could show me the same courtesy I showed you yesterday when I sat in the stupid commons room for 5 hours so you could sleep.
Really? I'm not happy today if you can't tell. I probably won't go swimming. I need my inhaler refilled, still.
Is this post making any sense to you? It's sure not to me. But hey what ever. I can beat around the bush for hours.
Maybe I should just walk home. It's only 95 miles. Or, hitchhike. That would be a new experience….
I'm not sure that this will work. So I might end up sending it to Management to have her post it. But, if it does work, my life would be so much easier. But, for now, there will be no pictures. At least not when I post from school. I'm really digging this font. I hope it stays J.
Honestly Honest.
I'm having a rough time here at school. Not because I'm not making friends. I've made a few. Not because I'm not enjoying my classes, they're quite fun. Next week in Phlebotomy we get to start poking, which slightly scares me. I'm fine with poking others, but having someone, who doesn't know what they are doing poke me…. No thanks. That comes with my fear of student nurses I think. I didn't completely bomb my Abnormal Psych test. Which is a praise. I may have not done so good on the Phlebotomy test yesterday. But I'm pretty sure that I'm just Psyching myself out. Yet. Part of me, hates it here. It may be because there are scary clowns on my wall. Or that it's after 1pm and my roommate is still sleeping. It could be because the food is GROSS or that I'm anemic and my mother hasn't called the nutritionist, and hasn't sent me her number to do it myself. It could be that I haven't seen the love of my life(Wookie) since Sunday. And knowing I have to go another week before I get to is killing me inside. It could be that my feet still hurt. After 4 weeks. And Dr.W said if it's not better next week I really should see the Ortho. Which means missing school, at least one day, as I can't drive all the way to Utah, have an Appointment, and come all the way back in one day, without going insane.
It could be that I still don't have a job. I applied at the hospital yesterday, yes I'm that desperate. They need an X-ray Tech. It could be fun. Not as much physical work as a CNA. Still in the medical field, I really didn't want to work at the hospital here. But, I guess, if I get the job. I'll do it. I also applied at Kmart and Claire's. Both places advertising that they're hiring. Yet, no phone calls. I went to one of the McDonalds. They were stupid. There wasn't even a manager in the building, they didn't know where he went. I asked for the store number so I could apply online. The guy informed me they didn't have a store number. I looked at him like "Are you stupid?" (yes would be the answer to that) Then proceeded to civilly ask for a receipt. Because, you know, that's where the store number is. Well at least I knew that. And most people who have every eaten at a McDonalds Down here in the mountains know that. Yet, He didn't know that?
It could very well be all of that making me hate college. Wouldn't surprise me one bit. But it could also be that without Wookie I'm always alone. Even when I may not be physically I am mentally. The people here don't know my past. They don't know I'm suffering from PTSD. They don't know that Not having consistent treatment for it is making me insane. They don't know, me. While it is nice to just be Gabby. I'm no longer just Gabby. Whether I want it or not, all of my problems are me. There's no one to talk to about these things here. Having Therapy every few weeks, is better than nothing, yet I'm almost afraid to talk. Because, I don't always know, when I'll be there again. With Wookie around. I didn't have to talk. He knew when I was sad. When I needed him to love on me. When I wanted him next to me. He knew how to make me smile. "He's just a dog" you might be thinking. But you're wrong. He's my dog. I love him SO much it hurts some days. To know that he is sad when I'm not with him, hurts even more. We need each other to function. To sleep. To feel at all okay. I just want my Puppy, my baby, my Wookie-Pie.
So today. I'm sad. I sit here. With nothing to do, because I have no class on Fridays. Thinking about how much I miss my puppy. Wanting to go home. Knowing that I can't. I really hate it. I know. Today. There is nothing I can do about it. I know that dorm life, is not for me. The sharing a room. The disgusting food. Not having Wookie with me. I know that ASAP I will have my own apartment. With my puppy. I know, that I can't do this without him. L
I'm not okay right now. Whether that is 'Normal' or not, well I don't know or care. I just want my puppy. I want to deeply talk to someone who knows me. I want a new, or no roommate. Want Want Want. Quite frankly. This SUCKS.
I also want some food I can identify. That doesn't make me sick….
Well, there's my heart. Right on this post. Maybe later, when I'm not hurting so much. I will write more on the good things of college.
I leave you with this amazing video. Watch it, enjoy it . Live vicariously through me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWbkwRsIi0s
