Realize?

Well I've had a great couple of days doing absolutely nothing but eating sleeping and watching movies, with a word here and there. I did all this with my bestie, Rebekah. I loved every minute of it. Even though almost every minute I spent on the couch or in my bed in pain wishing to be knocked out so I didn't have to suffer for a minute. Pleurisy is the reason. What can be done for Pleurisy? Well I can take pain meds that so far have done nothing. Won't that be fun? Sounds like a blast.

Why does bad always have to come with the good? Why can't for one minute something just be good, no bad. Why can't we love without the hate that comes with it? Why can't we just be okay? Why can't I just be okay. Just one moment of pure happiness, without being overwhelmed with sadness, is that too much to ask for? I just want one little minute.

Today was a sad day. I took Rebekah to the airport. It wasn't one of those drawn out goodbyes the you don't want to leave. We hugged. It was over. It's better that way. It was more of a see you soon, then a goodbye. I don't like goodbyes. Even if they're only temporary. They hurt me so badly. I usually cry. I don't like Hellos either. When I haven't seen someone for awhile, I don't really know how to react to their return. I just kinda go with the flow of the mood and hope I don't look outta place too badly

So I went and saw the Dr. today. It was an okay visit. Nothing is fixed. I'm still in pain. She is thinking I need to see a chronic pain Dr.... Which could, i guess, be a good thing. But really, who wants to go to a new Dr.? They take so long to break in. Why on earth would you want to start all over? I sure don't. But do I want to be in pain? NO!! So if that's what I need to do to get out of this horrid cycle of pain. Okay. Really. I'd be fine with a shot of morphine. If I could have no pain for a little while, then maybe, I could rebuild some strength to tackle this awful thing!

I'm feeling sad tonight. Like crying might do me some good. But I'm being stubborn. I don't care what's good for me right now. I don't want to cry. Why? Because I feel that if I start, I'm not gonna be able to stop. I don't feel like having a night of tears. Though, most nights are full of them anyway. The nightmares? They still come. I cry. I fight. I moan. Maybe a yell here and there. But they always come back. A theory I heard recently was to talk out my fears during the day so that they weren't as strong at night. But really, who wants to hear about my irrational fears? So I probably won't try that.

It's late. I'm tired. I will post again tomorrow, if I feel up to it. *Gabby