Details to Come...

More details to come... But that will be a very long post with many stories and a lot to cover! Things that I am SOOO excited about! :) A long with a blog to come in addition to highlight the planning of a certain event to take place in a few months :) and then change my life forever! :)

I don't WANT to talk about it.

Really it's that simple. I should. I NEED to. But I just don't want to talk. I don't want to smile. I don't want to exist. And then with a single text from him... My whole day turns around. It's like I dig myself into a pit everyday and he walks by and casually pulls me back out. And honestly... I'm not sure how I feel about him. But It's new. So the things I don't want to talk about can sit and fester... While I refuse to talk. And he refuses to let me be down. Really, it's that simple...

IPhone

Trying to blog from my iPhone for the first time... Not sure how it will work!
I want to write something today that is encouraging, uplifting , inspirational, thought provoking. But right now I just don't have it in me. I have a broken heart. I have broken wings. Im stuck on the ground at the moment, hurting. Trying so hard to keep a smile on my face. But it is getting hard. I'm not sure how much more I can take! I'll try and right more later. Just pray for me if you have the time please. I really need it...

IPhone

Trying to blog from my iPhone for the first time... Not sure how it will work!
I want to write something today that is encouraging, uplifting , inspirational, thought provoking. But right now I just don't have it in me. I have a broken heart. I have broken wings. Im stuck on the ground at the moment, hurting. Trying so hard to keep a smile on my face. But it is getting hard. I'm not sure how much more I can take! I'll try and right more later. Just pray for me if you have the time please. I really need it...

Do You Realize?

Do you realize that everything you say, everything you do, will impact someone's life? The smallest comment you don't even remember making could hurt someone deeper than you could know. On the flip side of that, you might not realize what you said gave someone that push they needed to keep going.

I'm not doing so great. Plain and simple. In fact. I think I'm lower than rock bottom right now. Life has thrown me a curve ball, and I'm not handling it. I can put a smile on my face and say "I'm fine". That doesn't make me fine though. It doesn't make me not hurt. It doesn't make life any easier. It doesn't make this pit any less dark. I spend a lot of my energy holding myself together. Not letting anyone in. Especially the people closest to me.

I'm a really lucky person. I know this. Even more so now. I have some women in my life who are determined to help me back up. They won't take no for an answer. Instead of condemning me for how I feel. Instead of writing it off. Acting as though it's my fault. They aren't giving useless advice and walking away. They are saying "Hey I know you're in a pit. And I know how you feel. I'm here and I'm gonna help you back out. Let me hold your hand through this. Let me in let me help. I will come to you and lead you back out."
And that is more than I could have ever asked for or deserved.

Dirt.

If your goal was to make me feel like dirt, you succeeded. Not that it really take all that much to do so. Did you seriously have to though? I think I had enough going on as it was. Didn't need that. Nonetheless that is the way life works. At least for me. It seems when I'm struggling and can barely keep my chin up that's when everyone thinks they need to add their two cents to the mix. Which usually isn't very nice. I am perfectly capable of making myself feel like dirt. I don't need help. Thank you. 


My allergies have been horrible this last week. Making my asthma even worse. So I'm miserable. Breathing should not be this hard or painful. 


I'm in a mood. Not a good one. And I need to get out of it. 

Change

I hate change. Really. I don't hate many things. But change is one of them. Unexpected change. Yeah... I don't do well with at all. I like schedules. I like to know what I need to do everyday and make a plan. Maybe not down to the minute. But I do better when it is. I like knowing who will be where when. I can't handle unknown situations. I don't completely avoid them anymore. But there is usually at least one meltdown before and after because it causes me so much stress. I try not to stress about things outside of my control. But I haven't quite gotten it down yet. I am better about not having to control the entire world. But I still like to be in control. Of everything. I don't like to say no to people. I do it very rarely. Even if I may not want to do something. I want to help. Usually it ends up harming me so it's not always a good quality. I am afraid to end up alone. Ha you're only (almost) 21 Gabby, that is a crazy fear. Maybe so. But I have reasons. I don't trust people. Makes it pretty hard to fall in love. I've been hurt so many times that I'm having a really hard time even wanting to try again. I am not exactly the perfect wife. Yeah I know how to clean. I can keep a house going. I love to cook. All great things. But, honestly I know I'm not easy to deal with. I have medical problems. Not things that will go away. I am sick all of the time. Constantly in and out of the Doctors office. I don't want to do all of it. I can't expect anyone to volunteer for it. I have nightmares. Every night. Ha. We won't even go there right now. I could go on with my reasons. But it wouldn't be helpful so I think I will stop with that one. 
I have a baby currently making it monsterously hard to type in my lap. See he spent most of the day screaming. Because he doeesn't like the bottle. Or anything but mommy. So it makes for some extremely long long days here. Today was one of those long days. It isn't over yet. But now he is not crying. Just being wiggly. SO I can't complain too much. 
I'm trying to give up caffeine. Just to prove the point that "I don't have a problem with caffeine, I have a problem without it." I have been taking headache pills as often as is safe to battle the looming migraines. I know. I know. That just means I'm addicted to it. But I'm also ADD. So it tends to calm me down. I'm a little jumpy as of late. With everything going on. So this could be really fun. . . . Or not. I guess only time will tell. 
After I get off Pepsi. I hope to go an entire month without soda. At least that is my plan. I will have to wait and see. For someone who doesn't eat. Soda becomes a large portion of my calories. SO this could be interesting. Over the weekend I lost 7lbs. So I've got to try harder at keeping stuff in me if I give up soda. 
I'm off to dinner with my Mom and Nephews. I'm sure I will have a lot to write about it :) 

Tidbits on my Mind.

I don't think I mentioned in my last post that Teal is in California for a month... Well 5 weeks actually and still another 4 to go. Honestly I'm happy she got the chance to go. I hope she has a blast. But, I'm annoyed at that fact that she thinks it's okay to just drop me. It's not. That's on her. Not me. I need to find a way passed it. It just isn't that easy. 


I am an extremely sensitive person. As I've shared before. I don't often show my feelings. But that doesn't mean they don't exist. I find it easier to smile than it is to cry. So I smile. Even when it hurts. I smile. It's becoming harder to do. But I won't give up. I won't stop smiling. If I do. Then there will be reason to worry. 

A Change of Pace

 I've spent a lot of time writing about the bad lately. Maybe too much? Life isn't all bad. These are some photos my friend Teal and I took back in April. 

 Lots of silliness involved in a day with us two. :) 

 My Grandpa calls me Hollywood... I have no idea why! 

Hahaha don't ask.  

 If your first thought is "Gabby, what on earth are you doing up there? You are going to get hurt." That is a valid assessment. But I didn't get hurt. And it made for some cute pictures! 

 We had so much fun taking these pictures and the lighting was perfect. 

  Our personalities fit together perfectly most of the time. Never a dull moment. 

 We get asked if we are sisters all of the time. :) I don't mind the compliment. Teal is so pretty. 

 I was telling her something, I can't even remember what. But she snapped the photo at the perfect time!

See perfect lighting! I love the way this picture looks. 

Teal is most definitely a great friend when she wants to be. And we always have a blast. I love talking to her. She is just awesome.

The Princess is in trouble, in a tower guarded by a fire breathing dragon named Frodi. Before the Prince can rescue her he has to slash through a three headed dog. He makes it to the dragons lair where he has to sing to put Frodi to sleep. After slashing through scales and piercing to his heart, he kills Frodi and gains passage to the Princess. They marry and live happily ever after. 
This is the best bedtime story I have ever heard. My L told it to me the other night. Like I talked about in the last post. That relationship isn't like the one with Teal. I'm scared of the friendship. But I'm fine being completely open. Things happen and I want to tell her. It all is new to me. But I think I will keep trying instead of hiding. See I've tried the hiding thing and it always ends the same. But I haven't tried the sticking it out through my fear thing. The few people in my life that I do trust, it has taken me awhile to trust. So being able to trust her completely right away.... It just scares me. But I'm trying it. I'm a very determined person when I want to be. And I want to be about this. Here is to adventure. To expanding. TO finding who I am again.

Sparkles and glitter- it's what I say to myself anytime I start to get upset now. Because that's what I want to be. Not this dark and scary person. But when you are dark and scary. It becomes really hard to maintain a sparkles and glitter disguise. But I'm trying. Which is all I can do, right? It's all any of us can do.

Mine

Feelings. Not something that comes easy for me to express. I don't like to cry. I refuse to be angry. I smile a lot of the time. Because I don't want anyone else to see what I'm feeling inside. This is where I can be completely open. I can be me. I can say what I want and what I need. Because this is my place. My feelings can be poured into my posts and no one gets to argue. No one can tell me I can't say that. No one can tell me my feelings are wrong. Because they are mine. My head is so cloudy. I can't stop my mind. It's just racing. I'm feeling a little bit crazy. So I need to let what is at the front out because I can't keep it all in any longer.


My answer will always be "I'm fine" no matter what is going on. Most people accept that. But there are those people who know me deeper than the service. Not very many. But the few. I don't trust people easily. Mainly because I have been hurt way too much and I'm tired of feeling that way. I know that people will let me down. That I will be hurt by everyone at some point. That isn't really what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the intentional hurt. The avoidable hurt. So I block myself off. I stopped letting anyone in. 
Then someone walks into my life and like nothing I trust her. Which isn't normal for me. But I learned to just go with it. I opened up even though it scared me. I opened up. Now my life is upside down. And I can't say what I want to her. I can't open up about this part. I'm tired of letting people down. I don't like people worrying about me. I don't feel I deserve it. 
I'm not entirely sure I know how to be loved without being hurt. I don't know how to accept it. I'm used to harsh. I know that there are people who love me. But they do it in their own strange way. So having people love me by choice. Not expecting anything from me. Just pure honest love. It scares me. Wanting what is best for me. Not what works for them. Scares me. 
Right now I want to run. It might not be what's best for me. It's taking all of my energy not to. I want to box in. To lock up again. To shut down. Block myself out from everyone else. I don't want to be a burden. Right now. I want to run. Right now. I don't have a reason not to hide. Right now. I feel like a burden, and I'm sorry. 

The Power.

I've been awake all night. Awake and alone. He doesn't get to have that power. He doesn't get to stand me up on purpose because he was upset I didn't text him back last week. He doesn't get to act like I'm the bad guy here. He doesn't get power. I'm working really hard at not giving him that power anyway. And honestly I'm kind of failing right now.

I just went out to watch the sunrise. I thought it would help. Because it meant yesterday was over. It meant a new day had begun. It should have made me feel better right? Instead I was standing outside on the trampoline in my footy pajama's crying. There is frost on the ground. My hair was wet still from the bath I took trying to calm myself down enough to sleep.. I was freezing. But I stood there. Because at some point I knew that it had to make me feel better. But it didn't. Now I'm just cold and upset. And I'm letting him have that power.

I should be upset. I have every right to be upset. But I still hate being upset for some guy. I really hate crying. No, I really really hate crying.

This guy wasn't my guy. Well he was in a way. But I didn't want a relationship with him. I didn't want to go on dates. Because I was scared. I was afraid that he would leave me once he really got to know me. I was scared that he wouldn't love me for me. That because I'm not perfect he would leave. And yeah if he did he wouldn't have deserved me. Right. But that wasn't my concern. I would rather spend all my time trying to convince myself that I didn't care. I tried and I tried. I thought maybe it was working. Until he wanted more. He wanted a date. I wanted him to be happy. I agreed to the date with a smile. I let myself get excited about the date. I did my hair. I got dressed all cute and date like. And he didn't show. He didn't respond to me for 4 hours. And then to tell me he stood me up on purpose. Because he is a jerk. I know it. And yet I'm still hurt. He changed the rules and I'm the one hurt.

I can't handle anyone else changing the rules right now.
I can't handle anyone else leaving right now.
I've had enough of that for one week.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

Everything.

I don't know everything. I won't claim to know everything. I try not to act like I know everything. And I shouldn't be expected to know everything. I'm not a doormat. Really. I'm not a the friend who is okay being there only when it's convenient for you. I never will be. I never will be okay with being made to feel less than human. I don't know anyone who will. 


I've had a hard couple of weeks. Too much for me to get into on here. Too personal. But it's been very one step forward 3 steps back. I'm starting to see the end of this tunnel. But I'm not out of it yet. I don't think that I will ever be the person that every expects me to be. That's hard for me. I wish I could please everyone. But I'm slowly realizing that all I get from trying is a downward spiral. Just when I think I've hit rock bottom the floor falls out again. I can't take it much longer. I need stability. I need to not be on a constant roller coaster of emotion. I need to be okay.


Tonight really I just need to know that I'm not as alone as I feel. 
I need to know that I can not be "fine" and still be okay. 
I need a hug.
I need to clear my head. 

Here I am.

As I sit here. In my nice room. Alone. Loving every minute of my alone time. Just trying to get better. But at the same tim. I'm finding I think too much. I over analyze life. I find that I've spent so much time keeping everything in my head that now that I'm letting little pieces of my out I'm not able to hold myself together as well. I'm not able to not randomly blurt out things that shouldn't be said to the world. I'm still learning who I am. Where my place is. But, it isn't very easy to figure out. 

Discovery.

I spent the entire evening in the ER. I'm exhausted and rather frustrated.
I'm spending this weekend recovering and discovering myself. Just me. A few books. Lots of gatorade. And maybe some beef jerky. I need to find me. Simply me. Not who they think I should be. Or who I might pretend to be. Just the root of me. Just who God wants me to be. I can't do that in the middle of all  this chaos. I won't promise to post this weekend. But, I will sure try. I may be passed out because it will be the first time in a quiet room alone for me in... months.... I'm very blessed. Very thankful for the wonderful person who gave me this :).  

i am not a strawberry.

No. Really, I'm not.
I'm not a doormat.
I'm not a punching bag.
I'm not someone you can use.
I'm not a "convenient friend".
I'm not a 24/7 fix all.
I'm not perfect.
I'm not always rational.
I'm not usually a social person.
I'm not invisible.
I'm not stupid.
I'm not tough skinned person.
I'm not going to be able to do this on my own.
I'm not brave.
But most of all...
I'm not okay. And I wish some people would realize that.

i am not.

I am not your typical 20 year old. I have not had your typical life. I have not overcome typical trials. There is nothing typical about me. From my head to my feet I am different. I have scars. Oh do I have scars. Inside and out. Wounds might heal. But the scars are still there. I still have trouble with the scars on my stomach. They hurt when I move certain ways. Still now, 3 years later. They hurt. The scars inside me never stay scars for long. They tend to get ripped open often. 
Honestly, I've been struggling a lot lately. I feel so alone. Even when I'm around people. I feel quite a bit of the time completely invisible. I don't feel like what I have to say/ my opinion ever matters. I don't feel like anyone really cares if I'm around or not. So I just stay home. I work and go to Church. Other than that I'm alone. In my room. I don't like people to see me upset. I hate for anyone to see me cry. Lately I've been crying a lot. Which totally isn't typical for me. I honestly don't know how to get out of this rut. I feel like I'm in a pothole and everyone is piling dirt in on top of me. Well not everyone. But most people. I just can't take it any longer. But where would I go? If I just left. If I leave this all behind. If I just get in my cart and drive. Where would I end up? Who would still be there if I stopped putting forth the effort to have them around. Who would even care if I just disappeared. Became somebody else. Had a new life with new people. 
Don't get me wrong I love the people in my life. But I'm tired. Tired of only talking to anyone when I start the conversation. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of going to the Doctor alone. I'm just tired. I can't carry on like this. I don't need to be the center of anyones life. But I need to matter somewhere. I need to be able to be me. Not who everyone else wants me to be. I need to be real. I need to be free. I need to live and learn. I need to experience life. Not to a crazy extent. But to an extent that I'm not alone, all of the time. Maybe have the person I talk to most not be 3 months old. I just want to be loved for me. Not what I can do. Not who I could be. Just me. 
Now, because I know this is probably going thru a few minds. Yes, I know Jesus loves me more than I could ever fathom and HE is the only thing keeping me going. However, we were not made to be alone. God made Adam because He was lonely. Gad made Eve because Adam was lonely. God understands that we as humans need each other. We need that encouragement. We need to know that we aren't alone. We need to feel the love of each other. There has been so much going  on with other people lately that I haven't wanted to say anything to anyone. I don't want to look like I'm just fishing for attention. Because that really isn't it. If you have to ask for attention, it isn't affectionate. It isn't real. Like it's said, "If you have to tell people you're cool, you aren't cool." same goes with mattering. If you have to tell people you matter, you really don't matter. 
This is my blog. This is where I used to pour out my heart. I stopped because I was afraid of who might read and what people might think. I feel like a soda bottle all shook up and about  to explode. I can't handle things right now. I'm a mess. I can't do this alone. But I'm not asking anyone to stand by me because I don't even want to be around me right now. I wouldn't expect you to. 

I did.

My Father let when I was 4. I didn't see him again until I was 13. and have not seen him since then. I've talked to him more in the last year than I have my entire life. I have some "Daddy issues". Having him have left me before causes me stress when weeks go by that he doesn't call. He doesn't answer. This happens every few months. Truth be told, we are both new at this and not very good. But, I love him. I need him. He is my Daddy.  So I've just tried to deal with it. It never went more than 4 week without a call. I was alright, well I managed. Until recently. We hit the 8 week mark. I had called and left multiple messages. I didn't know what else to do. Did I do something? Say something? Was it me? All the feelings that I've felt so many times before as a little girl came flooding back. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I was in tears. I called. I'm not even sure what all I said in the message I left on her** phone. But, he called back that night. SO it must have really been my heart. And then I told him that I couldn't handle it. I needed him to be here consistently. I need to hear his voice. I need him. He was quite. He told me he was never leaving me again. Ever. He told me he loved me. That it was her not letting him use her phone that was keeping him from calling while they are out on the road. Good excuse? No. But it was at least honest. But I needed to hear him say all that. Am I completely convinced? No. Not yet. But that will take time. Deep wounds don't heal overnight and scars never go away. But, it was good to unload all of that on the person who had caused the feelings. Instead of keeping it all bound up inside of me.
And this was only one of the many emotional days I have had lately. I said what I've been holding all my life.
I did.
**Her as in the girlfriend.

Soon....

I will be posting as soon as I can put my thoughts together enough to make sense...

Checking... Out?

I feel like I've been kinda checked out of life lately. Probably because I really have been. Not on the major lock myself in a room and not speak to anyone level. But definitely on the keep mainly to myself and only leave when it is necessary. I have seriously only left my house for Church. To see a dear friend in the hospital(more to come) and for swimming lessons. And of course the Dr. Because that is a given. I don't remember the last full week I didn't see the Dr. Sad right there. So I guess I am getting out. But I still feel checked out even when I'm moving about, living life. I try not to talk to people much. Mainly because I'm super sensitive lately to the don't walk into the room wrong because Gabby just might burst into tears level. It's bad. I could say I don't know what's causing it. But I probably do. You can only put so much into one thing before something has to come out. I have been very good about numbing my emotions for the last few months because I just don't have the time to deal with them. But, Im not letting much of this mess inside of me out at all. Even less so in the past few weeks of hiding. Therefore I have set myself up for a major meltdown state for a few weeks. I will level back out I think. I hope. I dream(not really because I haven't been sleeping much. It just sounded nice.) 


I really need to just stay away from hospitals. Which means everyone I know has to do the same. I went and saw a friend who was having a tumor removed yesterday, She was in surgery still when we got there. So we sat with the family for a bit, I handled that well. Had to keep my distance emotionally but I did good. Then came the visiting in the ICU. I handled that, understandably. I couldn't bring myself to get very close, peeked at her incision and that was about it. Not sure she even really knew I was there. Then came time to leave. Which I was more than ready to do. My friend T kept asking me if I was going to say goodbye. I nicely declined. Which only made me look super rude when it was pointed out that I wasn't being personal. I couldn't do it though. For someone who has never been through any of that, it is a whole lot easier to watch. I could feel the pain. The smells. The sounds. It all was overwhelming. I held it together. Until I got home. Alone. Where I don't have to be strong for everyone else. Where I can just be me. At 3am. When no one else needs me. I can just be.


I more time to just be me. Not who everyone else needs or wants me to be. Just simply me. What is so wrong with me just being Gabby? 

Alone

You know the saying "Why add insult to injury". It applies. All of the time. Especially when someone is really hurting. I thought I may have been exaggerating, perhaps being a tad bit dramatic when I said I was alone. But it turns out I wasn't. She complains that "I never talk to her" or that "I don't really let her in" But I try. I really try. I try to trust. I really do. But she doesn't want to let me in either. And the few times that I have called her and said I need you. She has been too busy. But tonight. I'm here alone. Like really alone house to myself. I've got strep. And I'm feeling extremely vulnerable because my father hasn't returned my phone calls in over 3 weeks. Since I already said I have daddy issues, I don't think I need to say that it scares me. I'm afraid he chose the girl friend over me. Again. There is always something or some one more important than me. For my dad it was that lady. For the him it was bikinis. I can't be that lady. I can only be the daughter with issues. And I will never look good in a bikini. Not that I would ever try. But that isn't the point. 
Not that it matters. 

It Might Not "Matter"

I may have not know him long. Or I guess really known him at all. But honestly I really liked him. I really started falling for him. I really felt comfortable with him. I guess that shows my judge of people. It might not matter in the grand scheme of things. It might actually be better. I wouldn't really want a guy like this.
But today it does matter. It does hurt. I do care. I didn't want to be taught this lesson. I didn't ask for more patience. I don't care if really it is no big deal. I know that people are dealing with more important things. But today, today I am hurt. And nobody is around to care because they have those more important things. 


In the midst of what we find more important, the people we care about start to fall because of what we deem unimportant, or because what we are dealing with is "bigger" than what they are. That isn't how God views things. So why do we get to? 


So I will put on my big girl panties and go about with a grin even if it is killing me inside to know that I won't get to fall asleep to his voice on the phone. He won't be telling me "goodnight" or "sweet dreams". I won't get to believe that maybe I have found somebody who can accept me for all my scars, all my bumps, all my bruises. I won't get to have all those girly fantasies. I don't get to plan that part of my future for now. Once again. It's just me. I don't get to be smitten. I care, even if no one else does. I care. But, I will act as though it isn't hurting. I will be available 24/7 for my sister because her son was just diagnosed autistic and she needs me. I will be on call for work 24/7, I will help any way I can with the kids, whenever I'm needed because my boss needs me. I will take the insults and rude comments made to me. I will let everyone else make me feel like everything I do is wrong. And maybe it is. But that's alright. Because God doesn't see this as a little hurt. He doesn't view me as a smaller problem. He cares. So I will keep going. I will pretend to be fine in the midst of everyone else's problems. I will take care of everyone else and deal with my hurt by myself because they need me. I will keep going with no time to even exist. 
Because it doesn't matter to anyone but me anyways. 

Just Me.

There is so much more to me then just the surface. 
I'm not just the girl who has had more surgeries than you can count on one hand.
I'm not just the girl who passed out at church camp, more than once.
I'm not just the girl who has spent countless nights in the hospital. 
I'm not just the girl who seems to always be sick.
I'm not just the girl who doesn't always acknowledge people when they talk. 
I'm not just the girl who has so many emotions built up on the inside that most of the time she comes off rather numb and emotionless because she is afraid of falling apart. 
I'm not just the girl who has been through too much to even tell. 
I'm not just they girl with extreme "Daddy issues".
I'm not just the girl with significant emotional problems.
I'm not just the girl who is extremely anal about being on time. 
I'm not just the girl with trust issues. 
I'm not just the girl who is afraid of Doctors.
I am that girl. 
But I'm not just that girl. 
You just have to take the time to get to know the underneath. 
You just have to want to know the underneath. 

Something New

I wish I could write like I used to. I never had a problem posting daily. Even when I was working. Nowadays I have a hard time posting weekly or even monthly sometimes. Which is odd. I have a lot to say. Really I do. I just don't know how to say it. 


Seems to be my trend of late. So much to say. No idea how to say it. And then it all comes out jarbled. I've been rather over emotional lately. And by rather I mean that I was crying over people I didn't know looking at me wrong. I seem to be a tad bit better now. But still not great. I find myself crying at stupid things yet not at big things. 


I've never wanted to be the girl that was in love with the idea of being in love. But, I don't want to be a lady who never found love either. I'm caught in the middle of my emotions here. I have a feeling about this guy. Oh, yeah never got around to writing that post either. Whoops. I'm not in love with him. Or the idea of being in love with him. I do think it could happen. I do feel a strange sense of belonging when I talk to him. I do think about him all a lot of the time. I do want to talk to him all of the time. I do wish he lived closer. I do wish May would hurry up and get here. I do hope that this is something real. Because, I'm comfortable with him. Yet. I find myself scared out of my mind. Makes total sense right? But, I'm comfortable being scared. 


I tend to come off a tad bit fragile. Don't know why... I always hear people making the comment that they are afraid to break me. It's always nice to have people looking out for you. But at the same time I am plenty capable of know my own limitations and asking for help.... Most of the time. Which is probably why people feel they need to protect me all of the time. 


I'm in the process of coming up with a 2 year plan. It actually isn't that hard because for the last 6 months I've been saying that certain things are in my 2 year plan. So I guess now it's the 1.5 year plan. You know, whatever works. 


One of these days I will write a completely open, real, raw post. It's in the 2 year plan. :) 

Words.

I have a lot I want to say. 
I'm just not sure how to say it. 
I don't know how to express it. Here. 
So instead I avoid blogging. 
I sit in my little comfort zone. 
I pretend to not be scared. 
But, I don't know if I can pretend that much longer. 
What is there to be scared of? 
Well, a lot. 
On many different levels. 
From the flutterby's in my stomach. 
To the scans and procedures. 
The future is complex. 
Today is complex. 
Yesterday was complex. 
I should be used to it by now. 
I should be so used to being told no one knows what is going on that is doesn't bother me anymore. 
But the truth is.
It still does. 
It still scares me. 
Especially when there are many different things going on. 
They could be unrelated. 
Or not. 
I guess I will know more over the next few weeks. 


I will go into more detail later. 
Right now I'm too busy figuring it all out. 
What it all means. 
What he this will mean. :D 

Wrong.

No matter what I do, it's wrong. 
No matter what I say, it's wrong. 
No matter how I feel, it's wrong. 
When did it become anyone else's business? 
When do I get my life back? 
When can I finally stop hurting so much? 
I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm tired of being told one thing and shown another. I hate being lied to. I'm so emotionally fragile right now and I don't understand why people have to purposefully make things harder on me. It's one thing when they don't know what's going on. It's another when they do. 


I'm sorry that I'm not perfect. 
I'm sorry that I'm not who you think I should be. 
I'm sorry that I've put everyone through so much stress all these years. 
I'm sorry that all I can give is never good enough. 
I'm sorry that all I can be is never good enough
I'm sorry really, I am. 


I'm hurting tonight. I just want to go hide. So hide I shall do. 

Take a Number!!!!

I have had so many meltdowns today it isn't even funny. I sometimes feel bad for the people who have to listen to my little rants that usually go along with this type of meltdowns. However, the people who call me yelling at me for not doing anything wrong and unleash the dinosaur. Yeah, no pity for them. Really, if you have a concern about the way I am living my life please CALMLY talk to me about it. Calling me and yelling at me for hanging out with a person who YOU don't exactly like, probably... Most definitely WON'T get you far. Just a forewarning. It may or may not get you on a quick trip into your place in my life and how much your opinion about  it or really anything else doesn't matter when you are treating me like dirt. AND if you happen to do it on a day that has already been crappy, during a week that has been even crappier... You might not be as relieved to yell at me as you thought. So  check yourself before you talk to me right now. I've had so much going on that I can hardly function mentally/emotionally and I don't need the people closest to me making everything that much harder. Take a number and wait your turn. But it might take awhile to get there because right now I need it to not be anyone's turn. And then I need a turn to deal with myself. Because I'm useless as is and I need to heal. I have to heal. I have to get to that point where everyday isn't a struggle. Where everything isn't just part of the routine. I don't want to be a robot. I don't want to spend life just going through the motions. I have to break out of this.

So tonight I'm stressed. Maybe. Possibly. Probably. Likely. No Comment. To the point where I have hives. It's just ducky.

So there you  have it. Keep paddling. We'll get there. I eat chocolate while you paddle. That way, uh, I don't feel up to a good story.
There may or may not be a smoothie all over the window at a drive thru due to T tonight. I may or may not have choked on my fry when she missed the trash when she threw the cup from the car and then laughed even harder when she tried to drive off but had put the car in reverse. . .

So even though some people have "pushed one too far button". I'm not depressed. I'm not wallowing in self pity. I'm just having a really, really hard time right now. Don't judge me for that.

Words to Speak.

Lyrics to Give Me Words To Speak :

Calloused and bruised
dazed and confused 
My Spirit is left wanting something more 
Than my selfish hopes
and my selfish dreams 
I'm lying with my face down to the floor 
I'm crying out for more (crying out for more)

Chorus: 
Give me Words to speak 
Don't let my Spirit sleep 
Cause I can't think of anything worth saying 
But I know that I owe You my life 
So give me Words to speak 
Don't let my Spirit sleep 

Every night, every day
I find that I have nothing left to say 
So I stand here in silence awaiting Your guidance 
I'm wanting only Your voice to be heard 
Let them be Your Words 
Let them be Your words

(chorus)

I just don't understand this life that I've been living
I just don't understand (x2) 
I just don't understand these lies I've been believing
I just don't understand (x2)

(chorus x2)

I know that I owe you my life
Owe my life
Owe my life

Dangerously Close

My problems aren't the end of the world. 
They maybe aren't as easy as some people seem to think. 
They might not matter to everyone, but they need to matter to me. 
I'm all about fighting for you. I will stand behind someone through just about anything. But I lost that zeal towards my own problems awhile back. I need to find that again. It's not that I think that they are so hard there is no possible way through them. Because I know, I really do know that everything is only going to make me stronger in the end . I just am so completely overwhelmed right now that I can't even think straight. As somebody very wise put it today, I am dangerously close to my breaking point. I hardly said anything about the mess I feel inside. And she can see how close I am. I'm not the type of person to share my feelings. I'm not someone who cries much especially not in front of other people. But lately, it's been water work central over here in my brain. Which only gets me annoyed with myself. 
I can't fix the world. I can try but I will only end up frustrated out of my skull. Like I always am finding myself, I never learn. I can't change the past. I might want to. I might fantasize on what things might look like if I could. Where would I be today? What things would be different in my life. And it's honestly a scary thought for me. There are so many people in my life that wouldn't be there had I not gone through all the stuff that I went through. But I Can't honestly say that it makes it all hunky doory. I get frustrated with myself so easily. I feel like sometimes that's all I do. I hate that I don't rationally deal with things all the time. That because I now know all these great people I should somehow find a way to be okay with all he did. But at the same time, I know that that isn't how the brain works. You can't just write off a trauma. But still I find myself frustrated. 
The mess of emotions going on inside of my body right now is seriously ridiculous. I half the time don't know how to express what I'm feeling. I all the time am on the edge of sobbing. I feel like I have to hold myself together so tightly because if I let one piece slip I'm going to fall into a puddle of goo. Worthless goo. I really don't want to have to try to clean up that mess. SO Instead I hold myself together and become this mold of worthless goo because I'm so on edge that I know I can't be helpful to anyone. Yes, I can cook. I can clean. I can hold the baby. Take the dog outside and feel around her stomach find her bladder and make her pee(no joke there, long story). But I really don't feel helpful. No one will remember those things when I'm gone. No one looks up to me wanting to be this robot I'm becoming. I want to inspire people, not bring a dark cloud into the room. Which is what I feel like I do. 
I feel like the weakest person on the planet. There is so much that I'm afraid of. I feel good when I can make it through a 5 minute trip to the store without a panic attack. And then I look and see everything everyone else handles and they seem to handle it with such a good spirit. Yeah they might have moments. But it's not an every moment mess. I'm tired of my every moment mess. I'm tired of having to remember to smile. I hate having to work myself up to do the things that should just be a natural part of life. Like I said. I'm always frustrated with myself. 
I don't so much feel like I have to prove to the world that I am strong. More so I feel like I need to prove it to myself. Like I have to convince myself. Just like I work so had to make myself believe I'm not angry. Or sad. I don't want to be those things, so I'm not gonna believe it. I want to be strong. So I'm gonna do things that may just tear me to shreds inside just because I want to be a stronger person. And sometimes, I think I do them just to feel something. Like today, I honestly did not expect myself to have that strong of a reaction. I did not expect to end up sobbing needing L to bring me back to earth. I thought I could get through it again, that even though I knew it was going to hurt me I could do it. But, I couldn't. If I'm completely honest, (which I usually am because I really stink at lying) it took me a good 30+ minutes of sitting on the floor only listening to the video before I finally let myself go to L. His stupid face panics me. His stupid voice panics me. Everything about him just panics me. I'm fed up with myself for that. 
I think that sometimes if I took myself out of the equation that I would do a lot better, like when told to "take a deep breath" I not only immediately get triggered I get mad at myself for it so then it takes me even longer to pull myself out of it. 
I am currently in this boat without a paddle. Because everytime I either catch up to my paddle or find a new one something happens or somebody(myself included) takes it and throws the silly thing. But, I'm lucky enough to have a few marvelous people willing to jump in next to me and paddle for me. Just until I get my paddle again. 
See I'm not all dark and scary. 
I think the best way to describe me right now is:
Every one starts out a blank sheet of paper, though I think I was more of a coloring page, probably a zebra or a bunny... Maybe a dinosaur. Well on my page instead of the normal life colorings it's like a permanent marker was taken an used to scribble all over it. And then I was handed off to the other Drs who did their best to reshape the colorings into something that would work again. But you can only color on top, and the damage can't be taken away. It's there. All the time. And it really sucks. But, nevertheless the sooner I go to bed the sooner I can wake to a new day. Even though I already know the nightmares are going to be miserable tonight. Absolutely just miserable. And people wonder why I never sleep. Pst. Though, last nights did start with me making mashed potatoes on the couch with my straightener. It ended with... Uh, well lets not revel just how crazy I am, tonight.... 

Nothingness.

(Some of my friends and me with our Pastors wife at a Church meeting in Tucson the end of  December)

I really don't have much to say tonight. Mainly because I'm completely exhausted. I think the swim lessons wear me out more than they do him! :) I could probably pull out something to rant on about but instead I will just say that I'm still here. And this is my attempt to not fall back out of my bloggy world. Even if all I post is a random picture. Though, I do really like it! I did find out today that I have gained weight! Which is good. It was just a lot rather quickly, so I'm a little skeptical that it won't last. . . Or a lot. I also got the urge to get back on the elliptical today. I was doing awesome Nov/Dec for some time before I fell and injured my knee ice skating. I could do about 15 minutes back then. Which was up for my starting 5. Well today. Uh. I wasn't even close. I felt horrible. I need to get back in shape desperately! I think I will go ice skating tomorrow, now that my knee is healed! :P

Hinds' Feet in High Places.

I just finished this book, Hinds' Feet in High Places By Hannah Hurnard. It was one of the best books I've ever read! It's about the journey to high places and everything we have to go through to get there. It puts so much of life into perspective, at least it did for me. It helped me understand the importance of going through the valleys of life. And all the different alters we need to build. It really made me understand the role the Pastor plays in ones life and how important a relationship with him and his wife is. Everyone has been telling me this and I really didn't understand it until I read this book. There was so much in there that I struggle with on a daily basis. Most everything in there I have struggled with at some point. God knows we aren't perfect. If we were we would be HIM. HE knows we will fall. HE even expects it. HE just wants us to call on HIM when we do. HE will come. There is no where we can fall, nothing we can do that HE can't reach down and pick us back up again. It was just a purely awesome book. And written in such a way that made it interesting to read. I could completely replay the book right here, but I think you should read it for yourself. I highly highly recommend it! 


I've discovered a love for Twizzlers. The Strawberry kind of course. I found some that are 16in long!! Yummy yummy. I Have just sat and ate them any time I sit near them lately. Just finished the last one. Bummer too. They were tasty. Even the cat thought so. He tore the bag open when I left it for like 2 seconds the other day. 


I need prayer. I've been struggling a lot lately. While that book did help tremendously, it only helped me understand the struggles and why I have to go through them. It didn't take them away. It's been a long couple of days. Like the kind of long where you take a shower just to have a moment by yourself to gather your thoughts and pray, by the end of it you are actually in a pretty good mood but as soon as you step out of the shower you slip of the freezing cold floor and reality all comes crashing back down with you. It's like from the second I open my eyes every morning I'm in the middle of a gruesome battle. Which I'm just in that valley right now, I'll get through it. It is just taking it's toll on me. Not sleeping much isn't helping either. I got 4 hours Sunday night and that was double or more what I had gotten for over 10 days straight. Last night I had no such luck. But again, just part of the valley. 


I started swim lessons with the 3 year old today. I'm really not sure who it wears out more. But, nonetheless it was fun and will be a good bonding experience. And hey who doesn't love a free visit to the hot tub? :) 

Find Me Again.

Posting 2 days in a row. Wow wow wow. Odd for me lately. But I'm so ready for new patterns, so maybe its a good thing. I've been in a rough patch lately. It's been hard on my. Wearing me down completely. I feel like a failure. I suppose maybe because I am. I fail every day. But this, this was different. But I will get through it by the power of Jesus name. I just need everyone to not give up on me. Because if anyone else jumps ship, I won't be able to do this. All I need is God. But, God made Adam because HE was lonely. God made Eve because Adam was lonely. We need each other. God knows that. That is how God designed us. In the image of HIM And through HIM alone can I make it through this. I just need to know that while I'm fighting this battle that there are still supports there that love me. I just need to be loved through this. So please. Pray for me. I desperately need it. 


Okay, Now that that has been said. Lets move on to something different. . . .  Uhm. Well I'm still a Nanny. And I still love it. It is extremely hard emotionally right now. With the whole baby thing. But, I again will get through it. I know you all are probably a bit confuse on that. Because I haven't posted anything on it. But, I think I'm ready. I found out a few months ago it will be very hard for me to every get pregnant. They don't know that it is even possible. As hard as that is to hear, I know God has HIS hand in all of this. But, it still breaks my heart to hear. I'm doing better with it now than I was. But I still have my extremely hard days. That is another thing that needs prayer. I know know know that in the end, God has a plan for me that will be so amazing. It will be prefect. I will be blessed. But right now, on this journey, I'm hurt. Deeply hurt. It's not fair at all and I'm working really hard to accept all of it. It's no easy feat though. As I know others have gone through similar things, it gives me a slight bit of peace. It makes me feel that much less alone. I can do this. "When I don't measure up to much in this life, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ" - Forgiven. By: Sanctus Real. 




I love love love this song by Sara Groves. It is so true. 
I've done every devotional 
Been every place emotional 
Trying to hear a new word from God 
And I think it's very odd 
That while I attmept to help myself 
My Bible sits upon my shelf 
With every promise I could ever need 

CHORUS: 
And the Word was 
And the Word is 
And the Word will be 

People are getting fit for truth 
Like they're buying a new tailored suit 
Does it fit across the shoulders 
Does it fade when it get older 
We throw ideas that aren't in style 
In the Salvation Army pile 
And search for something more to meet our needs 

CHORUS 

I think it's time I rediscover 
All the ground that I have covered, 
Like seek ye first what a verse 
We are pressed but not crushed 
Perplexed but don't despair 
We are persecuted but not abandoned 
We are no longer slaves 
We are daughters and sons 
And when we are weak we are very strong 
And neither death nor life nor present 
Nor future nor depth nor height 
Can keep us from the love of Christ 
And the Word I need is the Word that was 
Who put on flesh to dwell with us 
In the beginning