Hold me while I cry, brush away my tears, tell me I'll be okay, don't let me fall.
Tonight, I should be happy. Overcome with joy. But instead I sit here holding back tears. Why? Well that I don't really have an answer for. I just feel sad. It could be the pain I'm in. It could be because this has been going on so long my brain can no longer handle it. Whatever it is, I don't like it. They keep uping my medicine and I just feel worse. I don't want to be dependent on these medicines. I don't like how I feel when I miss a pill. I don't like that I don't sleep AT ALL if I don't take a sleeping pill. I can complain about it tell my face turns blue. But the reality is I NEED TO TAKE THEM. I need the tummy medicines to be able to eat. I need the sleep and brain medicines to function at all. I need the vitamins to be "healthy". I NEED them. I sometimes skip some of them. When I'm in a bad mood about it all. Then I regret it because I feel so awful. But just because I KNOW I NEED them, doesn't make me want them.
The pain, well it hurts. I know a LOT of people have chronic pain, but they doesn't make it hurt less or any easier for ME to deal with. It just makes my soul hurt for the other people going through this too. I want to ask why. But I know there is no answer. It's just something that is. There's not an answer. But I know it's miserable... I know that I am so tired of it. I know that it not responding to pain medication is awful. And I know I HURT. My everything hurts. My soul hurts. It hurts because of all the sick people out there right now feeling the same way I do. Wanting to fight, but losing their strength. I wish there was something I could do for them. I wish that all the crappy diseases didn't exist. I wish that I was okay.
I do KNOW that I need to find a way to cope with this. That holding it all in until I have a melt down like this is not a good thing. But I don't know what else to do. I don't do well with talking to anyone, well DEbi is an exception to that rule. But she can't be there 24/7. She has a wonderful life I that makes the times I do have to talk to her so much better. But for the times I can't, for the times I feel like a burden to everyone. What then. What do I do when the pain gets so bad I don't know where to turn? What then?
"Why is everything so confusing? Maybe I'm just out of my mind."
I'm weak. Mentally Physically. Sometimes Emotionally. I've cried a lot today. That's unusual for me. I hardly ever cry. I don't like it. It hurts me. Deep down, where no one see's, for reasons I don't know. it hurts me. I don't see crying as a weakness. It's a strength. Showing your emotions can be a great thing. I'm not so great with that. I've never been one to share my feelings. Most people can't even tell when I'm upset. There are a few that just know. But I can fake it well. Which sometimes it isn't a good thing.
I'm going to go get my puppy tomorrow. Which should make me really happy. But tonight, I'm not. I jusdt can't pull it together. HELP?*Gabby