170

Wow, this is post 170. I can't believe it. *Gabby

Grr bite me!

IT'S NOT A DEPRESSION THING, IT'S A HEALTH PROBLEM!!! If I say that enough will they listen? I'm okay. Not really but getting there. Yes I have down days. But I have up days too. I know I have been depressed. Severely depressed. But right now, I'm NOT. I know my body. This isn't happening because I'm depressed. There IS a problem. *Gabby

Midnight bottle

Midnight bottle take me calmly through my memories and everything come back to me
Midnight bottle make it real what feels like make believe so I can see a little more clearly
Like every single move you make kissing me so carefully on the corners of my dreaming eyes

I've got a midnight bottle gonna drink it down
A one way ticket takes me to the times we had before
When everything felt so right
If only for tonight I've got a midnight bottle gonna ease my pain
From all these feelings driving me insane
I think of you and everything's all right if only for tonight
Got a midnight bottle drifting off into the candlelight where I can find you any old time
A midnight bottle I forgot how good it felt to be in a dream just like you had me
Cause lately I've been stumbling feels like I'm recovering
But I think it's only for tonight

I've got a midnight bottle gonna drink it down
A one way ticket takes me to the times we had before
When everything felt so right
If only for tonight I've got a midnight bottle gonna ease my pain
From all these feelings driving me insane
I think of you and everything's all right if only for tonight
If only for tonight, if only for tonight, if only for tonight

I've got a midnight bottle gonna drink it down
A one way ticket takes me to the times we had before
When everything felt so right
If only for tonight I've got a midnight bottle gonna ease my pain
From all these feelings driving me insane
I think of you and everything's all right if only for tonight
If only for tonight, if only for tonight, if only for tonight



I am falling in love with this song! I have it on my ipod which is nice, I enjoy it so much.

I'm going to start another blog. I will still do this one. But a new one. With the good only in my life. So everyone can read it. http://simplyslightly.blogspot.com/ I will probably be putting more of what I'm up to on there and my feelings on here. I know it's weird to have two separate like this, but its what I need right now. So check it out!


I'm tired, I'm tired of being sick all the time. I'm tired of losing weight and looking anorexic. I'm tired of the nausea and pain. I'm to the point where I dread eating because I know the chances are slim it won't make me sick. I don't like that feeling. I don't like eating being more of a punishment then something I enjoy. I WAS really sick, WAS being the key word. I know I'm not anymore. I know that I will continue to get better. But right now, I need help. My feeling is that some sort of feeding help may not be the answer,but it would sure help me mentally. I don't want to get to the point of giving up again, but the eating thing is frustrating me enough that it might get to that point again. Please I want some sort of feeding tube, whether it be PICC or NJ GJ NG G I don't care I just am tired of this. Please you don't often here of someone asking for these things. I'm done. I need help.

This is the part of the letter the was sent to my DRs. The part the I wrote anyway. I'm so tired. I'm to my breaking point. I want to curl up and cry right now. I hate crying. Really hate it.

I'm texting with wonderful M. While it helps me some, the pain is still there.

I'm trying to do thing to distract myself, but its not really working. I feel awful and I can't avoid it. What do I do?

Now, before I start sobbing I will end this. Help, please. *Gabby

Chewing at me.

I finally went to the dr today. She changed one of my pills. I forgot to pick it up though, so I will be starting it a little late. I just at a wonderful sandwich! Bologna on a cheese bagel, with mustard and lettuce and of course mayonnaise. I need the fat. I'm down to 105lbs. That's over 20lbs in a month. Yuck. I can feel the tube already.

Wookie went potty outside today. I was so proud. Then a little while later he went on the puppy pad. It was great. I never thought I'd be so excited about poop again. But I am.

He peed in my bed the other morning. I was not happy. He went straight to the kennel. But he hasn't again so he still is allowed to sleep with me. I know I should be better about getting him used to the kennel, but whenever I put him in there he cries. It's so sad that I either have to leave the house or take him out. He is pretty spoiled

He fell down my sisters stairs. He is still limping after 2 days. The vet said it's just a sprain. When he hits it just right he just wails. Makes me feel so bad. :(. There was a baby gate up and he crawled under it.

I will try to do a more about me and what I've been up to with school and all tomorrow. Tonight I'm just too tired. Going to bed early! *Gabby

This is Wookie in the car yesterday. He was so tired. He is SOO cute. I just love it. I feel so bad, we went up to my sisters today and he fell down the stairs! He started crying and my sister ran and got him. He hasn't left my lap since. Its been like 3 hours. He doesn't cry when I move him though. So I think that's a good sign. He will just be a little sore few a day or two. :(

I went to the eye dr yesterday. It went well. my eyes are worse. Not great fun. But my new glasses are really cute! That's all that really matters. They should be here next week. I'll post pictures when I get them... If I remember.

I have to go in in the morning to have a throat culture. Yay right? My nephew has strep. I haven't felt real good lately and am extremely vulnerable to strep. SO off I go.

Wookie has an appointment to get his shots at 1030, So that will be fun. I Should call the dr I was going to call Monday and get an appointment. Okay I called.

I started this post a long time ago like around 4. It's now 930. I have gone to class, showered, and cleaned up puppy presents multiple times. Now I will go to bed, I'm exhausted and have to be up early. *Gabby

Ahg!

Well I'm having some problems. Healthwise. So Monday morning I will be calling to get a Dr appointment. Yay. NOT. I think I have ear infections too. POOP! So that will be a different Dr. And I should have a CT sometime. I'm really just not looking forward to this. Oh and I have and eye Dr appointment Monday. All this, a new puppy*, and 11 hours of college classes that I will most likely have homework from. Hmm this should be a good week. :(

*I AM going down tomorrow to get my puppy. I know I've said that a lot. But I'm trying to keep positive that I will go. We are leaving the twins home with a sitter. Which I'm so excited about. So two of my sisters are gonna come with us. Which will be great.

I'm thinking its time to hit the sack, catch some z's. Or maybe I'll just go to bed.

Not ME Saturday?

I know MckMama does not me Monday, and I'm so not gonna steal that from her I just had a funny not me to share and didn't want to wait tell Monday. So I would love if you posted in some comments something funny that you "didn't do" this week. Just this once!

It was NOT me you saw walking out of Wal-Mart in her jammies, when stopped by a man at the door who asked if I "had a light" I did NOT pull out my Quacking light up duck keychain and say sure do! That is so not me. I'm not so innocent that I didn't even realize what he meant until he held up his cigarette. Nope NOT ME!

But if that had happened I probably would have sat in the parking lot for ten minutes laughing so hard I was crying. Yeah, I would do that. *Gabby

Too Many!

3 People is too much for a TWIN bed. I found this out last night after the party which I will cover also. But I was the oldest and was refusing to sleep on the floor. Fair right? So I go in the bed. Well on of the other girls who is about my size didn't want to sleep on the floor either, okay 2 isn't bad. Then the persons whose bed it was decided she wasn't going to sleep on the floor either. Okay, thats a bit too much. I slept in a crack between the wall and the bed. I doubt it was even 5 inches. I am very sore today. I have an awful headache.

So my friend Courtney, well her little sister just turned 16. So we threw a surprise party. When I say WE I mean I showed up. She was very surprised and loved it so that was good. I was hit on by a freshman. I watched a bunch of freshman dance like idiots. That was great. I even danced some myself, and probably looked like an idiot too. After spending so much time with high schoolers, I'm in need of some adult time! Not to mention I'm exhausted! I took a nap by myself in my bed but I still feel tired as it was very short.

Maybe I'll post later, *Gabby

Eat Candy.

New Philosophy! What your stomach hurts, Head hurts, Brain hurts, EVERYTHING hurts. Eat Candy. It will surely not help. But It will make your mouth happy. And a happy mouth is a happy mind.

I went to my second college class today! It was good. I have a hard time doing math on paper, so that kicks me in the bum. But I don't have homework. YAY. And he let us out an hour early. Even better, well except that my mom dropped me off because her car is still broken. So I stood in the lobby for 30mins until one of the girls in my class offered to give me a ride. It was nice.

I feel awful! I need to rest. Post tomorrow maybe. Remember-Eat Candy. *Gabby

College...

My first night of college went well. The class was Psychology. I loved it. I think its going to be my favorite class this semester. I don't have homework. Won't ever. If I feel like reading ahead it is a good idea but not required. I won't have to write a research paper.(Yay) The instructor is very laid back and fun. I'm really happy with this. I think I will do just fine. He wasn't even going to have a final exam, but the college is making him. Oh well. It will be fine. I have algebra tomorrow. I will try to post after that. That one is only a 2 hour class, and will be done at six. So I won't be up so late posting. I'm not so great at algebra, but hopefully I'll do okay.

Needless to say, with a full college load, a part time job, and a soon to be new puppy. Plus having to exercise every day, you might be seeing even less of me. I take forever to get a post up. Really sometimes 5 hours. So I won't always have time for it. I promise at the very least once a week though. If I don't post then somethings happened. I will probably post Fridays as I don't have class or work. Just Tx and I usually have a lot to say after that.

I'm hoping to go down Saturday to get my puppy. If the weather allows. Which I hope it does. I'm getting very antsy waiting. He is gonna be so big by the time I finally get to see him.
(as he will be 6-7lbs full grown... Maybe not so big.)

I'm silently having a freak out. They shouldn't allow me on the Mayo Clinic website as this happens all the time. That spot on my lungs, well it's almost been 2 weeks. So that means almost time to get rescanned. I'm already nervous about this. Well smart me decided to look up the symptoms of lung cancer. Well I have a few. -Chest pain- shortness of breath- weight loss- bone pain- headaches-. Yeah, that's more then a few I guess. So I'm not so great. Uplifting thought? Anyone? Please? *Gabby

....!

I want to shower first. Post soon.

Wookie!

Isn't he cute? I sure think so.
I think his name will be Wookie!

BLAH!!!!

I'm not so great. I would even go as far as to say, I'm quite bad. I'm totally bummed about not going to get my puppy. I feel like I could break down at any moment. It's not a good feeling. I know it won't be that long before I have another chance to go get him, but I was so excited to get him. I hardly slept. Which probably has something to do with my bad mood. But nonetheless I'm grumpy. I've tried to change it, it hasn't worked. So I will sit here and be grumpy. I will stew in my sadness. I will dwell on my temporary loss. Tomorrow I will probably still be sad. And that's just how it is.


I want my puppy. If I say it enough will it finally come true? I can wait, but I don't want to. I'm tired of waiting for everything. I wait for this pain to go away. I wait another week to be rescanned to see if the spot on my lung has changed. I wait to get into the GI people. My whole life is waiting. I'm tired of it, so tired of it!

I'm tired, its late now. Night*Gabby

Ah Stupid Snow

Woke up this morning to snow. Over 100 accidents in the area we would have had to drive to go get my puppy! AH So I'm just working on not being a total grump today. Hopefully by Saturday the weather will be good enough to go down. Well I will probably go either way. I want to do a longer post later but right now I'm exhausted from hardly any sleep and have a headache. So I will take a nap! *Gabby

Hold Me While I Cry

*WARNING*EXTREMELY EMOTIONAL*

Hold me while I cry, brush away my tears, tell me I'll be okay, don't let me fall.

Tonight, I should be happy. Overcome with joy. But instead I sit here holding back tears. Why? Well that I don't really have an answer for. I just feel sad. It could be the pain I'm in. It could be because this has been going on so long my brain can no longer handle it. Whatever it is, I don't like it. They keep uping my medicine and I just feel worse. I don't want to be dependent on these medicines. I don't like how I feel when I miss a pill. I don't like that I don't sleep AT ALL if I don't take a sleeping pill. I can complain about it tell my face turns blue. But the reality is I NEED TO TAKE THEM. I need the tummy medicines to be able to eat. I need the sleep and brain medicines to function at all. I need the vitamins to be "healthy". I NEED them. I sometimes skip some of them. When I'm in a bad mood about it all. Then I regret it because I feel so awful. But just because I KNOW I NEED them, doesn't make me want them.

The pain, well it hurts. I know a LOT of people have chronic pain, but they doesn't make it hurt less or any easier for ME to deal with. It just makes my soul hurt for the other people going through this too. I want to ask why. But I know there is no answer. It's just something that is. There's not an answer. But I know it's miserable... I know that I am so tired of it. I know that it not responding to pain medication is awful. And I know I HURT. My everything hurts. My soul hurts. It hurts because of all the sick people out there right now feeling the same way I do. Wanting to fight, but losing their strength. I wish there was something I could do for them. I wish that all the crappy diseases didn't exist. I wish that I was okay.

I do KNOW that I need to find a way to cope with this. That holding it all in until I have a melt down like this is not a good thing. But I don't know what else to do. I don't do well with talking to anyone, well DEbi is an exception to that rule. But she can't be there 24/7. She has a wonderful life I that makes the times I do have to talk to her so much better. But for the times I can't, for the times I feel like a burden to everyone. What then. What do I do when the pain gets so bad I don't know where to turn? What then?

"Why is everything so confusing? Maybe I'm just out of my mind."

I'm weak. Mentally Physically. Sometimes Emotionally. I've cried a lot today. That's unusual for me. I hardly ever cry. I don't like it. It hurts me. Deep down, where no one see's, for reasons I don't know. it hurts me. I don't see crying as a weakness. It's a strength. Showing your emotions can be a great thing. I'm not so great with that. I've never been one to share my feelings. Most people can't even tell when I'm upset. There are a few that just know. But I can fake it well. Which sometimes it isn't a good thing.

I'm going to go get my puppy tomorrow. Which should make me really happy. But tonight, I'm not. I jusdt can't pull it together. HELP?*Gabby

AH Well,,,,

I seriously am really bad at being grumpy! I can do it for a little while and then it all goes out the window. Oh well maybe I'll try again next week.

I'm not very talkative right now. At least not when I'm not actually talking to someone. You will read it, yes, but I need so feed back. But I will try to get something interest on here.

Hmm I guess we will talk about my health, interesting right. I kinda talked about Visceral Pain Syndrome I think, the other day. But I wanted to give a bit more information.

Visceral pain is the pain we feel when our internal organs are damaged or injured and it is, by far, the most common form of pain.

Pain affecting our 'soft' organs and body tissues, or viscera, is extremely common and can be agonizing. Injury and inflammation can be particularly problematic, as organs become highly sensitive to any kind of stimulation, as in inflammatory bowel disease and other disorders.

Visceral pain is due to contractions in a hollow organ. Menstrual cramps and labor are visceral pain, as is pain from kidney stones and gallstones. It is a deep, crampy, boring sensation that ranges from mild to extremely severe.

It says it usually doesn't last long, I've had it for 3 months. What do they consider long? But that just tells me that may not be what it is. It could be Inflammatory Bowel, which is a from of Visceral pain. Chrones disease. Or a couple other things. I will begin testing in February.

My PTSD has been pretty bad lately. Hearing his name or evening thinking it sometimes sends me into a flashback. I had on today during therapy that was very hard to come out of. I know if I talk about them, eventually they will get better. But it hurts so much.

This is the list of symptoms...

1. Repeated "reliving" of the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity

• Flashback episodes, where the event seems to be happening again and again
• Recurrent distressing memories of the event
• Repeated dreams of the event
• Physical reactions to situations that remind you of the traumatic event

2. Avoidance

• Emotional "numbing", or feeling as though you don’t care about anything
• Feelings of detachment
• Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma
• Lack of interest in normal activities
• Less expression of moods
• Staying away from places, people, or objects that remind you of the event
• Sense of having no future

3. Arousal

• Difficulty concentrating
• Exaggerated response to things that startle you
• Excess awareness (hypervigilance)
• Irritability or outbursts of anger
• Sleeping difficulties

You also might feel a sense of guilt about the event (including "survivor guilt"), and the following symptoms, which are typical of anxiety, stress, and tension:

• Agitation, or excitability
• Dizziness
• Fainting
• Feeling your heart beat in your chest (palpitations)
• Fever
• Headache
• Paleness

The Google Health has a lot about it if you're interested check it out! Just Google PTSD.

Uhm I'm sure I could give you a lot more information on these subjects, BUT I think that I won't. If you want to know more, google it. If you find something interesting, tell me please. I do want to know more. I'm just tired of looking.

Hey here's something interesting. How bout a daily rundown of my medication?

Zofran 4mg 2x
Paxill 30mg 1x
Prilosec 20mg 2x
Carafate 1g 1x
Reglan 10mg 1x
Vitamin D 100 IU 1x
Multivitamin 1x
Yaz
Trazadone 50mg 1x

And soon to start Fish Oil. Yummy. Luckily they make it in pills.
And usually some sort of pain reliever at least once a day.

Okay this post is interesting enough now. It was easy too. Just copy and paste. Not a lot of talking. *Gabby

Grumpy Day

Today is my grumpy day. I'm just being grumpy, about everything. I'm tired of acting happy. I'm tired of hurting. I feel like being grumpy, even if it's just for a day. So that's what I'm doing.

I woke around 4am I couldn't open my left eye. It was swollen and goopie. I don't know what it is. Could it be pink eye? It's not really pink. That's the only thing I can think of that makes your eyes goopie. But I don't recall it making them swell. I just don't know. I don't really feel like going to the dr. But I might end up there. It is kinda painful. It's a three day weekend so if I don't go today I won't be able to tell Tuesday. Ah I really don't want to.

I'm still hurting like crazy from the fall yesterday. Now my neck hurts. Great. That didn't help me sleep. I'm still having the usual pains too. So I'm pretty much a mess. A grumpy goopie mess. What can you do though. take a nap! Yes that's on my list. I also need to clean my room so it's ready for the puppy. *Gabby

Ah We Meet Again!

Goodness. Today has been awful. Mainly because I fell. It hurt. Once again that cold ice chilled my body. I hit my head pretty hard. But haven't shown any signs of a problem, except my puples being slightly different sizes. I have a horrid headache, my elbow it bruised and sends pain to my shoulder anytime I move it, my knee is black and swollen, my back is sending pain down my legs, and my ankle is cut and bruised. So I am in my chair with a hot pack on my back. Ibprofen in my system. And thinking healing thoughts.

I start college in less then a week. Am I nervous? Surprisingly, no. I'm more anxious.... I want it to come so I can figure out how to work my schedule. Figure out how to do college. I need to figure everything out.

I hurt. I'm gonna stop here. Goodnight. *Gabby

I was annoyed.

When I got on blogger this morning none of the blogs I follow were showing up. So I was annoyed. But now they're back, so I'm in a better mood.

There is a slight possibility that I may get the puppy Monday instead of the next Friday! Which would be great. I bought him a shirt... It is WAY cute. I can't wait to get him. I'm gonna make his dog bed out of a Hospital pillow. So I will be able to wash the cover. And of course I'm going to make him a blanket. Every puppy needs a blanky right? :)

I went to orientation tonight, for college. It was interesting. Mainly about online classes. Which I'm only taking one and it doesn't start till the end of March, so I will most likely forget all that I learned tonight by then.

I don't really have much to blog about. I hurt, a lot. It makes life hard. But I guess it will be like this forever so I better get over it. Right?*Gabby

To Another Year

Today is one year since my last surgery. It's been a hard year, to say the least. But overall, I think it has all been good for me. I'm not saying I liked it all by any means. But it was good. Last year this time I laid in the PICU With tube coming out of every part of me. But I wasn't in any pain. Oh to have no pain again.

Now tonight I sit pondering a possible new diagnosis. It's very likely I have Visceral pain syndrome. Do you know what the can do for that? Nothing. Alternative therapy is recommended. Great. Really. I just get to be in pain forever. Needless to say, this doesn't make me happy.

What does make me happy is my Grandma is going to buy the puppy for me. She's soooo sweet! I love her so much!

My head hurts AGAIN. I'm going to try to rest a bit. *Gabby

Day at the ER!

AH! That's how I feel. You all are probably wondering about yesterday. Well honestly. So am I!
My mom woke me up that morning to go to Church. I usually wake up on my own. She came in and I could hardly move or breathe. So we decided that we weren't gonna go. I went back to sleep. About 1pm I got up still in pain, still couldn't breathe. Texted the DR she said to go to the ER. SO we went. They did blood test's. Chest x rays. And a CT Scan. Results? Not really anything. They think it's Pleurisy. A NO. It should last 2-4 days. I've had it 11days. Hmm doesn't fit. But something interesting, they found a "spot" on my lung. Don't know what it is, could be a scar, but it has never shown up before. So we are going to my regular DR tomorrow. I will update when I know more. I'm feeling awful. Need to get this computer off my lap!*Gabby

*Newsflash.

This is Rebekah. Gabby asked me to get on today and let it be known that she is heading to the ER. She's in a lot of pain and can hardly breathe.

I'm adding this bit, but prayers are more than welcome.

Stay tuned for updates.

*4:08 PM MST: Gabby has had a blood test, x-rays, and a CT scan. The doctors think there might be blood clots in her chest.

*10:15 PM MST: Gabby texted me a few hours ago, but I was away from a computer. She's home and will post later with more details. Sleep is a higher priority. I do know that they found a spot on her left lung. They don't know yet whether it is something or not. They will rescan in a couple of weeks.

I want that puppy

Tonight, I really want that puppy! Like right now. I'm really bummed that it will be 2 weeks at least before I get him. Sad day. But I WILL be getting him! It's my first goal of the new year! I am so excited about it too! I'm ready for him. Well not physically, but mentally. I already up most the night so 3am potty breaks will be no problem. I want to snuggle with him, have him sleep in my bed. I want to kiss his soft fur and give him baths. I'm just ready. I will go get the bedding and stuff for him next paycheck. I'm not sure what to get though. I want something cute and fun. I'm still liking the name Yoda, but what to go over all my options. SO please give me ideas!!! Please please please!!! I want to hear your ideas!!!

I'm was in a lot more pain today then I have been. So the Doctor called in 800mg Ibprofen, and Oxycodone. It got rid of the pain for 4-5 hours this afternoon. It was nice. For the last six days I've been in constant pain. A break was needed. I should have slept. But instead I watched Bones, and messed around on the computer. But it's almost time to take another one so I should be able to sleep. At least as much as I normally do! Maybe more from the drugs:)!

Okay I just took a pain pill so if this starts getting weird, sorry.

I drank a vitamin water today. It wasn't very great, but it wasn't bad either. It was the Strawberry Kiwi one. I really enjoy the Orange one. Thanks to Kellee! Not so much the others! But they're good for me so I'm drinking them anyway!

I've watched six hours of Bones today. And will probably watch a few more. I have to stay up until midnight to take my Ibprofen. Blah it's gonna be hard as I didn't take my nap today. But I'll try my best to stay awake. Maybe I'll set my alarm and go to sleep. That way I'll wake up when it's time. Just in case I fall asleep. Who knows. I may still be writing this blog post. As they take me FOREVER to write just a tiny bit. I do so much else while writing it, I get distracted a LOT.

I'm trying to find a dog kennel. I think my Friend Teal might have one she would sale me. I hope so anyway! It would be so much easier then tracking one down by other means. I just need to talk to her mom and we will be all squared away! Can you tell I'm excited about this? I really and SOOOOO!!!!! Excited about this. My only thing is he will be my baby and I won't want the kids messing with him. It kinda freaks me out even thinking about it. There's always tones of kids running around my house, as 2 live here. I don't want him to be locked up all the time when I'm not here. But I don't want him to be left alone with the kids either.

Is it bad that I don't even have him yet and I'm already worrying about things like this?

So now the name has changed to Marleau! (Mar-lo) It's the name of a hockey player. I just like the sound of it! But it seems to be changing by the hour. Ooo maybe Hobbit! He will be small after all! Ah I really don't think I will decide until I see him. But I want to have all my options lined out now!

I've read a lot of good articles on training him and what to feed him. I'm going to make him a blanket. And buy him a whole bunch of toys. After all every baby needs toys. He is going to be as spoiled as a prince... That would be another good name.

Okay are you tired of hearing about the puppy I'm going to get yet? I will move on. (then probably move back)

I am so happy one of my book for college, well my friend Cole has already taken the class so he had the book and is lending it to me! That %=$100+ dollars that I just saved. Most new books are $200+. Crazy right? It's just a book. Why so much? And the other 2 I should be able to get used. So it should end up being under $300 for my other books. I actually have 3 others one is like $10 and I don't need it tell March. SO I'm not worried about it. But I don't think my pell grant is big enough to cover the other 2. At least not all of it. Which is hard because I haven't worked much. ANd my hours got cut in half with the chance of being laid off. Which if that does end up happening I can probably get a job at the nursing home. But the pay 2 weeks behind so I wouldn't get paid for awhile.... But I'm hoping on of my lovely family members will loan me some money until I get back on my feet. Which should be soon. I'm thinking of going to the nursing home anyway as the pay is so much better, almost double. So I would have to work half as much. Which would be nice as I will be bust with school most of the time, and a new puppy the time I'm not busy with school. So it would be the rational this to do, as long as they need me. I'm tired of this "on call" crap. They NEVER call me. One time in the last 5 months hello, that's not a job.

So I have decided my New Years Resolution is to be more devoted to God. Not just my head, but my heart too. To give my all to him and let him take care of my life. To follow him with out worrying whats gonna happen next. It's going to be hard, and take some alter time for me. But I'm going to try. I have other New Years goals too. Like 15. One being move out. Which my mom is actually agreeing with. It surprised me. I'm just not sure when, or where. I don't think it will be before July. But we'll see. I lose m\y insurance anyway in July so that's one reason to stay. I can move anywhere with my pup cause I will have the Doctors note. It will be an interesting change when it happens. But I think it will be for the better.

I'm reading this book called "Captivating A Woman's Soul." It's very interesting. I haven't enjoyed reading much lately as I can't wrap my mind around much. But this seems to be different. It's showing me a lot about myself that I never realized before. One of the points is that a woman really just wants to be loved, to be told she's beautiful. How true is that? You don't think about it everyday. But isn't that what we all what? To be beautiful. I Know I do. Inside and out. Right now both could use a little work.

I have a Doctors appointment Tuesday. Which means Sushi! I love Sushi! I'm to the point where a Doctors appointment is normal, driving an hour there, doesn't affect me. When I walk in the office they don't ask for my name. They say "Hello, just a minute" and I'm in a room within 5 minutes. Everyone there knows me. While it's nice. It also makes me sad. Everyone at work doesn't even know me. I spend more time at the Doctor then at work. That's sad. I do love the people there though. But Dr.Downey will always be my all time favorite doctor. Too bad he's a surgeon or he would be my primary Doctor. I have a picture of him and me that I've been meaning to post, just haven't gotten aroung to loading it to my computer. It's on my phone now... But I promise to post it soon.

Maybe I need to do a 2009 post with all the pictures I didn't post last year! Would you like that? I'd have to find my graduation pictures though. I have the sweetest on of my Grandma kissing me. I'm going to frame it. One for me and one for her. I was so excited she was able to come! I don't get to see her very often. And she is so very amazing. I'm a lot like her I think. I'm eating the chex mix she made me for Christmas. Delish! Of course! Everything Grandmas make is good. Except Ketchep and bacon cookies. I don't suppose those were very good when my moms Grandma made them for her! What weird things have you heard of Grandmas making? Grandmas can be pretty odd sometimes!

So back to the puppy, sorry, this is the big thing in my life right now. My "cousin" is the one selling him to me. She live about 3 hours away. I've never met her. She's only kinda my cousin. She's my brother and sisters cousin. But I will have to get my car fixed before I can go pick him up. Which should be around $30. Which really isn't bad. I just have no money! So, it will be hard. But I have faith it will all work out. I have a BIL who has worked on my car a bunch! He is usually willing to fix it. I just have to buy the part. Which I should be able to do. Pray pray pray! If you can't tell I want this dog. I would trade my cell phone for this dog... That's big for me. If you know me you know I always have my cellphone within reach. no matter where I am. Usually on my person. I don't think I have ever wanted anything this much. I know it won't solve the problem of my happiness, or lack there of. But it might bring it up a bit. That's all I want, just a bit more happiness. A bit more purpose. Some-dog to love. Well not just some dog, my dog. Yes I feel comfortable calling him my dog. Because everything seems to be working out so far and I think that's a sign that it's supposed to be. Don't you?

On the Troy front. Well I'm still confused. He wants things from me that I don't think I want to give him. But does that mean leave him? I don't think so. I think we need to find a happy medium. But I'm not doing anything until I finish the book I'm reading about a woman's soul. I think it may have the answer. And if not, well I will ask Debi of course. I will probably do that anyway. Since she reads my blog, she has a heads up. Yeah, HI Debi!!!

On other front. Rebekah to a photo of me with her and she is going to draw it and send it to me! I'm so excited. I will post it as soon as I get it. She is an amazing artist. I love it! I wish I could draw like that!

So you probably don't know this about me but, I write poetry. Well I use to. I kinda have writers block. But I'm going to try to get back in the habit of it. I don't think it's a talent. I think it's a habit. And I need more hobbies.

My therapist think that me writing a letter to the surgeon would be a good idea. I wouldn't send it. Just write it and get some of my feelings out. I don't know that I will, it sounds painful. But I'm considering it nonetheless!

So as I said before. I WANT MY PUPPY,NOW! The want is just getting worse. I'm gonna have a hard time waiting 2 weeks. A really hard time.... I'm sure you will hear a lot more about him. But not in this post, as I think it is plenty long enough. Don't you? I can now take more Ibprofen and watch tv. I'm not the least bit tired! *Gabs

Stupid!

I wrote this long post last night, after I published one with nothing in it, sorry. But I again fell asleep before I got it up. And for some STUPID reason blogger didn't save it. So You don't get to hear my thoughts last night. Boy were they good! :P

Well I've had an yucky day. It started last night when I notices about 6 bruises on my arm. No idea how I got them. So mom took a picture and sent it to the Dr this morning. She asked all kinds of questions, then decided she wanted labs done. So off I went to the hospital. Got poked. Who likes to be poked? Goodness NO ONE... I hope. Then I came home and sleep. Until 5. Labs came back okay I guess. This is the puppy I'm going to get. Isn't he cute! Right now his name is going to be Yoda. Haha family thing. And its from Starwars. I just think its good. But it may change. I am SUPER excited about this. I just found out tonight that if I get A Doctors note saying I need a dog the landlord can't question it or charge me the $500 deposit, I'm all for this. Courtney thinks it will help give me some purpose. I think so to. And the fact that I'm so excited about it. Well its lifted my mood tonight. Which is always a good thing.

It costs $350. Which I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to get it. But It will work! It has to work!

Well my computer i about to die. So this is the end! *Gabby

Yes... No???

So retreat. Here is me retreating. Oh wait no. I'm not. Not because I don't want to. But because everyone in my house is making it impossible to do so. So here I sit. In my chair. Watching NCIS. With an ace bandage around my chest. Needing some ice to put on it. Dr wants me to start an anti-inflammatory. Except it was too late tonight when she told us this so I will have to wait tell tomorrow.

I have to work tomorrow. As long as the Dr okays it. Which on a side note. I got a call from the nursing home today. They wanted to know if I still wanted to work there. Uhm... i actually didn't answer because I was sleeping. Then I listened to the message and went back to sleep. So I texted her and said I would call soon.*Gabby

*I need a snack.

retreat....

Retreat, it isn't always a bad thing. Sometime you have to retreat, reform, and renew before you can fight again. That's how I've been feeling lately. Like I need to retreat. I need to reform my army before I can win this battle. But how do I do that? How do I get back to the point where I feel like one day I will win this?

I know there's not five easy steps to get through this. I know that really, in the end, it's me that has to win. But right now, I need support. I need prayer. I need you. I need a lot, I know. I'm not one that's normally asks for help with things like this. I normally just keep pushing it back inside me every time it pops up. But today I can't do that.

I've been in horrible pain for 5 days. As you can only imagine I'm getting to be pretty grumpy.

I took a 3 hours nap today. It wasn't a deep sleep. But my sleep never is. The slightest sound or movement wakes me up. So being in need of some real sleep doesn't help the way I'm feeling. I'm cold. Yes my window is open. No I don't feel I should close it. Yes I understand why I'm cold. But that all doesn't change the fact that I am cold. So I will turn on my electric blanket and try not to think about it.

Which brings me to address the question you all are thinking. WHY IS THE WINDOW OPEN?? Well you see. When I sleep, I need cold air. If I'm in a room that's stuffy it sends me into flashback of the hospital. So instead of dealing with that all the time, I choose to have the window open. Make sense?

Well I'm falling asleep as I write this. SO I guess I will end it!*Gabby

Realize?

Well I've had a great couple of days doing absolutely nothing but eating sleeping and watching movies, with a word here and there. I did all this with my bestie, Rebekah. I loved every minute of it. Even though almost every minute I spent on the couch or in my bed in pain wishing to be knocked out so I didn't have to suffer for a minute. Pleurisy is the reason. What can be done for Pleurisy? Well I can take pain meds that so far have done nothing. Won't that be fun? Sounds like a blast.

Why does bad always have to come with the good? Why can't for one minute something just be good, no bad. Why can't we love without the hate that comes with it? Why can't we just be okay? Why can't I just be okay. Just one moment of pure happiness, without being overwhelmed with sadness, is that too much to ask for? I just want one little minute.

Today was a sad day. I took Rebekah to the airport. It wasn't one of those drawn out goodbyes the you don't want to leave. We hugged. It was over. It's better that way. It was more of a see you soon, then a goodbye. I don't like goodbyes. Even if they're only temporary. They hurt me so badly. I usually cry. I don't like Hellos either. When I haven't seen someone for awhile, I don't really know how to react to their return. I just kinda go with the flow of the mood and hope I don't look outta place too badly

So I went and saw the Dr. today. It was an okay visit. Nothing is fixed. I'm still in pain. She is thinking I need to see a chronic pain Dr.... Which could, i guess, be a good thing. But really, who wants to go to a new Dr.? They take so long to break in. Why on earth would you want to start all over? I sure don't. But do I want to be in pain? NO!! So if that's what I need to do to get out of this horrid cycle of pain. Okay. Really. I'd be fine with a shot of morphine. If I could have no pain for a little while, then maybe, I could rebuild some strength to tackle this awful thing!

I'm feeling sad tonight. Like crying might do me some good. But I'm being stubborn. I don't care what's good for me right now. I don't want to cry. Why? Because I feel that if I start, I'm not gonna be able to stop. I don't feel like having a night of tears. Though, most nights are full of them anyway. The nightmares? They still come. I cry. I fight. I moan. Maybe a yell here and there. But they always come back. A theory I heard recently was to talk out my fears during the day so that they weren't as strong at night. But really, who wants to hear about my irrational fears? So I probably won't try that.

It's late. I'm tired. I will post again tomorrow, if I feel up to it. *Gabby

WHAT?!?!?!?!

What am I doing at 430am? Well NOT sleeping. I got up to get my Ipod that had been charging at 3 and it was gone.... Now I''m having a melt down. I need my music to sleep. The sound of the tv only works so long. It's time is up. Only thing I can figure is somebody took it, that urks me. So in the morning, maybe a little earlier then they would like, a few people in my house will be getting a wake up call for me! The only person I remember being in my room is my sister. SHe came up to get my nephews cup, I was downstairs. She very easily could have taken it. Which she's gonna get so much crap about. SO MUCH!!!! I'm gonna give her kids mountain dew at 10pm tomorrow as pay back if she took it!

I'm gonna turn music on one my computer and try to sleep for a bit before Rebekah gets her in 2 hours!*Gabby

Someone is vacuuming! Weird. I'm afraid to go check it out!

New Years! and MORE!

We had our New Years Eve party, just like every year. It was fun, until I couldn't breathe. So someone opened the back door. I was okay for a little bit. This would happen about every 20 minutes, for a good couple of hours. The it hit, the wrenching pain in my lungs, stupid pluerisy. I couldn't believe it. It was so bad I had to take a pain pill. It didn't help much. :(... But on went the night. Other then that, it went well. I enjoyed seeing my pretty much big sister, and good friend Tiara, who was in town from college. And the other twenty people who were in my kitchen. Though, the one person who I would have liked there, is still not here. :(...

My resolution? Well there's actually a lot I need to work on. So I guess when I figure it out, I'll post it. Whats yours?


Then about 1230AM my sister calls. She's decided to leave her husband and needs a place for her and the kids. So my house is back to 7 people in our 3 bedroom. And tomorrow, which I'm so excited about, it will be 8! Because my Bestie Rebekah is coming to stay for a few days. We are gonna have SO much fun.

Well its late, I'm in pain and exhausted, I will post more about my funny new years later. *Gabby